very angry and hurt

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
very angry and hurt
8
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:10pm

I just found out the medical student boyfriend I was living with (at my own expense because he is just a student living on loans) has moved out, bailed on plans for his birthday (I had a special day all planned) and won't return any phones calls or texts. For a week I thought something terrible happened to him, and then I checked the history on my computer and he is on Match.com emailing women from my computer. In fact I know he is alive because his profile has been active in the last 24 hours. I am so devastated that I don't know what to do. He has my keys and I can't get in touch with him. A part of me just wants to forget about it, but another part of me wants everyone to know that this man will be a doctor next year (a gynecologist at that). What kind of person is he that would do that? Wouldn't you want to know if someone with no decency is your doctor? Oh course I won't because of the legal ramifications. I know I need to move on, but I am so heartbroken and humilitaed I don't know what to do. To think I made coffee for this man every morning. Washed his dirty laundry and opened my home to him free of charge makes me sick to my stomach. The worst part is he knew I had a bad breakup in my past, but that did not stop him from doing this. What can I do?

Heartbroken in Phoenix

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:52pm

I'm so sorry...I've had men pull the disappearing act on me, also, so I know how awful it is...but I've never had it happen in a situation where we were living together, so my heart truly goes out to you!

As far as the keys go...change your locks and forget about getting them back. He *may* resurface (now that I think of it, all the men who've disappeared on me have done so, AFTER I'd already moved on), but you need to not be trying to contact him in order to start to move on.

I actually went back into therapy as a result of my most recent ex disappearing...it helped greatly and I'd highly recommend it.

The hardest thing for me was getting past the anger...anger is very uncomfortable for me, and I was angry at him and angry at myself for not having seen that he was the type of person who was capable of disappearing. I hope you will forgive yourself for that as I have.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:14pm

If I were you and I could get into his match.com account I would email all the women he has corresponded with and tell him what he's like. I would seriously do that if it were possible. It would make me feel a lot better about the situation. Of course then he would just say that you're crazy which is why he left you. But I'd still get some satisfaction from doing something like that or even imagining doing it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a major loser. Even if you still love him, you're clearly better off without someone like this in your life.




Edited 5/23/2006 8:16 pm ET by iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:52pm
Beat him up ... well, since that will not be possible, the most you can do is hold your head up. You have learned a lesson. Meanwhile, write him a nasty letter that you will NEVER send to ease some of your hurt and anger. And keep writing these nasty letters until you feel better. This is not something I made up, I read about it in a break up book.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:44pm
((((HUGS)))) and welcome to iVillage and the board! Sorry he just left you like that, but I say change the locks and move on. The suggestion of writing him a nasty letter and then not sending it is a good one, because it gives you the opportunity to clear the air and get things off your chest without making further contact with him. When you're done writing it, tear it up or burn it for closure (and to make sure it doesn't accidentally find its way to him), then treat yourself to doing something special.
Click to join the fun!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:07pm

Been there! I lived with my ex-boyfriend of 3 1/2 years for 1 1/2. I did his laundry, cooked, cleaned, did the grocery shopping, took care of our pets, ran errands for him and even went so far as to go out for him and pick up his coffee and cigarettes (I don't even smoke!) There were entire weekends he just slept on the couch without wanting to go out or spend any time with me.

My best advice to you, change the locks, find something you like to do and meet new people and forget about him. I'm sure almost every woman has been taken for a ride by some guy so don't beat yourself up about it. My best revenge was joining martial arts (getting to kick the crap out of a heavy bag is really strangely soothing - lol) and got into the best shape of my life. I'm now with someone new and wonderful and my ex is alone, fat and miserable.

You have to do whatever you can to be able to let it go and move on - and its a learning experience so you won't make the same mistake again. Let someone else see what a wonderful, kind, generous person you are. :) Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 2:23pm
i know it is easy for me to say that u are better off of him.. ia m currently dealing with anger after a break up and it is a tough thing to do ...i start wondering what is in those men mind really...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
In reply to:
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:44pm
I wish you could let his future patients know about this. I wouldn't want him within fifty feet of my vagina.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
In reply to:
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:04pm
you need to go to http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/ and post his picture and your experience with him.