A very tricky situation...
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| Fri, 05-18-2007 - 8:27am |
I've been lurking around here for a long while. Haven't said too much in the way of my break-up, but here's a recap.
He broke up with me in mid-November after over a year and a half, citing the ol' "I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still care about you" cliche. This was my first real relationship; it's safe to say he was my first love (I'm 19, he's 21), and I was torn apart. I'm proud to say I didn't obsessively contact him and make a fool of myself for no reason. I knew we were done, I just didn't admit it to myself until months later. Just once about three weeks later did I instant message him; we had some small talk and didn't speak again after that. He started dating someone new in December, an old mutual friend who he had briefly dated before he met me. We do not speak, but I am still quite close with a few of his close friends.
At the end of January, something terrible and unexpected happened- my mother passed away. To be honest I'm still not sure where my emotions are or where they are going; I've been told it's smartest to see a therapist and I know those we told me that are not wrong, but that's something else entirely.
I considered telling my ex myself, even inviting him to the funeral; family members even asked me if I thought I should tell him, but I just wouldn't have known what to say, and so I let a mutual friend tell him. My family doesn't make a big deal out of funerals at all, and I invited none of my friends, though a few of my best friends asked me to come and of course I said yes.
My ex did not contact me. It hurt more than I could ever imagine. Even though I wasn't crying over him anymore, not contacting me after that proved to be a hundred times more painful than the break-up had ever been. I still cannot wrap my head around it... how could someone you loved and who loved you not contact you at all after that? But at the same time, he was never one to admit his feelings openly, even if he did genuinely care. And strangely, I know he cared. I saw how awkwardly he handled death in the past. Two months before the break-up I saw how he dealt with the passing of my grandmother.
Looking back, I'm starting to wish I had invited him to the funeral. My best friends had been there, and he had been as much a great friend to me in the time we were together as any of the girls I consider my sisters. The romantic emotional pull just isn't there anymore (to those who actually read through this, if you're still struggling, I have to tell you that you might not believe in the "one day I woke up, and I just didn't feel the same about him"- I know I didn't believe in that- but honestly, that is what happened to me), but I feel like there is still unfinished business. I'm a very forgiving person, maybe a lot of you can tell by my tone, I don't hold the break-up against him despite how brokenhearted I was. But I do still dwell on the fact that he could not contact me after my mother's death, and how much more that hurt me. I want to ask him why, even though I half know what his response will be (because of the way he handles these situations). Most of all, I want the chance to really forgive him. I wonder if he thinks I never want to speak to him again, because that's not the case at all. I know that he is a good person and he means well, even if the way he has gone about this is somewhat misguided. I want us to be on good terms; I hate the idea of someone who you were so very close with having to become a stranger to you. So after all that, here's my real question. Would it be wrong of me to open up the door of communication at some point? To extend my best wishes and one day talk to him about what I really think needs to be said? I don't think I could ever actually reach out to him on my own and contact him, but I don't doubt that I will run into him in the future, and I want him to know that I am not bitter; there are just some things I think I deserve an answer to. Maybe some of you think otherwise about all this, and if you believe that I really should just forget about all this and let it go, not speak to him, etc., please, say that too.
I'm sorry for this novel of a post, but if you did read it, thank you so much. Writing this down has actually been therapeutic for me. Any comments are appreciated.

I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope she is at peace and you and your family continue to heal.
That being said he made no effort to offer condlences to you. I don't care if he doesn't handle grief well--at the end of the day who does? The least he could've done is sent a card or an e-mail. I have ex's I haven't spoken to in years but if I found out they went through what you did I would at least send a card.
If you contact him he would never give you the answer you wanted but the fact that he is seeing someone else and never offered you condolences speaks volumes: He' moving on and you should too. Let this one go. Quite honestly it doesn't sound like he cares that you do or don't hold the break-up against him. SO just move on.
My condolences for the loss of your Mother, bollywoodtoile.
It is strange how one loss can *jingle* all your other losses. I think sitting with a therapist is a good idea...to have someone you can bounce things off and who can guide you.
And, yes, I have to agree with the responder before me, your xb/f has apparently moved on...it would be best for you to let go and move on as well.
withclarity
Sorry about your mom. I cannot imagine how that would feel but I am sure it was traumatic, as I know it would be for me.
Also, thank you for this post. It means a lot.
I think you should contact him and talk...that's what I would do.
I would like to contact my girl who broke up with me, but she doesn't want to hear from me. I hope someday, she and I can be on good terms but for now, I am respecting her wishes and not contact her at all.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Rob