very confused and sad

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
very confused and sad
7
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:46am
Hi all,

I've been a member of the LDR board for the past couple of months....now I'm gonna be posting here too. My ex broke up with me after coming back from a 2.5 month trip to New Zealand. He says he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. But he wants to be friends. I'm still trying to figure out if that is what I want. It seems a bit unfair for me to give him my friendship when he has hurt me so much. Basically, the whole time he was down in New Zealand he was trying to get me to break up with him. He lied, he didn't call, he barely stayed in touch. Yet the whole time he would say he loved me, and when I would ask if he wanted to break up, he would say no. So, he came back, broke up with me, and then packed all his stuff and moved 1300km away for Med school. He just left last friday.....he said he'd get in touch, but he hasn't. Of course, he's busy, not even sure if his phone and internet have been hooked up yet.....but here I wait, just like when he was in NZ, waiting for a call or e-mail. and it's stressing me out, and pissing me off, that I"m still waiting for this guy. Problem is, I think I'm still in love with him. Notice the *think*. When he was away, he was this different guy, who, to be honest, I almost broke up with numerous times. But the week he was home, he was great....caring, considerate, fun. The guy I feel in love with.

Guess my question is, should I just e-mail him and tell him not to bother contacting me? It makes me very sad to think about it, but I"m so stressed out right now! I thought that we would be able to fix the things in our relationship, but he didn't even want to try. And that hurts. He was my best friend before we started dating, and now I've lost that. We were together for over 2 years. Lived together for 1 year of that (probably the biggest mistake!)

Just wanted to vent, cause I was sitting here wondering why he hasn't called, and I needed to get this out somewhere. thanks for reading!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:16pm
Hi Karen-- I'm understanding how you feel right now. All the different emotions are just a lot to handle. My ex (of 6 days) wants to continue to talk as friends and I just don't know how I feel about that. How can you go from being in a relationship to being just friends? Unfortunately, I have no answers for you as I'm struggling myself to make sense of things. I was in a LDR for a little over a year and basically the same happened, his feelings changed and he just didn't know if he could continue our relationship. You've got to decide if he's worth keeping as a friend or if it would be too hard to maintain contact with him... Regardless, I think you are taking the high-road and being very mature about the situation.

Just know that you have people to support you and I'm one of them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:19pm
Sometimes, you can be friends with an ex. You can never be *just* friends with an ex, though, until you've come to accept and be okay with the idea that you will never be together or be anything more than friends. Days, weeks, months after the breakup, you are not in that place. Trying to fit the love and passion you had for someone into the friendship box is a painful exercise that doesn't actually benefit you. I speak from experience. I know there's this feeling that you're just tossing it all away if you don't try to be friends, that it's more mature to be friends, whatever. Here's why "the dumper" wants to be friends - to assuage his guilt, to smooth it all over and somehow fast-forward you both past the pain of the breakup, and to have you in his life just in case (face it, he knows you still love him, if he had your best interests at heart, he'd just leave you alone for a bit, tell you to contact him if/when *you* want to be friends, not at his timetable). Similar reasons apply for the dumpee who acted like a jerk and deserved to be tossed on his butt, who reappears - he can't have been such a bad guy if you want to be friends with him, blah, blah, blah. Point is, the offer of friendship seems harmless, and you may feel pressure to take it (and be "mature" about the breakup), but the person offering friendship has an agenda. It's not the kind of friendship you have with your actual, legitimate friends, a relationship noticeably lacking in pain and thwarted dreams.

Here's what it's like to try to be friends soon after the breakup - all of his mannerisms, your old "in jokes," your habits and routines, will pop up in some awkward way. Scenes from my brief attempt at "friendship" with the man I wanted to marry and who broke my heart by abandoning me when I had cancer: A song may come on the radio while you're together, you may be reminded of that vacation you took to Jamaica, and while you might say something about the great snorkeling, you won't be able to help but remember how much fun you had in the resort's four-poster bed. I'm on the pill, have been since college, and always take it in the evening (I used to keep irregular morning hours) - on a "friends" hang-out, he leans over to remind me to take my pill - how's that for messing with your head? How about, you go Dutch on several outings, then suddenly he's insisting on picking up the check, holding your arm and escorting you to your car, wanting a hug/peck on the cheek? Maybe he comes by to tour your new place, and spends about 15 minutes in the bedroom musing aloud about whether your bed seems smaller than he remembers it, and is that a new comforter? Maybe you call him on a Sunday afternoon, and wake him from a nap, and he's got that sleepy/sexy voice you recall so well (maybe, horror of horrors, a girl answers and then hands him the phone, and he's clearly been in bed with her). Maybe, on one of your "friends" outings, you run into mutual friends who are confused about your status, and he elaborately tells them there's "no way" you're getting back together?

Use your imagination - think of endless days and nights puzzling over hidden meanings in his words/actions, trying to decipher mixed messages like him calling you friends but only wanting to see you Friday/Saturday nights, aching and longing for him and being unable to move on and date someone else. Does any of that sound like a good thing? And what do you get out of it? Honestly, what do you want out of friendship? If you want reconciliation, you need to admit that to yourself, and further understand that, if you're "friends" you will hear about his new dating escapades, his bachelor-party trip to the strip club, that girl who was hitting on him and his buddy at the bar, etc. Want that? No, I didn't think so. If you really do just want friendship, what does this relationship really offer in the way of friendship? There are all kinds of landmines, areas of conversation that are off-limits if you want to be careful of each others' feelings, right? Like, you can't really talk about your social life, your past, your future plans/dreams that don't include each other, mutual friends that one person got custody of, any movie/song/whatever with a sexual overtone, you name it. You tread very carefully, you constantly find you've accidentally slipped on the tightrope, and you hurt yourself again and again. And for all of that, you get the guy you don't trust and couldn't rely on, and with whom you can't actually talk honestly? What is the benefit, really, to being friends?

Anyway, that's my long-winded 2 cents. I am friends with some exes, usually after not very serious relationships (certainly not after they pressured me for sex after cancer surgery, like my recent ex), and usually after a fair amount of time for all the emotions, routines, and most of the sensitive memories to become dulled with time. I wouldn't necessarily tell your ex you're initiating no contact, just don't contact him and don't respond to anything from him until/unless you're ready to accept less than love from him. And don't feel bad if you never get to a point where you feel able to have him in your life in some half-assed capacity as a potentially heartbreaking friend.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:30pm
Hey Karen, sorry to "see" you on this board...but I hope you'll get some helpful feedback.

I'm friends with several exes...but it took time and a period of no contact with each before I was able to get to the point where I could be friends.

I would strongly advise not trying to be friends until you're completely over him and have no more romantic feelings for him. The test: when you think you're ready, you imagine calling him and he tells you about his great new gf. If you know you'd be nothing but happy for him, then you're ready to be friends.

Sheri

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:06pm
Thank you everyone for your replies. Of course, reading them hurt, cause the truth hurts sometimes...and this truth hurts a lot. Yeah, I want to stay in touch because I want us to have a chance to get back together. I can honestly admit that. And I know it's a bad idea. And I'm gonna try this no contact thing. I really am. It actually hurts that he wants to be in touch now, when he couldn't put the effort in while we were together. I know it makes him feel better to get in touch with me and make sure I'm doing ok....although why he keeps asking me how I'm doing, when I know he only wants to hear that I'm fine, when I'm not, is beyond me. This is SO HARD!!! But I thank you all for your support, and very honest answers. thanks for being here!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:53pm
Thanks to everyone for your posts. I know I didn't start this message, but I am going through the same torture. I copied Milton's response and will read it throughout the day for strength!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:19am
Hey Karen,

I read your reply to my posting, and now am viewing yours... I want to tell you to forget about your ex, but I know how hard it is to give up hope. I sometimes think that the worst thing in this whole world is the feeling of hope. You want to hang onto something, anything, and when you lose all hope, you feel as though you've lost yourself. But Karen, I swear to you, you havent. You can let this go, and you will be ok.

My ex told me during one of our last conversations that my problem was that I "Loved too much." He was right. But not in the sense that he said.. he told me that I could love 40% sometimes, and it would be ok, because you dont have to love 150% all of the time. I think he's wrong, because you can love 150% if that love is returned 150%, but if someone only loves you 'sometimes', then you need to remove yourself if your love is greater, because you will get hurt, and you'll get hurt bad. That was my problem.. I loved him too much for what he returned.

I wish you all the best.. If you ever need to talk, drop me a note..

Di
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:07pm
Di,

Thank you. Funny, but I'm having a good day. Started off really good....then went way down when I talked with the ex on the phone.....now it's good again cause I'm ANGRY! He said some really stupid things, very hurtful things, and lots of things that make no sense what so ever. It's like this whole thing is my fault!!! It's not! And he talked about his rep up there...how everyone sees him as the party guy...who always stays up and can drink anyone under the table. Sorry, but grow UP! Not something that I can live with. Maybe he'll grow out of that, and maybe at that time I'd want to be with him, but he says he's happy now that he's out of this relationship....yet I'm still "a great girl, fun to be around". Uh huh. We did argue a lot, but it was always about the same thing, and he never wanted to put any effort in...and he never communicated his needs, so how could I ever know how he felt.....my mind reading skills obviously need some work.

LOL. Ok, that was a rant. Just wanted to say thanks!

Karen