Very sad break-up
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| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 2:24pm |
oh my God, this is so sad I can't stop crying.
My bf and I have broken up. We'd been together for a year and a half.
It's sad because we loved each other, had fun and a great sex life. The thing is, I am 27 and he has just turned 21. He says that he would not have started a relationship with me if he'd known we would have become as serious as we had (we'd been talking about marriage and kids someday, he was supporting me a lot emotionally and I would have moved to live with him in a few months). You see, he doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship at this point in his life. He doesn't yet want to have that kind of responsibility for someone and their feelings. He wants to do his own thing for a few years and not have a serious girlfriend (only lighthearted dating). He didn't realise this when we started dating, and that it would become serious. And while he really loved me, he can't make himself feel ready for a serious relationship when he isn't.
For a while, he had also not been treating me very kindly and considerately. He says that that was because he did not feel as much love for me as he did last summer. Then, he firmly thought that we would get married one day, and that I was the one for him. But then we started a long-distance relationship last autumn (he moved for work), and I am a bit depressed and unhappy sometimes, and wanted more emotional support from him than he was happy to give. And the love we had in the summer (when we shared a house together) started to decrease on his part - he started to realise how much work a serious relationship could entail sometimes, and did not feel ready or able to give our relationship that much work at his age. He says it wasn't my fault, that he would have broken it off with me even if he'd still felt as much love for me now as he did last summer. He just doesn't feel at a stage in his life where he wants a relationship as serious as ours.
And that hurts so much. Knowing that, had we met when he was in his late twenties and ready for a serious relationship, it might have lasted. It is so sad, we both think that. But he cannot make himself be in a relationship if he doesn't feel ready for it to be as serious as we would have deserved.
I am grieving for the life we could have had. I think of the look he would have given me on our wedding day, or when I would have told him I was pregnant, or after the birth of our first child. And then I start crying and can't stop. Those could-have-been looks will haunt me for a long time. I will miss waking up next to him, him waiting for me at the train station, all those little things. Despite his flaws (and he had some, like we all have), he is more or less what I wanted in a man, and it will be soo hard to find someone who I can love and who will love me equally and who has all the things that made him special to me.
I suggested to him that I might give him a call in a few years, when he is older, if I happen to think about him and wonder "what if"? And he has agreed that if we are both single then, we might meet up and see what happens. My friends say that I should not hold out hope for that. They are right, aren't they? I should just act as if I will never see him again and move on, right?
I am really scared to be single though. I have few friends, and have been talking to him every day for the time we were together. I will miss that, knowing that someone loves me, and talking to them. Being hugged and cuddled. He says that he will care about me for a long time, and that he is always there for me if I need help. I am worried though I will have some delusion that he is still *with* me in a sense, and that that will stop making me learn how to comfort myself. We have been long-distance for quite some time, and I am used to being with him without seeing him that often. How can I make myself understand that this is different now, that I am not *with* him anymore? And what I can I do to stop myself getting crushingly sad at night when I will no longer talk to him, and missing him like crazy and wanting to be hugged by him?
Also, while the few friends I have are great, and really nice people, I just have felt happier and more fufilled when doing things with my ex-bf. I don't really know how to enjoy people's company, most often I don't. I would rather be cuddling my bf instead. So now I have to start enjoying being with my friends, or have no contact with others at all. But I just don't find my contact with my friends is enough!! There is something lacking, the love and care you get from a bf. And I expect my friends to fill the void left by my bf, which they can't do. AND I have little in the way of social skills, so often attempts to make new friends go really wrong. Help! How can I get over this?
Also, I have next to nothing in the way of hobbies that I enjoy. I know now would be the time to try new things, but I just can't get excited over anything. While I was with my bf I did not have to worry about friends or hobbies, I had him. And now I realise I have nothing else.
Please help! This is hurting so much and I am worried my life will be painful and lonely forever!
Thank you for listening.
goddess
Edited 6/22/2005 2:34 pm ET ET by goddess_bikingmad
Edited 6/22/2005 2:35 pm ET ET by goddess_bikingmad
Edited 6/22/2005 2:36 pm ET ET by goddess_bikingmad

"I am grieving for the life we could have had. I think of the look he would have given me on our wedding day, or when I would have told him I was pregnant, or after the birth of our first child."
But see, honey, you're grieving for what never happened. You're grieving for a fantasy that wasn't necessarily about him... it was about what you thought of and imagined... it wasn't real.
He wasn't the guy for you. If he had been, you wouldn't have broken up - easy as that.
Try not to miss what has never been.