Verbal abuse, when is it time to leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Verbal abuse, when is it time to leave?
7
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:03am
I am in a relationship with a man that has a small child. We have been together for several years. The child is with us every weekend. We have lived together for the past two years. The child is a seperate issue with our realtionship. I left him last year, only to come back because he promised he would change. We have little in common and it seems that every look I make or every word out of my mouth is an excuse for him to snap at me and start an argument. I am not a saint, but I know that 90% of his anger is unjustified or misdirected at me. I finally have reached the end of my rope and I am scared. I want the relationship to end, but I know that he will beg me until I give in again. When I moved out before he constantly showed up unannounced and called all the time (work and home). Some would say that was romantic not giving up on our relationship, but it is very clear to both of us that we do not belong together. He relies on me more than he should and I have been an enabler to his bad behavior all this time. He has plunged me into unmanageable debt, so finding a new place to live is going to be a challenge. I need the courage to walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:23am
UGH...that's not romantic -- that is scary. I stayed with someone longer than I wanted to because of that type of coersion. When I finally said 'no more' he became violent. He also had a drinking problem. I am not trying to scare you by telling you this, but you may need to plan your escape -- as it were. Is there someone you can stay with? You need to get away from this situation as soon as you can. He will not get better with time. You may need to change jobs as well. What kind of security do you have at you work site? Can anyone walk in or is there some sort of stop area. Men like these can manipulate, plead, tell you everything and anything, make you feel like the biggest piece of garbage on the earth because you want to end the relationship, make it sound like you owe them somehow and if you leave you are ungrateful for all the wonderful things they have done for you (like plunge you in debt).

You have the courage. Get out while you still have your own will. ((hugs)) ~~~~~strong courage vibes being sent your way!!!~~~~~~

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:13pm
Lois,

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry about what you went through, no one should have to live in fear. All he has ever done has been verbal. I am in fear that he will show up/call everywhere I may be and make things uncomfortable for the people around me. I would like us to part ways with out drama. The thing is that we both know that this relationship is not true love. We have different ideas, religions, interests and so on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:59pm
Thanks...it was a long time ago. A different lifetime it seems. He too was never physical until that one night. I never thought for a minute that he would ever lay his hands on me. The ironic thing was I allowed him to come over to my place because I felt sorry for him because he was taking the breakup so hard, and agreed to go see a movie with him. Live and learn. It was the first and last time he laid his hands on me, but it still took me a while after that to totally untangle the mess and get away from him.

Anyway, I didn't mean to infer that this would happen to you, but your story did trigger the memory of 'the pyscho' as I fondly (sarcasm) refer to him. Oh..to make matters more complicated we worked together. That was another lesson learned.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:33am
I have this book "the verbally abusive relationship" and it is AWESOME! I can't remember the author but you might want to check it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:10am
Abuse is abuse is abuse no matter what the form. An emotionally abusive relationship can and will take a toll on you. Sounds like your right in the middle of one. I just ended an emotionally abusive relationship about 3 months ago-that was the first time. We got back together and broke up about 4 times after that. Even though he moved to another state that was 8 hours away he still managed to worm his way back into my life and manipulate me. You really dont know the power one has over you until you are out of it. Your friends can see it, your family can see it but you somehow have blinders on and cant see it. I can only speak for myself but I thought the fact that he kept wanting me back was a measure of his love for me. Now I realize that he just needed to have me in his life to continue the abuse that he so craved. Thankfully, the last time we broke up he met someone else to work his magic on. Although this really hurt me and trust me I even considered asking him to come back to me but I held strong or somewhat strong and I stayed away. I know I am better off without him. Its still tough. It can take years to get over an emotionally abusive relationship because it takes your free will, your self esteem and your belief in yourself to be alone and have a happy life. You have probably been told that no one else will want you or you cant live without him. Well, that is simply not true and in your heart you know this you just dont trust yourself anymore to know if its true or not but it is. Get out now, Get out while you can, Get out and start the healing process. Just get out.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:23pm
I so relate! I just got out of the same abusive relationship after 3 years, I tried to break up a dozen times before only to go back. He raged so bad one night I thought for sure he was going to hit me. I am finally out and this time I got lucky too, he's got a new victim who think she struck gold with his charm and generosity. It's a pattern with these timebombs. I don't want to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells never knowing when the explosion goes off. Two of his kids turned into ragers too, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Addiction played a part in my loser, pot, porno, spending, etc. It's really hard too, I'm in such pain some days wanting to go back to him but I know now (I attended a love addict meeting) that it is my validation to feel good about myself but that doesn't last long and then you feel BAD. I'm trying to get rid of my negative thoughts about myself thinking my life is empty without him, but you know what I can sleep at night and I have a sense of peace.

Good Luck

Helene

(the codependent, love addict board has really helped me in this situation)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:51am
Amy,

I feel like you are inside the thoughts in my head. I have a plan to get out, it is going to be so hard. One of my saving graces is that his Mom is behind my desicion. He treats her the same way, but not as bad as me. She sees the way he is and feels so bad for me.

He thinks I always need to be right and get the last word in. He fails to realize that I am just in shock reacting to his arger. I never know what is going to set him off, last night for example we where having dinner. His mom, son and the two of us. He asked me to check on the grill, I did, came back in (meanwhile he went to the bathroom). He comes out and walks by me with a smart remark like "Thanks for checking on the food) and then storms away. I go after him trying to tell him that I had just checked on it and it needed to be left alone for a few minutes to finish cooking. He got so angry, wouldn't let me speak, stormed off. Then while we where eating, his Mom and I went to finish some of the food, and he got angry because we didn't ask him first and he stormed off. He did however come back for his son and then left his mother and I to clean up, this was intended to be a thank you dinner from him for she and I.