VERY Confused, Need Advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2014
VERY Confused, Need Advice!
Thu, 03-13-2014 - 11:57am

This is long....sorry.....

I’m very confused right now and need some advice.

About a year ago I broke up with my best friend and love of my life. We had been dating two years and I was ready to get married. He, on the other hand, was unsure of our future. Sadly, we parted ways.

About three months after our break up I met someone else and we started dating exclusively. I have been seeing this man for almost a year. For the first 8 months I was happy and content to be with him. This relationship is not as exciting or fun as my last one but this man is very sweet and loving to me. We have told each other we love each other, however, we have no future plans and I’m beginning to think that we never will do to situations (below) and timing.

For the past three months I have been unsure of my feelings for this man. The first 8 months he worked locally but for the past 3 months he has been out of town a total of 6 weeks for his job. I am a teacher, have set hours and am free on the weekends. I am finding myself alone, with nothing to do, or having to do things by myself more than I like. I have always been active and like to be on the go, try new things, and be adventurous! I try to stay fit, run in a few 5Ks, bike, hike, camp, etc. Although my new boyfriend would like to do some of these things with me his life doesn’t allow him the time. So, instead, he seems to be getting unhealthier and less fit. I feel like a bitch for saying that but its true.

I’m 46 and my new boyfriend is 41. My son is 19, grown and away at college. My boyfriend has two kids from two different marriages. His 16 year old son lives with him (mother is not in the picture) and his 5 year old daughter visits every Thursday and every other weekend. When my boyfriend is not out of town working he has responsibilities with his kids. So, we don’t get to be spontaneous, its difficult to make plans or we are doing things with his kids. I totally respect his time with his kids and feel they should come first. Initially this didn’t seem like a big deal to me but I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently.

Also recently, his son got in trouble at school for having a small bag of pot in his backpack. His son was expelled and has to go to an alternate campus. This has taken even more time away from my boyfriend and has worried me about our future together, especially since I‘m a teacher and have never experienced such an issue with my own son. Like I said before we have no plans for our future, as in marriage, however, if I WAS married to this man this 16 year old, in trouble, would have been left with me while my boyfriend is working out of town.

So, I have had different conversations with my new boyfriend and shared all my thoughts and concerns. He basically told me he understood and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I was unsure. He said that he was going to be working out of town, that he is tied down with his kids, that his life was the way it was and I had to decide if he was worth waiting for or not. He said he would do his best to try and make more time for us, however, all the same issues have come up again…..him working out of town, can’t make plans, etc.

Then, to complicate things, I ran into my old boyfriend at a mutual friend’s party. (Of course I was ALONE at this party L ) I talked to my old boyfriend and he said that he’s been thinking of me and still has feelings for me. I told him that I was seeing someone else and he said he didn’t want to interfere, however, he missed all the activities we use to do together and if I found myself available to call him so we could catch up more.

I’m confused! I don’t want to hurt anyone and I sure don’t want to be hurt myself. I just don’t know what to do. Does anyone have advice or has been in the same situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 03-13-2014 - 12:36pm

It sounds like this relationship is coasting towards break up, which would probably be the best thing for both of you. You know that it is unsatisfactory for several reasons but you are not ending it because you don't want to "hurt" anyone. Remember that the purpose of dating is to find out if two people are compatible and sometimes that takes a long time---long enough to fall in love, which makes it harder to break it off. It has become apparent that you and your bf have very different priorities, and he has another 13+ years of parenting so his priorities will not be changing soon. Btw, a teen with some pot is not necessarily on the road to ruin (I guess you're not a HS teacher lol) but I don't blame you for not wanting to become stepmom when the dad is away half the time. (just wondering, who is with the son while dad is away?) Your bf has been through at least 2 failed relationships so he seems to know how to bounce back from the it sounds like his plate is too full to have an unhappy gf on it, especially when he cannot change the things that are making you unhappy. If you break up with him then you will be available to meet somebody who shares your interests and schedule.

As for the ex-bf, if you are considering reuniting with him, first have some serious talks about the issues that caused you to break up 2 years ago. If those are not resolved then you would just be setting yourself up for a rerun of the heartbreak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 11:03am

I agree with Remdamma!  You're not happy in the relationship that you 're in now.  It's not going to go anywhere.  Aside from the meeting w/the ex, you shouldn't stay in this relationship, it's not working for many reasons.  I understand that some things are more fun if you have someone to participate with you, but at the same time, this guy isn't even able to do that.  You need to just do what you want to do, and to be happy doing things on your own.  Matter of fact, if you do things on your own, more than likely you will meet other people, including MEN that are interested in the same things that you are.

As far as the ex is concerned, don't go back to him just as a replacement for the one that's not working out.  Before you get involved again, you need to discuss what, if anything, the future holds for both of you.  If he's still "unsure", then don't bother with him, because he'll break your heart again.  Stop thinking that you need a man in your life to be able to enjoy things that you want to do.

Good luck.........