Utterly Gutted.....Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Utterly Gutted.....Please help
16
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 1:10pm

I apologise...too long...but i need to let it out.....

I prolly messed up a good thing with my inseurity and jealous. Please help me and let me know if this can be repaired or i should just forget about it. Was introduced to my ex by a friend over the phone (ex lives in another state). During our conversation (conference call) our mutual friend asks if i have friends i can hook up his friend with and stupid me i suggest a friend of mine...who still had a b/f by the way. So they talk and during the first conversation with my friend he decides she is not his type. However me and him click and hit it off and start IMing and calling each other and we acknowledge that there is something there and it feels good and all that. A week later he says he feels bad about what he did to my friend and wants to see if they can be friends...so i give him my friends email address. He starts chatting with both of us, though for me the bonus is i get calls and the conversations are amazing. My friend starts talking about him a lot which she does when she likes someone, and so i decide to tell him that i think we should stop talking altogether or at least limit it because this is becoming a potentially explosive situation and he tells me that he doesnt want to lose me and wants to let my friend know that he wants us to date. She "appears to be ok with it and me and him start dating and things are great going back and forth because he is just 2hrs away. We do this for a month and i realize that they still chat...A LOT....i panick and ask my friend how she could be so comfortable doing that and she stays she will stop or cut down. I guess what got me pissed is one day he got offline and sent me a msg offline asking me a stupid question and i asked him why he was asking me that question and he told me that he was having an argument with my friend about it....OKKKKKKK. I was pissed, however, i wrote to him and just told him i was uncomofortable with the fact that he felt so comfortable chatting with my friend for hours on end everyday.....and he wrote saying that he didnt see what the big deal was. And i told him that it made me uncomfortable and he never wrote back...never called since..AND IT HAS BEEN 3 WEEKS! however, he did write to my friend and told her that he doenst take orders from anyone and they have been chatting and i am sure calling each other (my friend doesnt mention him or even check to see how i am doing when it comes to him...AND SHE IS MY BESTFRIEND AND ALWAYS ASKED ABOUT GUYS I HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH). I miss him and cant understand why he acted that way....and am worried that they might start dating...even though my friend and i agreed that we would never date a guy that the other has dated.....i am flubbergasted. I hadnt dated in 2 years and i really dont get to like people that easily and i really really liked him..i know its safe to say i was dumped...but what i would want to know is WHY? Dont i deserve an answer....PLEASE HELP...my friend and i talk but things are weird now.....ANY MEN OUT PLEASE HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:46pm

Hi confusedmoi and welcome back.


Here's your original post for those that want to 'catch-up' on your story:


My guy and my bestfriend...?


::he did write to my friend and told her that he doenst take orders from anyone


Nor did he ever consider your feelings in the matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:10pm
Thank you so much for the insight.....I guess for me right now the dilema is ARE THEY OR THEY NOT? I am driving myself crazy....i recently deleted his name from my messenger list cos it hurt to see him online and not say anything to me while i knew he was chatting away with my friend. The truth is one night i logged on and appeared to be offline and then they logged on at the same time and stayed on until 1am , they logged off at the same time (coincidence....i think not!)! I couldnt deal with it so i deleted him. My friend lives like 5mins away from me and we go to the same grocery store, gym, church, use the same metro station...you get the picture, so if anything should develop (I AM PRAYING NOT) i will be bumping into them...A LOT. This is literally making me sick....i guess it always hurts when u like someone and they done like u as much or like your friend better. I honestly never thought i would find myself in this situation, always considerate of other peoples feelings and to have this happen to me really really suck. At the moment i am hoping my friend would not go as far as to date him...that just wouldnt be right....I admit i am obssesing over this now....i dunno anymore...i thought that if things never worked out we would be friends at least....Do you think that one day he might call...i need to know why...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:20pm

My personal opinion is that they are at least involved emotionally. It may eventually lead to something more.


However, if he calls, what could he possibly say that would make all this ok?


Hold your head high, go about your business and if you ever run into them, keep walkin'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:47pm

Thank you so much for the advice...So i guess that means then that i never did connect with him emotionally? if thats the case, that really sucks...i really thought that we were good. Oh well, i am going to try and i know its not going to be easy...and my bestfriend...this is the ultimate betrayal.

Thank you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:00pm
Actually, it sounds to me that he 'emotionally' connects to everyone and wants to keep all the connections even if they cross the line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:14am

My question to you is: why do you want to have something with someone who is shady enough to try and play two friends off each other, who wouldn't even take your feelings into consideration, and who would actually talk about you to your friend? Hello? Does that make sense? Do you really want to claim this girl as a friend? I mean, she has no respect for you or your relationships, much less her own. There's no real loss there at all.

I think the real reason you're upset is because you're thinking if you hadn't introduced them, this wouldn't have happened, but eventually they would have met and the fact that neither of them seem to have any kind of moral judgement says to me that your lesson in all of this is to learn who to leave in the past.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:27pm

OMG....right on target. You are so right and thank you for the advice. I mean from day one i regretted having introduced them considering i was the single one. I guess what i am really struggling with is that this jerk chose my friend over me....and did not tell me why...though i think its pretty obvious that he is not that into me. I am buffled nonethless by his overall behavior. The descent thing for him to do would have been to at least let me know that he "doesnt take orders "from anyone and not to my friend. As for my so called friend, we dont talk as much, its really going to be so hard for me to clip her because we used to do everything together.....i guess you could say she is the one person who knows me the most. I guess thats life, better to cut my loses now...it hurts real bad..it really does. it sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:18pm

You're right, the decent thing for him to do *would* have been to talk to you instead of her about it, and oh-by-the way, NOT go for the one who already has a boyfriend, so what does that tell you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:33pm

This has got to be a joke right.....

So today of all the days, i got onto the same train to work with my so called bestfreind. And she asks me why I havent been calling my ex....i was taken aback...ummmm...am i supposed to? I ask her why he hasnt called me...and she says that he tried to call me, when i ask when he did she tells me of some day that she had also tried to call me and hadnt been able to get a hold of me. I am thinking to myself, if he had called, why didnt he leave a message? It doesnt make sense. She keeps insisting that i call him, isnt this what she is supposed to tell him to do??????? i honestly do not know what to make of this whole thing....First of all, it doesnt make sense that she would tell me of this or even bring him up 3 weeks after the incident. We have talked here and there and never had she bothered to find out how i was doing or if he had called...something is just not right and i hate the idea that they may be making me look a fool now. I asked her again if she would ever date someone i have dated before and she said no. I am hurt that he still talks to her....and even more disturbed by the fact that he reached out to her when the incident occured and didnt make an effort to talk to me....he apparently called her repeatedly and IMed her....i know he seems me online and has never called....Would i be wrong to suspect that something MORE might be up with these two....i dont wanna think about it....but its something that i am going to have to face....and now i feel like i just went 20 steps back..it hurts even more....I HATE THIS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:23pm

I know you hate this.

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