Utterly Gutted.....Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Utterly Gutted.....Please help
16
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 1:10pm

I apologise...too long...but i need to let it out.....

I prolly messed up a good thing with my inseurity and jealous. Please help me and let me know if this can be repaired or i should just forget about it. Was introduced to my ex by a friend over the phone (ex lives in another state). During our conversation (conference call) our mutual friend asks if i have friends i can hook up his friend with and stupid me i suggest a friend of mine...who still had a b/f by the way. So they talk and during the first conversation with my friend he decides she is not his type. However me and him click and hit it off and start IMing and calling each other and we acknowledge that there is something there and it feels good and all that. A week later he says he feels bad about what he did to my friend and wants to see if they can be friends...so i give him my friends email address. He starts chatting with both of us, though for me the bonus is i get calls and the conversations are amazing. My friend starts talking about him a lot which she does when she likes someone, and so i decide to tell him that i think we should stop talking altogether or at least limit it because this is becoming a potentially explosive situation and he tells me that he doesnt want to lose me and wants to let my friend know that he wants us to date. She "appears to be ok with it and me and him start dating and things are great going back and forth because he is just 2hrs away. We do this for a month and i realize that they still chat...A LOT....i panick and ask my friend how she could be so comfortable doing that and she stays she will stop or cut down. I guess what got me pissed is one day he got offline and sent me a msg offline asking me a stupid question and i asked him why he was asking me that question and he told me that he was having an argument with my friend about it....OKKKKKKK. I was pissed, however, i wrote to him and just told him i was uncomofortable with the fact that he felt so comfortable chatting with my friend for hours on end everyday.....and he wrote saying that he didnt see what the big deal was. And i told him that it made me uncomfortable and he never wrote back...never called since..AND IT HAS BEEN 3 WEEKS! however, he did write to my friend and told her that he doenst take orders from anyone and they have been chatting and i am sure calling each other (my friend doesnt mention him or even check to see how i am doing when it comes to him...AND SHE IS MY BESTFRIEND AND ALWAYS ASKED ABOUT GUYS I HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH). I miss him and cant understand why he acted that way....and am worried that they might start dating...even though my friend and i agreed that we would never date a guy that the other has dated.....i am flubbergasted. I hadnt dated in 2 years and i really dont get to like people that easily and i really really liked him..i know its safe to say i was dumped...but what i would want to know is WHY? Dont i deserve an answer....PLEASE HELP...my friend and i talk but things are weird now.....ANY MEN OUT PLEASE HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:44pm

I need to tell her that. Its just so hard because she was my closest friend for three years, we did everything together.....She knows whats up....but i will tell her.

Thank you so much for writing to me during this awkward phase in my life. Never in a million years did i think that my bestfriend would do that to me. It hurts like hell. I was doing well for the past 3 weeks..until today.

thank you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:40pm

Question:

Its been almost a month.......Its eating me up but i need to know why he cut me off!!! Can i at least call him for that answer...I NEED TO KNOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:22am

I'll answer for him: Because he was playing both of you and your 'best friend' won out.

OUCH. Do you really want to hear that from him? No, I'm sure you don't. Don't humiliate yourself by calling and asking him ANYthing. I can almost guarantee you will feel about a hundred times worse than you do right now.

Good luck, keep being good to yourself.

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:39am

I am such an idiot....

I know you told me not to call...but i had to for a reason. I sat down with my friend and had a nice chat about what has been going on with this guy that i had been dating. My friend is back with her boyfriend, but still talks to my ex and she opened up to some of the stupid things that he had been saying about me. So when at work i asked my friend to IM and ask him why he has been acting the way he has and he told her that if i needed to know i had to call him, IM him or write him an email .....childish i know ....But i was so mad and needed some answers....i had not talked to him for a month and i needed answers. SO i called him, and he didnt pick up or return my call, he did however acknowledge to my friend that he had seen my call. I do not understand this kind of behavior, i have started dating, but i cant help but wonder why he did just stopped communicating with me and why he said all those things to my friend about me when he knows that she would tell me.....At 28 he sure acts like a teenager...I wonder if he will ever return my call, its been a week now....and i feel like an idiot...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:50am

Hi confusedmoi,


Even if he answered your friend's questions or your call, what could he have possibly said that would have made everything ok or made you understand things better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi, Moi. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know you don't want to lose your best friend and a guy at the same time. However, if they had done anything to hurt you, it is safe to say you should find someone who is worth your time and a friend acts like a friend. I don't know if you're friend is in fact trying to start a relationship with him or not or if that guy really cares about you or not. Regardless, don't blame this on yourself. What happened happened, I think I would act the same way you did if this happened to me. I would be hurt my friend would do this to me and confused that the sweet guy I'm seeing as such a different side.

It is possible he's playing you and your friend. He definately has the upper hand here, whether your friend knows it or not. Because if things don't go well with you, he can hook up with your friend and vice versa. He might even have other women on the side, not to get your paranoid. Don't make contact with your friend or him until you figure out what YOU want, then act upon it. I personally would not try to get back with him, based how he handled the situation. If my friend want to see him, I'll tell her I'm uncomfortable with it but I'm not going to stop her. I probably would want some closure with the guy but remember that HE decided to do end this. I'll let him know I enjoyed my time with him but agree with his decision. Let him know you would like to stop all contact and ask him to respect that in order to get over this. When you start to recover, it's VERY easy to go backwards when he makes contact. Even if it's just a voice message or email.

With all my ex, I deleted all their contact info and only saved their number so I don't have to pick up. On rare occassions, I would delete their number because I thought they finally stopped calling but when they call and I accidently pick up, I politely remind them not to call me again and to respect me decision, I would only tell them ONCE and restore thier number continue to ignore him till they give up. It is very hard not to get tempted to contacting them, very hard. It is even harder to allow time to past to get over a guy but things will get easier. It's a slow process but it will get better. You're only delaying this process by not allowing it to start. It's great to remain friends but MAKE sure if you have completely and absolutely moved on and HIS intentions is only to be friends. In my experience it's very difficult to be friends, you want to be friends but end up being romantically involved again and get hurt all over again... Unless you're sure you can be friends and are prepared to get hurt again if it doesn't work out, I don't advise to do so.

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