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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
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Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:09pm

I have been involved in a long distance relationship over the past 2 years. But since our last 3 week vacation together in August things have suddenly taken an unexpected turn for the worst.

The thing is, the week he returned to his homeland he started a new job and things were okay then. The strange behaviour started on the following week when he never called me for the entire week. Then he eventually returned my call that Sunday after I left repeated messages. Finally, after a further 3 weeks of me calling most of the time, he finally told me that he was under a great deal of stress from work and he needed to put the relationship on "hold".I asked if I can still call him he said yes.I also asked if he wanted to end the relationship and he said no.

But the thing is since then I haven't been able to speak with him for the past 3 weeks as he has been ignoring my calls by not answering or even returning them.

I do not know what to think of this. Do you all think he just wanted to break up but was afraid to tell me personally?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:52pm
I would leave it be right now. What exactly does put the relationship on hold mean? Either we're together or we're not. Sounds to me like he wants to explore his options and is putting you on hold until he figures out exactly what he wants. If that's ok by you, then by all means, stand around and wait for him to call you and make up his mind what he wants to do. But if not, tell him you will not be put on hold for anyone and you're going on with your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:56pm

What makes it so hard to just forget about him is that he was always the optimistic one about us making it through the time apart. I was always the one to voice my concerns and fears about us withstanding the time apart.

So this sudden change makes it difficult for me to tell him its over. So for the past 9 days of the 3 weeks I have not contacted him.But I think if I don't hear from him by the end of next week I think i will contact him then and confront him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:38am

I am still confused by his behaviour.

Do you all think that after 2 years in a relationship someone would just cut off all connection without a backward glance?

Have anyone of you ever experienced something like this? This hurts deeply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:12pm

Since you said he went back to his home country, I take it this is VERY long distance? That's what my relationship was, too. As for cutting off all connection without a backward glance after two years... if this were a true break-up, I would say it's normal. My ex broke up with me six weeks ago and has not tried to contact me. As for putting things "on hold" because of job-stress... that seems odd to me. My ex was military, so he had a stressful job, but I don't think we were ever out of contact for longer than a week except the time when he prepared to deploy (=highly stressful) and once after we had an argument.

If he wants to break up with you, he should at least be up front about it. He said you could still call him, how exactly does this equal "putting things on hold"? And he also said he didn't want to break up... so, if you're "allowed" to call him, and you guys are not broken up... then what defines the "on hold" part of this deal? Those are questions that I think you need to ask him. It's possible that his new job is highly demanding, and that might be influencing his current priorities in life. But if he cannot see this changing any time soon, then you need to know that. No one wants to be "on hold" indefinitely. I don't think it's too much to ask that he give you a time frame on this. Like, say, a month, to see if the job situation improves (if that is truly the reason for his behavior).

Good luck with this, I hope he has the decency to give you some answers. Even if the truth hurts, it's better than the alternative.

Siren

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 12:34pm

As I previously posted, the last time I spoke to him was 3 weeks ago. Since then he has not answered or returned any of my calls.

Wednesday I left a message telling him how unfair it is to expect me to wait indefinitely. I also told him if he is afraid to break up with me I'd prefer to now as i'd rather break up and be with someone who wants to be with me totally.

He still hasn't responded. Its hard me for to forget him and just move on. How can someone be loving and caring then do something as cruel as this?

Now I wonder if he was pretending these past 2 years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:03pm
Oh, i'm so sorry :( I know how you feel - I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and I keep wondering if I ever really knew him at all. It's a very lonely feeling, isn't it?
*hugs*
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:43pm

I'm sorry you're going through such a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:47pm

So, he just doesn't answer his phone at all? Or does he have caller ID so that he just ignores *your* calls? If you want your answers (and I think after two years, you have a right to at least get an explanation), go to a friends' house whose number he won't recognize, or change the settings in your cell phone so that it doesn't send the number, or maybe there's some other way that I'm not aware of to hide your own phone number. He may be ignoring all anonymous calls or calls from within your area/country code... but maybe not. Call him at a time where he should be available. If voice mail picks up, don't leave a message. You already know that he won't call back. Just try again some other time. And if that doesn't work and you're really desperate for answers, you could consider contacting a mutual friend or a member of his family, if you know them. You might ask them if they've heard from him recently because he hasn't answered your calls in three weeks and you are getting worried. You technically have the right to be worried about his "MIA" status, because officially you are still is girlfriend because you guys never broke up.

I know what it's like when you don't understand the other person's actions or decisions and you're left with a cloud of questions in your head like "What changed?" and "Did he lie to me this whole time?". However, even if you do get hold of him eventually, you may not get all your answers. You may not even *want* to know it all. The truth is good, but too much truth can hurt. The least you do deserve IMO is a clear statement of whether or not he still wants to be with you. The way he is behaving right now is anything but fair.

As for whether he was pretending the past two years... I don't think that anyone could pretend convincingly for such a long time (unless he was fooling himself along with you). If he was loving and caring like you said, then I'm sure he wasn't pretending, at least not in the beginning.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Break-ups are always painful, but when you don't even know what's going on, or whether it even is a break-up, that hurts even more. There should be a law against people who break up by simply pulling a disappearing act.

Siren

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:49pm
Very well said Sandra.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: avamarie2006
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 6:13pm

Sandra

What you said really makes sense in this situation.I must admit, I was guilty of calling him on Wednesday when I was in a pissed off mood. But don't worry, I left a calm message telling him how unfair to keep me on hold indefinitely.

I also asked if he was afraid to tell me he wants to break up I'd appreciate if he tells me as I want someone to want and love me back equally.

Now the challenge is for me to be patient as this is not a strong point of mine. So, even though I tried unsuccessfully to maintain the no contact I will make a point to start from tonight and keep counting the days.

Now being the Xmas season doesn't make it any easier also. I was supposed to fly out and see him for Xmas/New Years too. So its doubly hard to endure this. I must also make an extra effort to start going out more. I am thinking of trying to go on casual dates even though I am not feeling too thrilled about it. I just want to not miss him so much and then try calling him again.

I really hope it doesn't take him months to want to call me...WOw, this is hard!

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