Wake-up call

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wake-up call
6
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 12:14pm

I'm not sure how many of you remember my story... I'm the one who has been "in love" with a guy who has a girlfriend (fiancee) for the past year. I met him while going through my divorce, he led me to believe he was available so as not to scare me away because he's really not all that into her but he asked her to marry him and they've been together 7 years... Anyway, I saw him Wednesday and was looking at him and for the first time realized, he's just not very attractive. I'm the type of girl who turns heads when I walk into the room -- he kinda looks like a grown-up Screech on "Saved by the Bell." He broke up with her a month ago and was with me briefly and during that time he told me a lot about her... Turns out, where I work, we have her license on file because of what she does for a living. I called up the file this morning and...MY GOD. She's SO unattractive. But oddly, they "fit." They both have long, narrow faces and big noses. I started thinking of it from his perspective... here was this guy who's with a girl he loves but isn't really in love with but they're planning to get married whenever he stops putting her off. Then I came along, this flashy blonde, giving him lots of attention, so of course he's momentarily tempted. But when it comes down to it, he belongs with her. Have I just had an epiphany, or am I just trying to convince myself of this because I know it's over anyway? Do you all believe we're sometimes attracted to people just because they're the only choice? Kinda like if you're stranded on a desert island with some ugly dude but he's the only dude around, eventually you'll find him attractive???

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 12:39pm

well i believed you!!! actually some of ladys here in ivillage might had similar story too....right! i mean thats why they say "LOVE IS BLIND"...

WE'RE ALL TOTALLY BLIND TO SEE THE TRUTH....COZ WHAT WE SEE IS ALL THE GOOD THINGS WHEN WERE INLOVE.....BUT IF THAT FEELING FADED....EVERYTHING TURNS THE OTHER WAY AROUND...LIKE MY SISTER SHES BEEN DATING THIS GUY FOR 10YRS..THEY BROKE UP AND AFTER FEW MONTHS THEY MET AGAIN...SHE TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING THAT SHE SAW FROM HIM BEFORE WAS ALL GONE....HE LOOK LIKE THIS UGLY BLAHBLAHBLAH!!!! BUT BEFORE I EVEN REMEMBER SHES TOTALLY BLIND TO SEE THAT..SHE DOESNT SEE WHAT PEOPLE SAYING TO HER THAT HIS UGLY...COZ SHES BLIND!!! ITS FUNNY BUT THATS THE REAL THING!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 12:46pm

Hi Steph.

One of life's mysteries....why are we attracted to certain people?

It is funny, but to me, people (okay, woman - I'm a guy) can get better looking or less attractive to me based on when I get to know them as a person and who they are. Does that make sense?

If I meet someone, I might say wow, she's really plain Jane or whatever....I just don't find her very attractive at all. Then I get to know her better and find out more of who she really is and if I like her morals, values, personality, she's fun, etc. Then she becomes more and more attractive to me - literally. The opposite is also true. I've met woman who, like you said, turn heads when they walk into a room. Yet, talk with them and they become less and less attractive to me.

Like with you (and probably most people), when you heal from a relationship that ended, the blinders come back off (or maybe you learn more about who they really are) and all of the sudden you start thinking, "What the h%ll was I thinking!"

So, I guess to answer your question....no, even if he's the only guy on the planet, I don't think you'd find that person attractive unless there are other things you begin to like about that person. JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:03pm

I'm going to preface this by saying that this is only my opinion...


I think that you know already that there is more to a person than how they look.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:25pm

Maybe I am a little bitter, but I don't think I'm insecure at all. Yes, this man has major commitment issues but here's what I'm grappling with. When I was a teenager, someone told me I always pick unattractive men. When I got to college, similar things were said. I married young, so this is the first time I've been single since I was fairly young, but that sticks with me. When I first met this attached guy, I thought he was so-so, but his personality made him better. I would ask people, is he good-looking? because my past has led me to distrust my judgment. And they'd say, "Well, he has a great personality." We were both working at a place where was, quite simply, the ONLY decent male. (Actually, only one of about five men altogether.) And that was my side job; my day job is all men who are 50+ and married. Since I spent all my time working last year, I really didn't have any other men around to have an interest in. So for a while I flirted, thinking it was harmless, then later started to develop feelings. Over time, I lost ALL perspective on this guy and, honestly, had he not had a girlfriend (that I later found out he's secretly engaged to), I would have fallen head over heels for him and possibly spent the rest of my life with absolutely no regard to how he looks or what other people think.

So now I'm trying to get over him and trying to tell myself he's not this Greek god I made him out to be and seeing his girlfriend really does help. He told me she was plain, not as pretty as me, but I thought maybe she was really cute just not quite as flashy or something. It kinda reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where he was dating that beautiful girl who used to date Newman and after he found that out, he thought of her differently. If she'd been this really gorgeous girl, I probably would have felt insecure and felt like he chose her over me because she's more beautiful. But now I feel like I can move on and I'm not really sure why...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:37pm
Hey, like I said, if it works for you, go with it.
Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
In reply to: stephie5741
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:55pm

Oh, my ex-husband's new girlfriend is drastically different from me. Overweight, buck teeth... I'm the one who ended that relationship, so I know it's not bitterness there. I am happy for him because he loves her and that's great but that, in addition to seeing this other guy's girlfriend's picture, has just caused me to question the men I choose. I minored in psychology in college and in one of the classes I took, we studied how most people are attracted to members of the opposite sex who fall within their same level of attractiveness. (Although I'm not sure anyone told all the 60 year old fat bald men staring at the 18-year-old hotties at the mall that...) And, generally, when you're out in public and you see couples together, they do seem to fit. What stands out are those couples that are mismatched -- the tall, leggy, gorgeous blond with the short, stubby guy or whatever. I know looks aren't everything but haven't you ever noticed how people usually match? And this guy I thought I was in love with is engaged to a girl who looks a heck of a lot like him. I know we ALL know couples who look alike, although that certainly isn't a requirement of attraction, but what strikes me is that this guy and his fiancee could be brother and sister, they look so much alike, and I don't fit at all. It makes me feel better to leave him behind, knowing it probably wouldn't have worked for us anyway. He belongs with her. I don't know how to explain it beyond that, but that's the feeling I'm getting...

Steph