Very Confused, please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Very Confused, please help
4
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:15pm
hello and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I am 24 years old and I just got out of the Army this summer. I recently got a job working as a contractor in Kuwait (where I am now). ANyway, i met this guy over here and we were both new to being in the desert, so we got very close. he sort of turned into my best friend, we talked about evrything from chilhood pains to goals that we may have when we leave here.
I began to get attracted to him and we had sex. Weve had sex a lot. Over the next few months I found my feelings growing a lot for him and I was trying to fight them because I didnt want this to just be a "kuwait relationship". so one day i got the courage to ask him if he wanted to be official. i was surprised when his reponse was "i have issues and i am going through a alot right now." it sounded more like an excuse. he dosnt have children or a wife at home so why wouldnt he want to be with me? he tells me that he loves me all the time and even has the nerve to complain when he sees me engagaed in a converstaion with a male co-worker. and yet, he dosnt want me as a girlfriend.
After he told me that, I left him alone for a few days and he came back around and I fell back into the trap. He recently went back to america for a two week vacation, i was going to try and use that time to focus on myself, but he kept calling me and wondering what i was doing and asking how i was.
We continue to have sex NOW and he still tells me that he loves me.i asked him if he would take a day off with me to spend some time together, and he told me that he came over here to make money and taking a day off is not a good idea. I dont know why i still do it when i know its most likely not going anywhere. i spent new years eve with him and it was great. we talked about resolutions and the future and once again, i was not included in his plans. i dont know why i am doing this to myself. i resent him and feel like i hate him and yet i kinda still want to be with him. i feel like i cant see whats in front of my face sometimes. if he's was supposed to be such a good friend to me, i just dont know why i could not get a straight answer from him.i'm almost mad at myself for getting wrapped up in him when he started out as just my friend.
please let me know if you have any advice or know what i should do. thanks so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:52pm

Unfortunately, when we are far from home and away from our families and friends and support systems, it is so easy to "cling" to anything that makes us feel closer to someone or something. It appears from your post that this is what this guy is doing. You are both in a foreign land, and I would assume you're both going to be there for a while. It is probable that he is "just" looking for companionship while he is in Kuwait. Unfortunately, this is all too common in situations like yours. I have never been in the services, but plenty of my friends have and I have heard their stories of "love" while stationed in certain places for certain amount of times. None of my friends had delusions that these relationships would sustain themselves when it was time to move to a different port or station. However, they were honest with their partners...telling them exactly what they were thinking and expecting. It was never just sex to them...it was real companionship, someone to share the boring days with and talk to and pass the time with. These people may not have become "life partners", but every single friend of mine has said if it were not for those people being with them in strange places far away from home, they don't think they would have made it through those lonely days in strange lands. So, as the saying goes...there are people that come into your life for a day, a season or a lifetime. Even if they stay only a day or a season, doesn't mean the time spent together wasn't worthwhile or rewarding.

I'm sure this guy cares for you. But I'm also quite sure that being in the place you are and under the circumstances over there, it would be difficult for anyone to commit to anything other than the job they are doing. I'm not saying you should give him the benefit of the doubt, or that you should allow him to string you along. He should be honest with you about his intentions and let you decide from there. If he can't be honest about what he ultimately wants from this, then you will have to be the strong one to end the relationship. I wish you luck with this...and a safe return home when it's your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:32pm
I know it's hard but you need to quit having sex with him!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:48pm
Maybe you are just challenged at the idea that he is resisting a more personal relationship beyond sex. Do what feels good to you. If you don't want to engage in sex with him until he is able to committ to you, than don't do it and tell him. Give him the ole ultimatum. And if you feel like having sex and you are able to keep it to that only than go for it, but put your feelings in perspective and figure out what it is YOU want and don't focus so much on what HE wants. And by the way....God bless you for your braveness and courage to be where you are for our Country.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 8:12pm
Thank you for your post. It helped me a lot.