Urgh, the meanie--He called.
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| Sat, 04-23-2005 - 12:43am |
Okay, okay. My ex calling me is not, in and of itself, a "mean" thing to do. He called tonight and I answered b/c I didn't recognize the # (i deleted it from my cell and never knew it by heart in the first place). Well, he was just calling b/c he "hadn't talked to me in a while" (2 weeks, we've been broken up for 3 months) and just "wanted to chat." So I let him talk about his new job and asked him all the appropriate questions about his life, talked very briefly about mine and then hung up with an "okay I have to go now. take care." But, the thing is, the subtext of every single damn thing I said to him was like "hi, how are you" (I love you), "good to hear from you" (i still love you) "so what's up?" (i love you and don't WANT to be "just friends" with you so WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME LIKE WE ARE?!?!) "oh well that sounds pretty cool" (damnit, I love you, you stupid motherf*cker! if you're not going to have me, LET ME GO!!) "okay bye" (now I'm going to go cry a few tears b/c you broke my innocent little heart. and, oh yeah, I'm still in love with you and want to be with you forever).
I just don't understand what the hell is going on here. I had called him about 2 weeks ago on a bit of an impulse b/c I had just signed a lease on my first apartment w/o roomies and was just SO excited. I just found myself dialing his # (which I deleted after the call to stop myself from any more impulse calls) b/c I still have that attachment to him and my fingers kicked in before my brain did. Oh well. But apparently I gave him the signal that it's okay to call me and talk to me just to shoot the sh*t. I wish it were, b/c I miss his friendship, but it's really not. I'm not "just a friend." I'm his ex-girlfriend who is madly in love with him. I don't want to talk about dates I'm having with other men with him because I need something to fill at least some of the void he left. I don't want to hear him talk about any dates that he may be going on b/c it makes me want to vomit with jealousy and upset-ness (neither of us said anything about either of those things, but if we're really "just friends" those are things that we should be able to talk about). I don't want to hear about the life that I am not a part of anymore. He was telling me all of these things that he's doing--which I am SOOO happy that he's getting to do--but at the same time I'm so sad that I'm not a part of that. And maybe that's unbelievably emotionally immature of me, but damn. It hurts to have the dreams that I had which crumbled into dust and which I swept into the dustbin (bawling the whole time, mind you), dumped out of said dustbin in front of me and spread all along the floor. Leaving me to sweep them up again and try to put them back in the dustbin.
Anyway,the point is that neither of us can seem to let the other go! We've been broken up for 3 months and the longest we've gone w/o talking is about 1.5 months. It's excruciating. He's asked me to give him a call when I start moving into my apartment so he can help me paint/move my crap/build furniture/whatever. For what purpose? To show me that "he still cares" and that I'm "still his friend"? Great. Fantastic. I know he's a good guy and I know he cares a whole big lot. That's one of the reasons why I'm in love with him. But I'm chasing my own damn tail here. I think we shouldn't really talk or see each other b/c I'm in with love him. He thinks that we should b/c "not everything is so black and white", and he loves me and wants me in his life forever, in whatever capacity. And I want the first part of that sentence...the "in his life forever" just not the "in whatever capacity" part. Again--chasing my tail. Is there just some kind of grey area here that I'm just not seeing? I know that none of his "lets chat/hang out" crap means anything other than "lets chat/hang out" but is the fact that neither of us can truly cut the either out of our lives significant? If I'm saying, even after 3 months of being broken up, that I want him in my life and he's saying the same...am I just being pigheaded in my "wants" and denying myself a really cool friendship? Am I denying myself any kind of future with this guy (there. I said it. Yes, I still--stupidly--have a shred of hope)? Ugh. I just don't know. I feel like I can't see straight anymore.
In the meantime, I'm really trying not to focus on "him." I have begun to set some serious goals for myself that I am working towards, none of which included him or any boy for that matter, and feel like I'm in a huge period of personal growth. But....I'm still attached. I still love. I still want. And there's this niggling voice in the back of my head (a mix of his and mine) saying that I should just sit back and give it (whatever "it" is) a chance. Be zen-master Eeyore. What do you all think (besides that I just rambled out a novel)?

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You can't have a "really cool friendship" with someone you're still in love with. You just can't.
And no, many couples go through this...I know you want to believe that the fact that you're having trouble letting go of each other means something, but it's very common. I'm not saying that to hurt you, just to point out that *everyone* thinks they are unique, that they are the exception to the rule...and they really aren't.
Block him, eeyore. You're not going to move on until you stop all contact. What he wants doesn't matter--he's being selfish and not thinking of your feelings. You need to take care of you, he's not going to do it!
If you want to be "zen" about it, accept that if it's meant to be, he'll move mountains to find you and tell you that in no uncertain terms. But in the meantime, you need to cut off contact so you can heal.
Sheri
Well, honestly, I *don't* think I am unique...or that this scenario is. That there are so many women who have expressed that they feel *exactly* the way I do is just more evidence of that to me. True, I may still have that irrational "hold on to a sliver of hope" thing going on, but I don't put any stock into it. I'm quite disenchanted with "love," to be perfectly honest. I'm at the point where I think it's just some screwy chemical reaction going on in my body and my head that acts like an addictive substance. And, physiologically, that's exactly what love is.
Anyway, I'm just all in a dither about this b/c I'm usually a "shoot from the hip" kind of girl, meaning that I've tended "go with my gut" and make a lot of instinctive, impulse decisions without thinking things the whole way through or considering other options. I tend towards the extreme...like, for example, if I'm stressed out and have a lot to do I may cancel all social plans I have for the week b/c that's "the only way I feel things will get better." This, however, is something that I've really *really* been working on changing over the last 3 months. And, as the "don't talk to me b/c I'm in love with you!" things is more of a gut instinct for me, I sometimes wonder if my ex is right. That this situation doesn't have to be so black and white. If there's some other solution that I'm just not seeing because of how I feel right now. Actually, I don't even "feel" that bad...I still hurt occasionally, and talking to him when I'm not prepared for it irks me, but I've generally come to accept that even though I love him intensely, it's just not in the cards. What I'm trying to do is come to a place with him where we *can* be friends and I don't have this either/or mentality...a place where I can just accept my feelings, not smash them down and frustrate myself or act on them--which are the two ways that I've been dealing with them thus far. I think I may just be overthinking everything.
Well, in this case, your instinct is right...it IS that black and white.
And you'll come to that place where you can be friends with time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over and the two of you aren't right for each other. Once all three things are in place (and acceptance is the last to come, but if you allow enough time to pass with no contact, and you actively work on acceptance, you WILL get there), then you can reconnect as friends if you want to.
Sheri
This is very similar to what I am going through. My ex broke up with me a month ago and wants to stay friends. I know that there are people who make the friendship thing work. However, I'm not sure it's for me. Like you said in your original post, this isn't like a regular friendship. I don't know what this gray area is, but it's definitely confusing. I asked my ex why he wanted to stay friends with me and his other exes. I also asked him what the relationship was since it isn't like our other friendships. He didn't know really have answers to either.
Basically, I think he doesn't want me to hate him. It has everything to do with him not wanting to be the bad guy. If we can email and be friendly, then he is still a good guy. But really what's happening is that I pretend I'm not hurting so that he feels better. What I get out of it is keeping him in my life just in case he changes his mind. It's foolish, but I just haven't been ready to let go of that hope. I'm getting closer.
I'm not sure I have a point here. Except to say, that for me my ultimate gaol is to be in a place where I am truly ready to accept that it is over and not need or want his "friendship" because it isn't enough.
Edited 4/27/2005 4:16 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
Here's something that might correlate...if you lost a breast tomorrow - that'd be a void you couldn't fill (at least not immediately) and it'd be a loss that would be ever present, and it would affect your self-image and your view of self and life in general....how would you handle it if tomorrow instead of a breast on the left side of your chest, you had a long scar and stitches?
Physical and emotional healing mirror in pattern.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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