Very long, very complicated, please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Very long, very complicated, please help
5
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 10:01pm

I am currently in a very complicated situation with my boyfriend, and I am torn on how I should handle it... I need some unbiased advice. Here is the lowdown:

Side ONE: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We had a very strong relationship, and have had our share of ups and downs, but overall the relationship was healthy, real, and we were in love with each other.
Things started to slowly break down when earlier this Fall, his mother, whom he had a bad relationship with, passed away unexpectedly. I was out of state at the time, and wasn't there to help him in the flesh, but I was constantly in communication with him. He asked me to come back earlier than I had planned because he said that he needed me, and did not want to be alone, and wanted my support. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea that I come back sooner than planned because I felt that he needed some time and space alone to mourn his mother, and he basically BEGGED me to come back (we just started living together at this point). After I could feel how much he needed me, I decided to come back early and surprise him.
Things were alright for a while after that, but for reasons outside of our relationship, things started to get rockier as the months went by (3 month time span). I had some issues of my own dealing with insecurities that had to do with just graduating from college and not being able to land a job, and he of course, was dealing with his mother's death. Every once in a while (as not to push or pry too much), I would ask him how he felt or to talk about his mom, because I could obviously see that he was internalizing all his feelings. His behavior became somewhat erratic, almost manic, jumping from acting like a 12 year old to being very quiet and extremely sullen. Everything was really hard to deal with, and I was trying my best to support him, but he often stopped me short by saying "I don't want to talk about it". I usually let it go, but sometimes I felt like he should let it out, express himself, truly mourn, and I am indeed familiar with this situation because at 18 I experienced the death of my father, with whom I also had a very bad relationship with. So basically, things started to spiral downward for him, as well as for me, but everything was outside of our relationship. And of course, when you have two unhappy people living under the same roof, it doesn't help, and the relationship suffers no matter how much you may love each other.
There was a chance that I might have had to move across the country due to a job situation, and we talked about breaking up because neither of us could see a long distance relationship really working out. I think because of this, we started to unconsciously distance ourselves a little from each other. We were both really very sad about the prospect of having to break up because we no longer lived with/near each other.
Things came to a head last week, because the time for me to decide to move was nearing. I decided to talk to him about it one day, and he took it that I was breaking up with him right then and there, which was not true at all. I was a little shocked that he ultimately decided that we should break up because it was "inevitable", when I still wasn't sure if I was even leaving (and now I am not because it fell through). I think his behavior had a lot to do with the fact that it is the holidays and how he always went home to see his mom right now (it was just the two of them basically his whole life). He said he regretted asking me to come back early and feels guilty over it, because he realizes now that he does need time and space, to be alone with his thoughts, that he feels so guilty over his mother and wished that he could change things, that he is utterly devastated. This was the first time he had opened up to me in three months. He also said that he loves me, that he wants to be with me, but that he is empty inside and can't give me what I need in a boyfriend, that he doesn't have the energy to put forth the effort, and that I will be happier without him. He said he is not the same person that I fell in love with, that he has changed, that he wish he hadn't, that he misses himself... And now he has started to REALLY distance himself from me, and I am feeling very lonely...

Side TWO: At this point, I started to feel pretty lonely. I don't know, to be corny lets call it women's intuition, I felt something was wrong. It started with a 2am late night drunk dial that he received from a "friend from school" whom I had never heard of before. Also, during our entire relationship, I had never experienced him receiving a call that late from anyone. I came to find thay this girl did not actually go to school with him, and that she was 19! -- five years younger than him (we're the same age). I asked him again, who it was, and he said it was a "friend from school", and I told him that I knew she went to a different school and that she was still in HS when he had graduated college, so... why the lies? He said it wasnt a big deal, that she had thought he was cute, and she had instant messaged him first after seeing his profile on some Friendster type thing, and she was just a new friend, that he lied because he knew I'd make a big deal out of it. I started to get really suspicious because I saw that he had talked to her over instant message for three hours one night. Then, he received a picture from her, a picture of her bare breasts. This upset me a lot, and it sucks because throughout our relationship, I had never once doubted his fidelity. Never, not even when he was in situations where women were drunk around him and tried to get with him. I then found that they had started to text message and email each other, and the final straw was when I accidently found a folder of "sexy" pictures of her and her bare breasts and butt on the computer. When confronted he said she doesnt mean anything, that she was just easy to talk to, and that it was like, she didnt know anything about him, she didnt know anything about his situation, that it didn't take effort to talk to her. I don't know how to feel about that. I feel like, he says he wants space and time from me, that he needs to figure himself out, that he needs to get through his grief, that he is pushing me away, but he is talking to this girl that he met online (not in person -- yet) instead? I am very, deeply hurt, because within a matter of a week, our two year relationship basically ended in a way I never would have imagined. And there was not one point where we had stopped loving each other. I am devastated.

I am torn because I love him very much still, and want to be there for him, and I want to be supportive (in a non pushy, inactive way, in the distance). I know a lot of his behavior is directly tied to his grief. I wouldn't be true to myself if I just cut off all contact when he is hurting most. I know it sounds stupid, but I know what it is like to want to push people away, and in my own experience with my dad because i felt the same guilt and regret when he died, I wanted to be left alone, and i changed a lot of who I was, but I eventually came back to myself.
But I am very VERY hurt that he has started this weird relationship with this girl (two weeks they've been "friends"), and I don't want to FOOL myself. I am just extremely sad... I never thought our relationship would end in a matter of a week, and I wasnt blind, I did see the signs of trouble, but I really felt our relationship was strong enough because we had been through a lot before as well. I am emotionally strong enough to stand by him, but I feel that if he really doesnt want to be with me, if he doesnt love me anymore, than I will give him what he wants and leave him for good. But he won't tell me that, and it is frustrating. Our status is currently "on a break", to give time and space and see how we feel. Tell me if I am just a fool in love and that he is just cheating on me and wants a new relationship, or if he really is messed up and just going crazy for reasons outside of our relationship...

Thank you so much for any feedback. It will help me a lot...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 11:17pm

hmmm,

I don't think you are a fool in love. Your SO went through a grieving process when his mother died. Sadness abounded as he realized he would never have the mother he wanted. This was combined with the uncertainty of not knowing if you would have to move just to survive. His erratic behavior leads me to believe that he may have been suffering from depression. Although I'm sure that you are strong and wise, professional counseling would have been (and still may be) a better choice. You could have still been there to encourage his healing.

He may also have unjustly felt abandoned when you didn't drop everything to be by his side. You were able to lend him the support as best as you could, given the circumstance. Again, coupled with the thought of you moving away, this was a double blow for him.

His depressed state, however, does not excuse the fact that he went looking elsewhere to deal with (or perhaps avoid) these seemingly insurmountable feelings. Being together for almost two years, he should have come to you and work out the problems and insecurities that the both of you had.

Can this be salvaged in any way? I again think he needs professional help. His emotional state IS part of your relationship. Maybe, in reconnecting with himself and you, he can learn to come to you (if the relationship continues) or learn to come to terms with the various losses (if the relationship ends). Some couple counseling may help the two of you figure out the least destructive way to deal with any future problems. If this relationship ends, you will have the advantage of knowing how strong you are for a future relationship.

Please keep us posted.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:57am

Okay I got this far before I had to post:

"and I don't want to FOOL myself"

Because you already are fooling yourself. You keep calling this girl a "friend" when in your heart you know darned well that it's more than that. He may never have had sex with her (highly doubtful) but a person doesn't have to have sex to cheat. He lied to you about how he knew her. He kept her a secret because "he knew I'd make a big deal out of it"? Wrong. He kept her secret because there was addiquite reason to MAKE a big deal out of it. She sent him pictures of her bare breasts. Doing that is irrelevent, as there are plenty of internet sluts out there, but your BF SAVING THEM is relevent.

Don't fool yourself. Your BF is in a grieving process and instead of turning to you he's turning to random faceless women online. If you want to excuse his infidelity with this it's up to you, but in my book there is NO excuse for cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 8:38am
Hi, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I have to be honest and say that I am currently scathing, and I am extremely angry. I feel like a fool, and I feel like I made so many excuses because I love(d) him. I am just SO ANGRY, I want to scream. I feel like I put so much towards this relationship, because I loved him and because I believed that he was truly a good person, and now,... I am so very hurt. I don't know. I go back and forth between being sad, and being angry... I just hurt. But... I know that it definitely takes time to heal, and that is all I have now, time. Life does, and will go on. Thank you again for your replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 3:48pm

Dear Hmmm,

I don't have time to post my response right now, but I think we are in similar situtaions. I think my "boy" friend (I can't say boyfriend b/c we are off again) is depressed and I think I can relate to what you are going through. Maybe we can help each other make sense of things and get through this.

LB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 2:59am

Hi LB,

I would really, very much appreciate that. Right now, I am trying to vent as much as possible, and the outlets seem increasingly closed off... so I guess posting has been a last resort for me. I don't want to have this "baggage" with me in a next relationship, and I want to heal and get over this as much as I can. So I am feeling everything that I am, and going through the motions, and it would be nice to have someone to get through this who is going through something similiar. We can be each other's sounding boards, with help from others of course. I hope this new year brings us some closure and a happy outlook. I look forward to hearing back! Thanks LB.

Hmmm9