Urgh, the meanie--He called.
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| Sat, 04-23-2005 - 12:43am |
Okay, okay. My ex calling me is not, in and of itself, a "mean" thing to do. He called tonight and I answered b/c I didn't recognize the # (i deleted it from my cell and never knew it by heart in the first place). Well, he was just calling b/c he "hadn't talked to me in a while" (2 weeks, we've been broken up for 3 months) and just "wanted to chat." So I let him talk about his new job and asked him all the appropriate questions about his life, talked very briefly about mine and then hung up with an "okay I have to go now. take care." But, the thing is, the subtext of every single damn thing I said to him was like "hi, how are you" (I love you), "good to hear from you" (i still love you) "so what's up?" (i love you and don't WANT to be "just friends" with you so WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME LIKE WE ARE?!?!) "oh well that sounds pretty cool" (damnit, I love you, you stupid motherf*cker! if you're not going to have me, LET ME GO!!) "okay bye" (now I'm going to go cry a few tears b/c you broke my innocent little heart. and, oh yeah, I'm still in love with you and want to be with you forever).
I just don't understand what the hell is going on here. I had called him about 2 weeks ago on a bit of an impulse b/c I had just signed a lease on my first apartment w/o roomies and was just SO excited. I just found myself dialing his # (which I deleted after the call to stop myself from any more impulse calls) b/c I still have that attachment to him and my fingers kicked in before my brain did. Oh well. But apparently I gave him the signal that it's okay to call me and talk to me just to shoot the sh*t. I wish it were, b/c I miss his friendship, but it's really not. I'm not "just a friend." I'm his ex-girlfriend who is madly in love with him. I don't want to talk about dates I'm having with other men with him because I need something to fill at least some of the void he left. I don't want to hear him talk about any dates that he may be going on b/c it makes me want to vomit with jealousy and upset-ness (neither of us said anything about either of those things, but if we're really "just friends" those are things that we should be able to talk about). I don't want to hear about the life that I am not a part of anymore. He was telling me all of these things that he's doing--which I am SOOO happy that he's getting to do--but at the same time I'm so sad that I'm not a part of that. And maybe that's unbelievably emotionally immature of me, but damn. It hurts to have the dreams that I had which crumbled into dust and which I swept into the dustbin (bawling the whole time, mind you), dumped out of said dustbin in front of me and spread all along the floor. Leaving me to sweep them up again and try to put them back in the dustbin.
Anyway,the point is that neither of us can seem to let the other go! We've been broken up for 3 months and the longest we've gone w/o talking is about 1.5 months. It's excruciating. He's asked me to give him a call when I start moving into my apartment so he can help me paint/move my crap/build furniture/whatever. For what purpose? To show me that "he still cares" and that I'm "still his friend"? Great. Fantastic. I know he's a good guy and I know he cares a whole big lot. That's one of the reasons why I'm in love with him. But I'm chasing my own damn tail here. I think we shouldn't really talk or see each other b/c I'm in with love him. He thinks that we should b/c "not everything is so black and white", and he loves me and wants me in his life forever, in whatever capacity. And I want the first part of that sentence...the "in his life forever" just not the "in whatever capacity" part. Again--chasing my tail. Is there just some kind of grey area here that I'm just not seeing? I know that none of his "lets chat/hang out" crap means anything other than "lets chat/hang out" but is the fact that neither of us can truly cut the either out of our lives significant? If I'm saying, even after 3 months of being broken up, that I want him in my life and he's saying the same...am I just being pigheaded in my "wants" and denying myself a really cool friendship? Am I denying myself any kind of future with this guy (there. I said it. Yes, I still--stupidly--have a shred of hope)? Ugh. I just don't know. I feel like I can't see straight anymore.
In the meantime, I'm really trying not to focus on "him." I have begun to set some serious goals for myself that I am working towards, none of which included him or any boy for that matter, and feel like I'm in a huge period of personal growth. But....I'm still attached. I still love. I still want. And there's this niggling voice in the back of my head (a mix of his and mine) saying that I should just sit back and give it (whatever "it" is) a chance. Be zen-master Eeyore. What do you all think (besides that I just rambled out a novel)?

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How would I handle that? Well...hmm...while I would be sad and hurt and so forth, and I would know that there's not a damn thing to be done other than just keep on keepin' on. And that would, like this situation does, piss me off. Knowing that I can't "do" anything, that is. But, that's how it is. I can be as pissed off that I have no control over the direction of the situation as I would like to, but that doesn't change the way things are. I have no control over my feelings, or his feelings, or how he'll act. The only thing that I have ANY control over is how *I* act. And while I could throw a hissy fit, or get really angry and vengeful, or call him and beg him to take me back, or go throw up (as I am wont to do)...none of those actions will accomplish a damn thing. They won't undo the breakup or make me feel less in love or less grief. They will, in fact, succeed in making me feel worse, though, because nothing will change for the better re: that situation. Hence, the "do nothing" plan. So, there it is.
PS: I forgot to mention that your amputation allegory was quite apt, because I do feel like an amputee...like I've had a part of me cut off...I have "ghost pains" and all. Part of the grief process, I guess.
Edited 4/27/2005 6:51 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
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