On the verge of break-up & feeling blue
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On the verge of break-up & feeling blue
| Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:36am |
Hi. I posted in July to another board here -- Ask the Relationship Saver. At the time, problems between me & my BF were just being aired out. He has a problem with my kids and the way they interact. He claims there is always turmoil in my home and that he feels like he sometimes wants to run out screaming. He has no kids of his own. Granted, they bicker and seem to never get along, but I feel a lot of siblings go through this. Anyway, we recently came back from a vacation we all took together (car trip) and I feel like that was our last "hurrah". I even told him so before we left and felt he wanted to take the trip as our final event together. He wasn't reassuring at all, saying that we would see when we got back. I kind of already felt he had his thoughts sorted out and that it would only be a matter of time. Well, we only got back Saturday night (Aug. 21) and yesterday we had an awful discussion about where this was all going. At first, he was a clam about opening up but by the time we rested our heads, he seemed to have to get it all out. He said things that really hurt me because all along I thought we were compatible and enjoyed just spending time at home. He asked if I really saw us moving forward and said we never have quality time for ourselves because I always need to do things for my daughter (she's now 7). He said we are like two old folks, not ever doing anything. Meanwhile, when we first started out (11 months ago) he was more than happy to sit around the house with me and whenever I suggested going out he'd say it was OK and that he understood I had kids and that it was hard for me to make arrangements for them. Anyway, that's all past history and it doesn't change what is happening now. I was so heartbroken last night, I could barely get any rest. I want to be understanding because if he can't deal with me AND the kids, then we are really going nowhere, BUT of course there is that side of me that feels let down and abandoned. I thought he loved me enough to work through these issues, but I guess he doesn't. We haven't officially said "good-bye", but it's so apparent to me that we will eventually go our separate ways. I'm trying to build up some strength for the final fall, yet I'm more and more defeated by my sadness. Can I get some words of comfort, please?

Basically, you're idea of dating is "relationshipping". From the beginning because you have kids, no money for sitters, and lots of obligations with these kids that are unruly and undisciplined......your idea of "dating' is asking a guy to come over, hang out, while you wait on him, snuggle a little, and "handle your parental duties".
Any guy willing to get involved in that is not "dating' you. Dating is where you spend time getting to know one another on fundamental and existential levels - without you involving your kids because you have "no option about it". Kids don't date - they get attached and involved.
That type of man is hanging out where it is easy, convenient, and no responsibility to him....where he gets prioritized at all times, has to reciprocate very little except sexually or physically, and then gets to "go home".
Without kids in the picture - you'd have been told "he's not dating you. You two are hanging out and hooking up because he doesn't want the requirement to prioritize getting to know you as a person, and having to take you out to do it. HE wants the benefits of your physical person....without knowing you at all. you're settling for a guy that is a one foot deep pool...and that is all the investment and involvement out of him in you and your needs and life that you're going to get."
With kids.....you believe that there is a "family dynamic" and that him "coming over at the end of a hard day" is like "daddy coming home."
AFter awhile, instead of jumping up and down to get him a beer and rub his feet, telling the kids to shush up and not interrupt - you started to reinstate the parental obligations to the kids and you wanted him to "help, get involved, be included".
And he's saying "mmmm....no."
So all that has happened is that the ease, convenience, benefits and no communication/no obligation dynamic now has been overriden by the needs, intrusion, and demands of these two kids. It means you can't prioritize him and rubbing his feet 24/7....you have other things to do and you'd like some "help, please"...after all - he's with you in this all the way - he's coming over all the time, and surely he can see that you need some assistance.
Don't hang out and hook up if you want a relationship. But do NOT hang out and hook up in front of your kids if you want their respect as they age.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
When you date someone that doesnt have children, they can't understand the sacrifices that a parent makes. They can't possibly know that if you and he had plans one night for lets say a very expensive play or concert, that if your child became sick, that you're plans would change...and within minutes. The sacrifices a parent makes, especially the parent that is the primary care giver for that child, can't expect someone that doesnt have children, to ever understand what it's like to have them. And he doesnt. And until he has children of his own, he can't possibily understand.
I'm a single mom, but of a 17 year old, so i have alittle more freedom than a mother of a younger child...but i will tell you this...my son will ALWAYS come first. And i'd prefer to date men that have children of their own, so they understand the sacrifices that are necessary in being a parent.
If you're hoping that one day, some day, he'll be coming around to completely understanding what you go through day to day with children of your own...forget it! cause it aint gonna happen girl!
Your most important mission in life right now is the emotional and physical health of your children....everything else comes last. Someone that has children..would have this same thinking...but since he doesnt...he just never will. Don't waste your heart of someone that doesnt have the same priorities in life than you do.
Deborah