Vanessa
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Vanessa
| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 3:42pm |
Can someone please explain to me how to win back your girlfriend now ex after being together for 6 yrs. She says she just doesn't love me anymore and is already seeing someone else. I have never hurt her and always stuck by her side through all the panic attacks and her cheating. I would like to give her some space but knowing she is talking to some other guy is killing me. All of her family and close friends love me to death and don't understand why she is doing this and neither do I. We are both 27 and I am about to be a police officer and she is living at home with her parents going to school. She knows that I love her more then anything in the world but she isn't convinced that I am the right one for her. At one time she was madly in love with me too but I don't know what happened. Any suggestions might help.

Suggestion 1 - ask yourself what YOU want, really. You're very focused on her. She's confused, she's busy with school, she used to feel that, now she feels this....blah blah blah. What about you? She cheated on you. She told you she doesn't see a future with you. She's hurt your feelings, rejected you, and ended the relationship. She has so little self esteem that she's hopping from relationship to relationship, "overlapping" them to be sure she never has to cope with being alone. She's got a lot of problems, and she's messed up pretty badly with you. So, think long and hard - is this what you want? Yes, she's been in your life a long time, and you love her. But is this what you want? When you think about getting married, raising children some day, is this really the kind of spouse and mother you want? You're young - how about a lifetime wondering if she's cheating again, or about to pull the rug out from under you and leave you without warning? I'll say this - there are a lot of wonderful, kind, funny, caring women who will think that you're an amazing man and that you deserve not to be betrayed or jerked around with. Are you sure you don't want to try for one of those women? I've been on the boards for a while now, I ended a very painful relationship while I was still going through treatment for cancer, and for a long time I thought I could not love anyone but my ex, I could not imagine a life without him. But I'm living it. And I'm actually doing quite well. In my experience, in 6 months to a year, you will be back in fine form, confident again, optimistic again, healed and hopeful. Ask yourself, really, if you wouldn't rather slog through the tough year ahead of you, learning to cope with and overcome your pain, rather than find yourself in a years' time (or five years', or ten) still struggling to make this relationship with this girl work, still having your insides turned out, still worrying that she's cheating, worrying that she'll leave again, having your innocence and optimism and hope destroyed by this tortured relationship. Ask yourself if you're truly better off enduring a hard and painful recovery from lost love, to find yourself with a fresh start and a stronger, wiser you, or mired in mostly the same place in a years' time?
Suggestion 2 - only after you've really, truly thought this through, read the book "How to Get Your Lover Back" (available on Amazon.com). Even if you go this route, be prepared for a lot of pain, and set a time limit on it - give yourself some definite period of time that you'll work to get her back before giving up and moving on with your life. But I really hope you won't do this. As a veteran of the on-and-off relationship, getting back this flawed, broken relationship probably isn't a good outcome for either of you. It's healthier, in the long run, to let it die a natural death and trust to fate that your life will work out.
Jim,
I've read your previous postings, and I have to stick to my guns on this one. Vanessa had some serious dependency issues as well as the panic attacks. In the field of work you are pursuing, you will need someone strong to help you deal with the physical and emotional conflicts. I don't think that Vanessa will ever be able to provide you with the support you will need. You are not the right one because you can never be the endless well of support she will demand now and forever.
Six years is a long time to be together. And I'm sure that all the friends and families want to kick her in the @ss for letting a great guy like you go. But, she is self-centered and selfish, and she will not see the gem she has let go. Instead of seeing the new guy as competition for her attention (you cannot call it affection), think of him as the relief of all the emotional turmoil you had to deal with when you were with Vanessa.
Jim, do yourself a favor, and concentrate on completing the academy. Go talk with a counselor if one is offered. Stay as far away as possible and continue the no contact. If a mutual friend/relation offers you news about her, politely change the subject. I feel for you, guy. Take care of yourself for a change.
Mimiche