want to fight for the relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
want to fight for the relationship
5
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 12:19am
I have been dating a guy for 5 months. We met NYE, the same day/night I moved away from my ex-husband (a 10 yr relationship, 5 married yrs). A little background first. For almost a year my ex and I had some problems. I questioned whether to stay or divorce. During that time we were pretty much separated but still living together. When we finally decided to divorce, we continued to live together until I could find a place of my own. So I kind of feel that I was emotionally single for almost a year even though I was still living w/ my ex. So when I moved out on NYE I didn't have any intentions of meeting someone right away. I thought I wanted to date different people and experience the single life. I guess hadn't totally dismissed getting into a relationship, just hadn't given it much thought. Also, w/ meeting this guy, I didn't think I would fall for him so quickly. We both are in certain situations. He is going to school to get his MBA and getting into a relationship wasn't on his agenda. And I just ended a marriage. B/c of his schooling and working a full-time job he has little time to give to a relationship. And w/ me being newly divorced, I thought it would be fine. We both could take things slowly. For the past 4 months it has worked out fine, we talk daily and get together on the weekends. I have been fine w/ that. Even though, during this time I would make comments about wishing we could be together more often but I guess I knew that it was for the best that we try to not rush into anything. But I can't help wanting to be w/ someone who I like. So, this has been an ongoing issue he feels he can't do anything about, at least until he is finished w/ school (in a year). B/c he works full-time and goes to school, the things, e.g., errands/chores he wishes he could do over the weekdays builds up to the weekends. He says his busyness has progressively gotten worse. We live in the same town but are almost 25-30 min away. So it's hard to get together even if it's just for an hour or two. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to either of us. As of this past Fri we were going to get together tonight and tomorrow. Tonight he decided that he was too tired to drive to my place. So we got on the ongoing conversation of not getting to see each other often enough. He has expressed many times before that he feels bad for not being able to give me the time I deserve. But I continue to say that I don't deserve a lot of time b/c I don't want to rush into anything - given both of our circumstances it works. Even though I do wish we could see each other more, I don't know what is for the best. So tonight during our conversation, he decided to break up w/ me. Instead of accepting it I kept trying to fight for him, saying that if two people liked each other enough, even w/ time being an issue, they should try to fight to keep the relationship going. I really like him and don't want to get out in the dating world. Even though, sometimes I wonder if I should since I met him so soon after the divorce. But then I think, why give up something that feels good. I know he likes me too. I have made comments to him about being an added distraction to his main focus of getting his MBA. He would reply saying that he doesn't think of me that way, he can see us being together for a long time. So then this - he wants to break up? I want to try to fight for this. If time is the main reason for breaking up, I want to think that we can get through this to make it work. I just don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 4:27am

humm i personally think that it's better to be the fool that tired then the one who gave up,love makes fools of us all the diffrence is would you regret letting him go without a fight?if the answer is yes then go for it....i think and even if it doesn't work you will know you tried your best.

thats all i can say really.

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anonymous user
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 1:09pm
Thanks for your reply. This is kind of what I'm thinking, but don't want to come off as psycho or needy or whatever. I feel that if two people really like each other they will try to make a relationship work, regardless of the circumstances. I have seen and heard of way too many relationships that end b/c of something that could have been repaired. Along the same lines, I have seen relationships last b/c they fought to make it work. Yeah, if after trying to make the relationship work, it still doesn't, then, as you said, at least I will know I tried.
I guess if I make a fool of myself, that's what I do. But if it's worth it at the end, then who cares. And if it isn't, well, maybe I will learn next time. Ha.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 4:47pm
Still thinking about our "break-up" and I'm hoping that we can work through this. If he wants to break-up only b/c he doesn't feel he can give me the time I deserve, then I want to fight for this. Again, I believe that if two people really like each other, then they need to make an effort to work through things. I can't remember what I originally posted so some of this may be redundant. Just last weekend he took me to a friends wedding out-of-state. He introduced me to all of his friends. He said it is very important to him for me to meet his friends, for me to like them and vice versa, and for me to be a part of his circle of friends, b/c he could see us being together for a long time. He also said that he likes me a lot. Other than me being overwhelemed and intimidated w/ meeting all of his friends all at once, so I was extra quiet, a side of me he hadn't seen, we had a great time. I came home feeling that I had seen a different side of him, or, rather more of what I had already seen but in a different way. It's hard to explain, but I saw how caring he was towards me and how close he is to his friends, etc. I felt that I was really falling for him. How could all of that change w/in a week? If he had been feeling otherwise, I wish he would not have taken me to the wedding and told me those things. If he is wondering if I will, in the future, regret staying w/ him, wondering if there is someone else out there who can give me the time I deserve (b/c he has another year of school left and b/c I am recently divorced and haven't dated anyone else/immediately met him), then I guess that is the chance we will have to take. Who is to say he wouldn't decide there is someone better for him. Or who is to say neither one of us would feel this way and things would be fine. You never know until you try. this is the risk you take w/ dating. You can't go into or continue a relationship thinking that there could be regrets, etc in the future. You just have to go w/ the flow. Whatever the circumstances, me being newly divorced and meeting him right a way, him being extremely busy working full-time and getting his MBA and not feeling that he can give me the time he thinks I deserve, it can still work. It just may take extra effort. Sure some may think that you shouldn't have to work or make an extra effort to keep a relationship going, but that isn't true. All relationships are work. If you like each other enough, it will hopefully work through the tough times, and you can't try to predict what the future will hold.
I guess this is my rationale for fighting to keep this relationship going. Even though it's only been 5 months, I really like this guy and don't want to just give up. Why do I want to lose something that feels right, only to go through the ups and downs of dating? Anyway.....I've rambled long enough....for now....please share your thoughts?
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 3:04am

I'm not sure you're going to like what I have to say, but I'm going to give you my honest opinion of the situation. I can tell you really like this guy and think he's special. However, in both of your posts you raised the issue of being afraid to go out in the dating world, which makes me wonder if you're not holding on to him due to fear. You were married for a long time, and the dating world has changed a lot in the last decade (primarily due to online dating). You're older than you were when you met your husband, you're sort of out of practice. I can understand why dating would seem scary. But it's really not when you get used to it ... and you might even enjoy going out and meeting new men after being with one man for so long. Part of me thinks you want to fight so desperately for this relationship because you're afraid of going through the dating process.

There is also the possibility that you're clinging to this relationship because you haven't completely mourned the loss of your marriage. I know you said you were were separated for a year, but I somehow think that you don't get over a 15-year marriage in just one year. Perhaps that's naive of me ... I don't know because I've never been married. But I would think you could probably use another year to review what happened in your marriage and to mourn your lost hopes, dreams and fantasies of a lifetime with the same man.

Finally, yes, relationships do require work, even good ones. However, good relationships require two willing parties. It sounds to me that he's just not willing to be in the relationship any longer. I work full-time and study part-time. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to study full-time in addition to working full-time, especially in a rigorous program like the MBA. It sounds like he really does have a lot of on his plate right now and the relationship may feel like just one more thing he has to do. It may be when Saturday rolls around that he just wants to come home and veg out and not have to owrry about meeting anyone's needs. It sounds like it was your demands for more time that finally caused him to crack. He probably feels guilty for not giving you as much time as he feels you deserve. But there may also be something else going on. Men often use school/work as an excuse to distance themselves from relationships that they no longer want to be involved with for whatever reason. Sometimes they themselves don't understand the reasons.

The best thing you can do right now, if you're serious about wanting to save the relationship, is be understanding and let him have his space and time away from you. Use that time for yourself, to go out and explore the dating world. Be grateful that you have the opportunity. Who knows, within a few months, or next year when he's done with school, he might start to wonder what's happened to you, and you could have a new start. If you insist on maintaining a relationship that he just doesn't feel interested in maintaining he'll feel pressured and it will end badly ...

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anonymous user
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 11:35am

Wow, that was a great reply, thanks!

Yeah, I will admit, I am a little scared to get out into the dating world, but not so scared that I will hang on to something if it isn't right. I want to think that I am capable of letting go to be on my own. I did that after being in a 10 year relationship, w/o expecting to meet this new guy. So can do it after a 5 month relationship. But, yes, I also do like this guy very much, which is why I'm "hanging on". We didn't officially break-up, more discussed how it's hard to keep this going b/c of his schedule and him wondering if if in the future, I will regret staying and think I should have dated different people. He said he didn't know if there was any way around this.

Yes, I have wondered if I haven't completely mourned the marriage. But I don't think of myself as being the type to "mope" around for days, weeks, months waiting until I feel ready to get out into the dating world. I want to pick myself up and get going. I believe that some people are like that and others are better w/ time. In a sense, I do agree that dating different people to find the right one is good. But I also feel that this guy is pretty great, too, so why do I want to lose this to experience the hurt of dating. Guess that is the risk you take, huh?

Yes, I believe that is his main reason for wondering if we should break up - feeling guilty for not being able to give me the time I deserve. I thought that given both of our circumstances that it worked out best. I didn't think I needed to be w/ someone who I saw regularly, only to get more attached and rush into something. We were on the same page w/ that. Before we met he was already finished w/ one semester of getting his MBA, so, yes, that was his main focus. I have said that I feel like an added distraction to his already main focus. He would reply saying that he didn't look at me that way. So, yeah, since he thought we were on the same page, now me putting the pressure on him to be together more often is, as you said, what could have caused him to crack. It has been a topic of conversation for a while. I don't know why, b/c, as I said, given both of our circumstances, it's for the best. I'm not looking to get married, don't need to rush into anything, just want to enjoy this time w/ someone I really like. Guess it already sounds like I've fallen for him, huh?

I will probably give him his space, assume it is over, (unless we talk and can work something out), and try to move on. I don't want to be that girl who continues to hold on. If it isn't right, if it doesn't work out, I will move on, even though it will be hard. I like so many things about him. Things that I have learned from the 10 year relationship - what I like/dislike. Anyway....I do need to get a hold of him b/c he has an extra set of my house keys. And he did call last night, even though I didn't answer. Anyway....
Thanks for your help.