Wanna stand on my own two (left) feet
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:23pm |
Hi Ladies,
I want all the suggestions you may have. I'm sure you'll be able to tell from the tone of my message that above all else, I'm a little confused and afraid.
DH and I will celebrate out 8th anniversary soon. We were married when I was 21. I was PG (we suffered our first miscarriage two weeks after our shotgun wedding) when we married, and because I didn't want to have a child without being married, DH and I decided to marry. Our marriage overall has been fine. No abuse, no infidelity (that I'm aware of - no reason to really suspect anything), just an average OK marriage. He and I (together, that is, my communication skills are fine) have never had excellent communication, but we mutter through. I told him a few months ago that I wanted us to take our relationship to the next level, meaning, get even closer to one another and possibly invite God into our lives through prayer. He told me he wasn't interested in getting closer. He said that he had too many other things going on - work, family problems. I told him those things will always be there and will never cease to cause frustration, but that we should try to put our relationship before those things so that we could be a unified front against all the other things that we come up against in life.
We have two small children.
In all honesty, since the beginning, I've had one foot out the door. I've always had this unfulfilled desire to stand on my own two feet. I want to experience what it's like to pay my own bills, make my own decisions. Decorate my own home. Cut my own grass. Cut my own hair without explaining to anyone why I did it.
We went through this about five years ago the first time. When I told DH how I felt, he told, me 'Fine, bye. Where do you think you're gonna go? Gonna live with your Mother again?' Smart a**, I know. He seemed a little hurt after the argument ended, and it has not come up again. At least, not in converstation. In my mind, I'm always fantasizing. Nope, I don't want a boyfriend or another lover. I don't want a man in my life at all right now.
Now again, I'm feeling the same way. In all honesty, I feel like I've always had a boyfriend and/or SO. I want to be alone! Is it absolutely insane to WANT to be a single mother?
Is it just the old 7-year Itch? Am I just a silly fool? I've been praying for guidance. I just keep getting more and more irritated as the months pass into years.

I understand what you re going through. It is like you have skipped a phase of your life and you want to try how it feels to be in there.
I want to ask you one question though: what do you feel towards your Husband? Do you still love him?
I suggest you investigate the motivation behind this desire. Is it just to feel independent? or are you trying to run away from your husband?
either way you hubby will be hurt. I can recommend one thing though. If you really want to try to be alone just for the sake of trying why not spend the 3 months of the summer alone with the kids ask your husband to rent a place for sometime and not to visit. just to call every now and then and spend time with the kids. Be aware he might misunderstand your motives and take it to another level.
So it is a risky game to play. Do you want it so bad that you are willing to sacrifice your marriage?? Why not you and husband work out your differences and try to make your life more spicy and interesting rather than looking for a lonely life where you will have all the responsibility and the blame if your marriage falls apart.