waiting for it to happen...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
waiting for it to happen...
1
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 1:33am
Hi!

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. Ever since we started dating, we've been fighting quite a bit (at least once every two weeks). When we make up, we often bring up the fact that our chemistry isn't right (we aren't compatible), but we will make it work anyways. For example, he comes from a very conservative family, whereas my family is more liberal. I want to leave this city (I'm not from here and I hate it here -- i am only here because of school), but he is from here and loves it. He says he'll move for me one day, but he said he knows he won't like living somewhere else. I have I guess big goals in life. I want the 'American dream'; start my own business, have the house of my dreams, etc. He'd be happy living on the same street he grew up on. In addition, I know this sounds mean, but I sometimes see signs that he will grow into his father, and his father is a complete turn off (I prefer the strong-silent type, and let's just say his dad definetely isn't like that). I love animals, but he doesn't like them. I want to go skydiving but he's afraid of heights. I want to travel, yet he considers visiting another city 'traveling'.

But I love him with all my heart. He's incredibly kind and thoughtful, and he really loves me the way I am. He's been away for one month now, for a course for school. He will return in exactly two weeks. The thing is, I have had a lot of time to think during his absense, and unfortunately, I have realized that we probably aren't meant to be together. Our differences are just too big. I don't think I want to try making it work anymore, because I am convinced that we'll only hold each other back if we stay together. More precisely, I am scared that he will hold me back, and if he doesn't; then I'll be making him do things he doesn't want to do. I am thinking about breaking things off with him when he returns. He phones me often, and when we chat, I pretend that nothing is wrong. I just cannot do this to him while he is away. Another problem is that when he returns, we are supposed to go on a long road trip together; we are supposed to leave 2 days after he gets back. I don't know if I should just go on the trip and then break things off, or if I should do it before leaving; but that wouldn't leave me much time. I know the right thing to do would be to have 'the talk' with him before we go, but it would be so difficult!

In addition, he is my best friend here. I don't have any other close friends since I am not from here. I am terrified at being along post-breakup. I am terrified to hurt him. I am terrified to having to break up with him. We love each other dearly, but I now think that love is not all it takes. Compatibility is also vital: and we don't have that.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Anyone relate? I think hearing objective views would really help me...

Thank you!

'Jewels'

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 3:51am
well first off...no one has an objective opinion. Ever. About anything. How miserble would you be exactly if you went on this trip with him? Would you be able to put aside the differences for two weeks and see it as one last good memory of him or would it all turn sour and just end up being really crappy? If it is the latter then you should break up with him before hand because you'd be doing both of you a disservice. I wouldn't be able to stand it myself, but that is me and right now you should probably do what is best for you. If you think you can fake it or genuinely have a good time for two weeks then go for I guess. Faking it wouldn't be so great because then you'd be deceiving which is never healthy for a relationship. Or you could see it as a great time to wrap things up, have one last nice time together and try to end it out with a nice flourish as nice as a break up can be. It will hurt. It will suck. YOu might be alone but maybe that's what you need. I know it's what I need from time to time. Don't worry about looking like a "loser" because you are by yourself, I mean who cares? Who notices? (You don't know anyone) Or if you think you are ready go find someone to know. Harder than it sounds I know. I should follow my own advice but whatever that's really complicated. Anyway back to you. Pretending right now that everything is OK isn't something I would do. I would just tell him you need some time to be alone and think about stuff (which is true) and if he can't respect that maybe you are even more uncompatiable (Is that a word???) About your concerns with your compatiability, I don't know how extreme the "liberal" and "conservatives" are but if you really think it is a problem then you should stick to your gut instinct. Obviously it is a problem with you guys in some way. If you are fighting every two weeks, which I must say isn't very bad but I don't really know the details and that is unacceptable to you then it is a problem. If you were fighting everyday and not ever making up or willing to discuss what went wrong then it could a big problem and you guys need to figure out your "fighting style" I suppose. Are you similar in how you deal with fights because if so that is a hopeful fact. However you are not your family and they do not make everything that you are and that should be the same for him unless he is a mama's boy (that would a problem). I do realize that families and background greatly influence who you have become but as long as you seem basically compatable now I don't see why it would be a huge problem. Like do you have the same belief system, priorities, goals, dreams, etc etc? Just because your families were/are different doesn't mean you still don't have any common ground whatsoever. The location thing could be a problem. Where are you guys going in this relationship? Do you want to marry this man or do you want to just keep on being as you are? Because location would be really important if you were to marry him or want to live with him. Also, concerns about children dare I mention it. Where do you want your kids to grow up? Would you want to live there all your life? Would you be willing to move? What if you want to travel and you have kids? Just some questions, considering all options. Would you be able to work out a compromise about location? Is a compromise even possible? Is this really what you want because your dream doesn't always turn out to be exactly what you want and when you get it you might not end up even liking it. I think you both are stuck in a point where you don't want to compromise. If you really love this man then you should think about your priorities. Is living location high on that list? Is it more important than everything you have together?

I totally understand your fear of your boyfriend becoming his father or brother or uncle etc. etc. I am not really sure about how many people actually turn into the people we fear they will but it has happened to me and it scared the holy hell out of me. My ex after I dumped him turned into his brother (stoner, dropout, you get the picture) and I realized that's what he would eventually become if I stayed with him long enough. I guess you can never really know. ANd you can't really ask them because they will retort with a loud NO, but it's something one cannot really promise. People change and that's a part of life. DO you know if your boyfriend has changed at all for you? Maybe talk to his closest friends, mom or even him. If he has changed for you then he won't stay that way forever. And maybe undoing the change will turn him into his father. However your complaint sounds more like a personality type. People don't really change personalities, but you never know. People can put on a show for quite a while to make you think they're a certain way when they're really not. The strong part seems like you're afraid he'll become weaker or dare I say fat? It seems like that would really damper your sense of adventure. Fat people don't really want to go on hikes and travel extensively. It's too hard. Just a guess. I'm not calling him fat by any means, just reading into what you said. Or do you feel like you need that strong man physically and emotionally so you have someone to depend on? You should really be able to depend on yourself first, but that's just my point of view (I'm an introvert). Concerning animals...is there a compromise? My parents are a perfect example. MY dad hates animals. Period. No ifs and or buts. My mom loves animals. It doesn't mean they can't love each other or cease to be a married couple, it just means that my dad allows my mom to have a few caged animals around the house. She keeps them out of his way and keeps them clean. It works out pretty good. Now it depends on the animal. If you want a dog or a baby cheeta this could be a problem because they require lots of care, but cats, rats, snakes, mice, fish, I don't see what the problem is unless he has a phobia or a great aversion to them. And who says you can't have fun on your own or with a good friend. Go sky diving anyway! You don't NEED to do EVERYTHING together! Have your own experiences. You can't miss someone if they never go away. Or you could help him conquer his phobia and make it an interesting learning experience for you both. As for traveling you got me there. If you want to go camp out in Mongolia and he wants to go to an amusement park, then there is a problem. Maybe you need to take some time away from each other and you need to experience life on your own where ever that may be. If it's something you really want to do and it's more important than him, then by all means go for it! Sounds fun to me. Don't drag him along though if he really doesn't want to go. Or maybe he never considered it and needs to be prodded along to get a sense of adventure. Who knows. I don't know the guy. You know him best. I'm just passing out suggestions.

Concerning not having any friends: Do you need more friends? Do you want more friends? Are you satisfied with just him? If you're like me and only need a couple people to talk to to survive then don't worry about being alone. Like I said, maybe you need time alone? Or you could call some old buddies and have a chat. It is better to be alone and happy than in company you despise and miserable.

Honey, no matter what if you break up with him you will hurt him. You will. YOu have to. . It's just part of it. It really sucks but it will pass. You won't die over this. If you really are unhappy you should do what will make you happy. If you don't know maybe you should just break it off anyway to figure that out. It's really your call here. I do n't know how happy/sad you are with this person. I don't know everything, but just listen to your gut feeling. If you think something is wrong, there probably is. Trust me. I wish someone had slapped me and said that to me a little less than a year ago. If you need time to think, then think. Even if that does mean cancelling the trip or staying behind. If you want to go on the trip then go. Just keep on thinking. You will figure it out. This is one of those situations where no one really can tell you what to do. You have to figure out what you want and then take it for yours. It's your choice, here there is no right or wrong answer. Life is complicated that is how it goes.

I totally relate to you on all levels pretty much. I'm the birthday girl you responded to. I have an event coming up that I'm kind of dreading not really knowing what to do. I wouldn't say my current boyfriend isn't compatable, but I have been in taht situation wehre a break up was necessary. (different belief systems- mine changed in the middle of it all). Most of my boyfriends families have been completely different than mine, and all of them compared to each other have been completely different from each other. My ex became his brother (not flattering) and now again I am worried my current boyfriend will turn into his brother (equally unflattering). If it really eats you away that much and cannot trust his answer if you ask him then you can't do it. I'm sorry. It won't work. I tried it. Doesn't work. I tried to believe his answer, but it can't. you should really discuss this with him because maybe it's something he or you or both of you did that triggered this worry. If you simply cannot stand not knowing how he will turn out it will just eat you up and you will always wonder if he really is being who he really is. I am serious when I say it will eat you up. It will consume every though, and you will look in every act and speech whether this is a preview or a sign that he will become his father or brother etc etc. At least that's what happened to me. Buy hey in this great world we're all different and that's what makes it great. (sometimes, sort of) Actually I really don't believe that for myself but that's not the point right now. Just keep on thinking. That's the most important thing. Don't think it will go away on it's own. this needs to be dealt with now before it gets bad. Like really really really bad. Just keep on thinking that's the best advice I can give you.