very good break-up...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
very good break-up...now what?
3
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:30pm

Hey,

First, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope it's not too rambling!

Okay, so I met this guy and we were essentially 'dating' for a month and got on like a house on fire. There was definitely a spark and I was over the moon when he told me he really liked me and we starting going out officially. Anyway, things inevitably changed and although the relationship was fun, there were some really tough moments, especially for me. I felt like I was under an enormous amount of pressure and I didn't know until recently that he felt it too. He changed a lot and went into 'auto-pilot' as he put it, whereas I was paranoid and insecure the whole time.

We'd been together for about five months (which felt like five years) and he went away on a three-day holiday with one of his (male) friends from back home. Anyway, he came back and told me he wanted to break-up. This was because he realised, when having fun with his friend, how much fun *we* used to have and how relaxed it was before we started going out. To my disbelief, I actually didn't get really upset and we ended up talking about the relationship, how it wasn't working, how I was lying to myself telling myself everything was fine. Essentially, he'd told me at the beginning of the relationship that he didn't feel any need to keep in touch with exs which is why I think I was subconsciously afraid to take the step of breaking up with him, because I'd lose him forever, and that would have devastated me. Anyway, he made it very clear that I was so different than any girl he'd ever met and he'd be really upset if we didn't keep in contact because I was 'the most amazing girl he'd ever met', which made me really happy. In the end we stayed up all night talking about everything under the sun and having the best time we'd had in ages! How weird is that?

However, I started to get a bit upset when I realised that although things had turned out for the best, because we would've dragged it out and ended up hating each other otherwise, I was still going to miss the 'couple' stuff. So, I left before he woke up because I started to get a bit weepy. We made plans to meet up a couple of days later and when we met it was actually really fun, and it *was* relaxed, thank goodness. So, clearly, we made the right decision.

Now, you're probably thinking this all sounds too good to be true and wondering why I'm actually posting! Well, as chilled as everything is, I find myself getting upset randomly about missing all the 'couply' stuff and also about the idea of 'having a boyfriend'. He was my first serious relationship and I really liked having a boyfriend! I still intend to see him a lot because I think we have the potential to be best friends, expecially as he's quite withdrawn and a bit eccentric so it's not often he finds someone he has a real connection with. As for myself, he's one of the funniest and most interesting people I know, so there's a lot of reasons to keep seeing each other. I guess I'd like anyone who is still friends (the closer, the better!) with their ex to give me some advice on how to fully get over (I'm not even sure how much I actually 'like' him...that's quite confusing to be honest) him and be okay with being single again. For example, how will I know when I'm 'over' him completely? And, is it unhealthy to want to start dating again in, say, a couple of months? I don't want to un-do all the progress we've made by me acting like a loon and making things unnecessarily weird.

So...sorry that was so long! Well done if you read it all the way through! Thanks in advance for any advice. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 3:07pm

Welcome to the board jellybunny1986,


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 7:11pm

Do you mean unhealthy to start dating HIM again in a few months? or just in general? Usually the best time to date is when you don't feel you need to. If you feel that way, then by all means date (someone else). On being friends, if your ex comes up and tells you breathlessly that he's met the most wonderful girl in the world and goes on and on about how smart and beautiful she is, and how in love he is with her....what is your reaction? If you genuinely feel happy for him - ready to be friends. If the thought of this twists your stomach in a knot - take some time and distance off.

And for future reference, all relationships have tough moments. If either of you are expecting a relationships to be all sunshine and roses, you're sadly mistaken. In any case, the fact that your break up was amicable, means that the chances of you two being friends are pretty good. If you feel you need some time off, remember that it's not your job to be his close confident no matter how eccentric and withdrawn he is.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:30pm

Ok, I relate ;)


....."I still intend to see him a lot because I think we have the potential to be best friends, expecially as he's quite withdrawn and a bit eccentric so it's not often he finds someone he has a real connection with. As for myself, he's one of the funniest and most interesting people I know, so there's a lot of reasons to keep seeing each other. I guess I'd like anyone who is still friends (the closer, the better!) with their ex to give me some advice on how to fully get over (I'm not even sure how much I actually 'like' him...that's quite confusing to be honest) him and be okay with being single again.".....

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