On the Verge

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
On the Verge
6
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:46pm
Hi all. I'm new. But I need a place to turn so I can vent a little.

I've been with my current boyfriend for over 3 years now. During this time we've been through a lot of ups and downs. Most of the downs have left me disappointed and upset. However, since I loved him I stuck it out. Just now, in the past month or so, I've come to the realization that things aren't going to work. Now all I have to do is break it to him. We live together. This is going to be very tough. He will not take it well at all I am sure. Is anybody in a similar boat? HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
In reply to: imoverit79
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:04pm
Imoverit79...


Well your situation sounds the same as mine..If you want to read the post it's in the message board under my membername on Sept 16th. I finally broke up with him about 2 weeks ago but I could not handle the pain that I was feeling, I love him so much but there are things that just aren't working out for us but I can't stand the fact that I will not see him again. I let him come back but I don't feel the same so I'm just waiting it out I guess to see what happens next, I know he's not going to change.

But anyways back to your situation....If you feel that the relationship you are in is not going to work and you know deep down things are not going to change, ask youself this question...do you want to stay with him and let these things just happen and be miserable? This is a tough question to ask but this is what my friend told me to think about. If you want to get married..also think about this..people don't change over night and it may take along time for somone to realize that they need to change. Maybe a break would help the two of you, or is that possible?? My boyfriend and I also live together and I couldn't bear the fact that he would have to move his stuff out. I think that if you know it's the right thing to do just do and and don't have any contact with him because the second you do, you will think about all the good times and want to get back together. I know because it happend to me. I talked to him on the computer and we just slowly started hanging out again.


I hope this helps but you have to decide what to do. It's really hard and I'm not going to tell you that it's easy, just make sure that you are ready for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: imoverit79
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:17pm
I will tell you one thing about taking him back, and that's that he probably felt the rift between the two of you building, too. When you pull the plug on a relationship, I think the dumpee always feels like the need to be taken back by the dumper. The only problem is, once the dumpee is taken back, s/he will probably go back to making you miserable and you both might just be unhappy again. That is, unless you both openly commit to re-building the relationship and working hard on mending the rift.

In my experience, I felt the rift building and didn't have the guts to break it off because I had taken him back 3 months earlier. He ended up breaking up with me (now 1 month ago) and now I'm hurting because I didn't end it first, even when I KNEW it wasn't working. Here's an interesting article I think you should read as you're deciding:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/24_dating_advice.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: imoverit79
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:51pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry things are working out with you and your bf.....but it's better to realize that now then 5 or 10 years down the line. I'm sure this is not going to be easy but the sooner you do it the better. If you're worried about his actions maybe bring a friend along.....maybe have them wait outside or in a nearby room.....where they can hear in case you need help but he doesn't feel they're invading his space or like he's being made a spectacle of. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: imoverit79
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:40pm


I am in the same boat. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and lived together 2. She is now moving out, but tells me that she still wants to be with me and that it is all up to me. Doesn't that sound a little wierd, she is going to move out, but still wants to continue our relationship? I actually came here to ask wether or not I should try to keep her with me. I am going nuts, and don't really want to talk to any of my friends over the phone. It is so quiet here alone, I don't know how people live alone, it's insane. I also still love her, just as you were saying you love him. But we just dont get along. I don't know what it is between you and your bf, but if you want someone to vent with you can email me at wobbles66@yahoo.com . Who knew a relationship could be so difficult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: imoverit79
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:36pm
I'm in the same boat too. I have not left yet, but I plan to. I also wonder how my bf will react. I agree that if you think it will get ugly, then it may be better to have "the talk" in semi-public area or ask someone to call you at a specific time to make sure everything is going OK. It is really hard to leave someone you've been with for several years. It will be stressful, but if you have genuine doubts now, it is worth it to just get it over with. All I can say is try to break it to him gently, but DO NOT let him change your mind once you've told him it's over. That is a mistake. 99.99999999...% of the time, you cannot go back and have a successful relationship. You must plan your exit. Save some $, figure out where you are going to live next (if you're the one leaving). Tell him that you don't feel like things are going to work out in the long run and it would be best for both of you to move on. Emphasize that you want him to be happy too, but it's not likely to be with you. Don't get into the past mistakes, or list his faults. I continue to make the mistake of moving in with guys that I don't really intend to marry. Then, inevitably, either he or I have to move out. It *is* tough, and one day I'll learn, hope you do too. I feel your pain...good luck. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: imoverit79
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:21am
Now its going to be hard but you must be very strong and assertive. Before you even go through with the first step take some time off to yourself to actually make sure that this is the right decision, and that you would be okay with making it and most importantly carrying it out. Its hard to end a relationship of that many years, especially because you two reside together but always remember if you are making this decision and you know that it is a right one, one that will make you happier in the end there is really no turning back. Now, I am not saying that you and him cant be friends, maybe even grow personally and hit it off in the years to come, I am just saying that once you make this decision he needs to be out of your house, not just out of your bed. It’s difficult to kick someone out who you have such strong feelings for, especially one who’s been a part of your life for such a long time. But the last thing you want to do is have an uncontrollable relationship, one that you’re broken up but still dealing with all the drama. Him running back to your place, you letting him in, kicking him out the same night etc. Be aware of you and your needs, and if he’s not meeting them, and you feel like this is what you want to do, and need to do...More Power to you, just be strong and know your in control of your emotions and actions at all times, even times of venerability....Good Luck!