Want to finally separate and he doesnt understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Want to finally separate and he doesnt understand
9
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 10:10am

I been married almost 11 years and finally have dicided I want out of this marriage... I not longer feel any love for him due to the fact that this marriage for last 4 years or so have been nothing but draining and sucking the life of me. My husband I 've always thought he most be BIPOLAR or something , one minute his sweet and caring the next his so dettach, looks at me like if he hates me, not affection for days to end.. then he says I do the same. We been having problems for years for the same thing. He says I cant live without him and I TRY to l leave him, says im his only family, that my world will change for the bad if I leave on on. I been feeling empty inside for so long, my mind and soul says leave him but then he turns into this angel and then I feel bad leaving him and I end up staying. We both have cheated on each other , if talking to other guys means that. Well yes he has caught me talking with several guys before and I have also caught him talking or texting rather with other girls. The last one was on whatsapp it was very explicit and when I comfronted him , he said the most stupid thing . He told me it was to make me jelous because I DONT pay attention to him. I believed him and stayed once more...honestly I dont feel theres a connection anymore in this marriage, I want out and he just doenst want to understand. For the past 3 weeks we didnt touch each other untill the other day that we had sex and seriously he noticed how dettached I was . I didnt even wanted to kiss him. We live overseas and I already bought my plane ticket to go to US and im seriously thinking this will be a good time to see if I indeed still love him. We have 2 daughters and he says I wont be able to bring the kids with me if we divorced cause the he cant go to the US to see them, that it wont be fair if I take cause he will only see them once a year where as me , I would have them the whole year. I been reading about on the internet on PASSIVE AGRESSIVE man and he fits all the descriptions. I think im getting crazy by all this. I need some advise. I was thinking of marriage counseling but I dont think we can work this out anymore since deep inside I know I dont love him anymore. I just want him to understand its over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 10:38am

I think one reason why he might not be able to accept that it's really over is because you have a pattern of saying that it's over and then giving him multiple chances so he assumes this is like all the other times.  I don't know if you are an American citizen, both are citizens or are married to a foreigner, but before you go back to the US (alone or with the kids?) I think you really need to consult a lawyer.  If you are residents of a foreign country you need to find out what the laws are over there and you might not be able to just take your kids back to the US w/o his permission.  We had a member on the divorce boards where she & her DH were Americans living in Spain with their kids and they basically had to get 2 divorces--one in Spain and then again in the US because they owned property there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 11:31am

Im a US citizent and my kids as well but we also have the citizenship of out country since we allow to have double citizenship. My husband is not but we did get married in the US. I know I wont be able to bring kids back to the US without his permission and this is whats his using to keep me here, I told him that not matter what I will fight to get my girls back with me. I cant take them with me now cause they in school and I have to settle back in the US to be able to bring them with me, but he says the judge here wont let me take them. Well I guess im up for a fight. But you are right I think he thinks this is like any other time I try to split and just gave him another chance.Last year I was in US and trried to leave him as well and talk me over to come back and try and . said if things didnt work then we can divorce. But he isnt making things that easy, he now wants affection and love when I DONT have any to give him anymore. I do care about him but I dont love him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 11:32am

Im a US citizent and my kids as well but we also have the citizenship of out country since we allow to have double citizenship. My husband is not but we did get married in the US. I know I wont be able to bring kids back to the US without his permission and this is whats his using to keep me here, I told him that not matter what I will fight to get my girls back with me. I cant take them with me now cause they in school and I have to settle back in the US to be able to bring them with me, but he says the judge here wont let me take them. Well I guess im up for a fight. But you are right I think he thinks this is like any other time I try to split and just gave him another chance.Last year I was in US and trried to leave him as well and talk me over to come back and try and . said if things didnt work then we can divorce. But he isnt making things that easy, he now wants affection and love when I DONT have any to give him anymore. I do care about him but I dont love him anymore.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 12:13pm

Before you divorce, you should work on becoming literate & articulate.  Then, you should figure out how you are going to get three people out of your country and into this one (passports, money for tickets, transportation, etc), where you are going to live once you get here, and how you are going to support yourself and 2 children.  I don't think you have your priorities straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 2:03pm

I have a job... I work for a US company overseas but I can take my job anywhere.  Im not saying I will take my kids right away, im thinking of getting settle in the US again since I do have family there , I lived there before. So its just a matter of getting a place to live and buying a car and I will have the money for that. Passports we do have them as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think (again) that you should get legal advice before you do anything.  If you leave the country & go back to the US without the children and then maybe in a year or more you try to get custody of them, the court may say no--if they are doing well with their dad why should they be uprooted and made to go live with you?  It will be much harder for you to get custody if you voluntarily leave them with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006

I am in a relationship now that I know I have to end. My boyfriend is verbally abusive to me & my kids. My ex-husband gave me the ultimatum that he doesnt' want my BF around my kids. He is completely justified.

My BF is going to counseling, taking Prozac to help with his anger issues. i know I need to end it, but he is being so sweet, making every effort to keep me. I know it is controlling, but I am liking the effort. My ex-hubby made no effort to be nice to me, touch me, etc.  I am enjoying the "both sides of the coin" - when my kids are here, I am single, but when the BF is here , i am wined &dined.  and I know I am the most important thing to him  - scary and flattering at the same time.  I can't  juggle  both for a long time. i feel like a teenager that needs to "sneak out of the window' to see her boyfriend. I am 45 years old. I can't live the two separate lives. How do I end it with BFwiihtout him going psycho?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

You end it by telling him you have to break things off with him for everyone's best interest, wish him well and say goodbye.  If he tries to contact you, refuse to talk to him, don't let him in if he shows up, don't call, text, email, nothing~NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. If need be, get a restraining order.  He doesn't have the luxury of 'going psycho'. He's a big boy, relationships end and he can either get over it or go to jail; his choice.

You can't have your kids subjected to this kind of abuse. You are liking the effort he's making? He's verbally abusing you and your kids, YOUR KIDS!  I wouldn't stand for that BS for one minute. I don't care how 'sweet' he's being now or how much he wines and dines you; he's doing damage to your children. You're right; your exH is justified in not wanting the kids around this guy. I hope you do cut this guy out of your life before your exH goes to court to get custody of the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 02-21-2014 - 12:52am

Do you feel that being "wined and dined" makes up for him verbally abusing you AND your kids?  If you don't mind the abuse, that's your business.....but you are a mother, and as a mother your main job is to protect your children.  Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.....bruises heal......hurt feelings don't heal.  Have a little pride in yourself and get rid of this guy.  Abusers get worse, not better!  It's very sad that you judge a man by he way he compliments you.......compliments are just words, it's actions that count, and his actions are hurting you and your children.  Stop looking for other people to make you feel worthy......get some pride in yourself, and tell yourself that you're a good person, and a good mother.  And get rid of the abuser. He doesn't HAVE to understand, he just needs to believe you mean it......he needs to go away and not come back.  Maybe tell him in a public place if you're worried he'll go psycho!