Venting!
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| Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:24am |
I feel fairly comfortable venting here... I'm sure were all experiencing similiar feelings.
Basically, me and my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years recently broke up. The actual break up was bad enough, but what folowed was worse. Here's the story: We had just moved to a new city together and our relationship became stressed. To make a long story short, he cheated on me with this mutual friend of ours. (Background: she's sort of like the joke of all of our friends... crazy, gross, and will sleep with every guy that walks, no joke.) Anyway, I knew right away and confronted him. Of course he admitted it, saying that he was really drunk and that he's ashamed of himself and he doesn't even like her. They only kissed for a moment, and he walked away when he realized how wrong it was.
Needless to say, our relationship ended at that point. He moved out a week later, but while we were still living together, we talked for hours every night about why this break up is a good thing. You see, he has a problem with alcohol and low self-esteem. It all stems from his childhood and they are issues he hasn't really dealt with. He said that he never learned to love himself and once I came into his life, he never felt like he had to since I loved him so much. He wanted to use this break up to work on his issues. He said he's terrified of turning into his father and that he needs to learn how to love himself before he can really love anyone else the way they deserve to be. He said I was the most wonderful, pure hearted person he's ever met. Blablabla. So, I walked away from the break up thinking that it was a positive thing. If we were meant to be together, it would happen in the future. I knew that he wasn't the person that I was willing to accept in my life at this point. But I did tell him that if he ever wants anything from me, friendship or otherwise, he would have to choose me over that nasty girl. How could I continue thinking positive thoughts about him knowing he would run back to her once single? Of course he told me that he had no interest in her, would never talk to her, was ashamed of his behavior in the first place.
Well, after he moved out we continued to talk a couple of times a week. I still cared about him, still loved him. He was my best friend and boyfriend. A couple of weeks ago I found out he not only was talking to that other girl, but he slept with her, post-break up! I was furious and heartbroken. I know we aren't together, but I made it quite clear in the beginning that it was her or me. I just can't believe that he had such little respect for me after 4 years and that he was willing to throw away everything we had!
Of course, I confronted him and he said that he did see her but he wasn't any longer. He said he was lonely, drunk, and knew she would be "available". It just crushes me that all that time I was thinking positive thoughts about him, mourning our ended relationship, while he was doing that.
I made it quite clear that I am no longer his friend and that I hate him now. I can only take so much from a person, you know. But deep down, I know I don't truly believe this, but I had to make him aware of the consequenses of his actions. I guess I'm just left wondering why I do still care. I'm not calling him, and I don't really think he knows I still care... but why can't I get over him and all this drama?
Why do I still believe in him even though he continues to make bad choices and hurt the ones closest to him? Why do I still hold on to the belief that one day he will see the reality of his ways and actually change? How do I except the reality that the person you loved so much could be so cruel? AHH!

::Why do I still believe in him even though he continues to make bad choices and hurt the ones closest to him? Why do I still hold on to the belief that one day he will see the reality of his ways and actually change?
You see 'potential' but that doesn't mean he accepts, loves and/or believes in himself. You want your love to heal him.
::How do I except the reality that the person you loved so much could be so cruel? AHH!
He's not really trying to be cruel. He's getting his needs met (no matter how warped they are in regards to his childhood issues) and he can't operating any other way. This is the real him.
I don't know how you can stay in that reality, but you need to for your healing process to be a success. Good luck to you.
Carrie
I'm glad you feel this a safe place for you to vent your feelings, welcome.
You won't be able to help him break through his problems, and I think you're bothered by that.