Want to leave for me but Stay for my child..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2013
Want to leave for me but Stay for my child..
14
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:01pm

I am married (this yr makes 3 years) with a 3 year old child. I married my husband after dating for about 2 1/2 years. It was a rebound relationship following a recent divorce. At the time we got married I was 9 months pregnant. I had reservations about the relationship that I ignored due to my desire to be married and start a family (I was at the time 35). My husband was a safe option (he had an old highschool crush on me, was a family friend, a good father to his eldest child, hard working, family man). But despite all his redeeming qualities, I wasn't in-love him then, and I'm still not. Now that we have a child together, home and life together, I cringe at the thought of destroying it all because "I'm not happy".  I don't want to hurt my child who is helplessly in love with her  father.  I'm afraid of what divorcing would do to our family dynamic.  I feel selfish and alone. Part of me believes that "I made this bed, so I must sleep in it" but the other part is dying inside and screaming to get out.  There is no abuse, although we are in counseling to work out our communication issues and seem to be working through them. But counseling won't help me fall in love!  The bottom line is I really don't believe I've married my best friend.  We rarely do things together and laugh very seldom. Personality wise we are very different (he is introverted and quiet and  I am extroverted and LOVE to laugh!) Making love is a chore to me so I try to avoid it. We don't even share the same passions, desires, or goals in life outside of raising our daughter.   Realizing that I'm now 2 marriages in and still unhappy, there is no doubt that part of blame is solely mine. I try to make myself happy but cannot seem to do so w/in the confines of my current marriage.  I'm not sure what to do.  Am I being selfish? Should I look to leave  the marriage now or try to deal with it (atleast until my daughter is older.)   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 12:49pm

I agree w/ Happysj on this one.  If your DH doesn't like to travel, can you go w/o him?  If you get divorced you'd be going w/o him anyway--plus you'd have less money.  What kind of adventures appeal to you?  skydiving?  white water rafting?  I am not really an adventurous person so I'm not sure of what you mean.  Have you ever asked him if he'd like to do any of those things?  I really doubt that anyone could have no interests--they might be boring to you but what does he do when he's not working?  Ask him if there is something that he thinks of doing, however crazy & impractical it might be.  I admit that there are some people whose idea of a great life is just having a job to make enough money to be able to have a home & support their family--and that's really all they need.  Someone asked me the other day what was my greatest personal accomplishment and I said raising my kids to be good people who I like being around--I have a career but whatever accomplishments I have in my job are pretty temporary--the family life does give me the long term satisfaction.  I was also the trip planner when I was married (and I've been married twice).  Both my exes liked to travel but I enjoyed reading up on places to go, getting the good hotel and arranging everything.  We also probably never would have done anything on weekends if I didn't look to see what was going on in town.  I think that just happens with a lot of women that the guys leave social activities up to them.  I also just though--does your DH have friends?  What kind of stuff does he like to do when he's with the guys?

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

I think you've got the idea here that it's your husband's "job" to make you happy and to "make" you love him. WRONG!

It's YOUR job to make yourself happy. 

And, love is a choice.

You chose to become pregnant with his child. You chose to marry him. You chose those things. 

Now choose to love your life with him both for yourself and your child. I think it's incredibly selfish to make this marriage all about YOUR happiness. What about your husband's? Have you actually asked him if he is happy and WHY?

I also want you to realize you have something far more valuable in your marriage than white hot sex: friendship. 

Friendship will see you through a lot more than romantic love. Friendship will sustain you and keep the relationship alive. The romantic love we all know and desire ebbs and flows in intensity - we have to feed it like a fire.

At 35 you think your needs are all that matters and that you're ten feet tall and bullet proof and the next decades will be the same. They won't. The next 20 years are going to fly by and you can arrive at 55 with a long and happy marriage and happy child, or you can arrive alone, angry, and disappointed that yet another person or persons couldn't make you happy.

Divorce is a lot of hard work. So is saving your marriage. Put all your energy into saving your marriage. You'll be glad you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2013
Thank you all for your insight. It will be taken in advisement. Of course, I couldn't give a complete account of all the challenges on this board, but I will give 100% toward saving my marriage before I make any decisions...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012

Dreamchaser,

Staying in a marriage for the child(ren) most times breeds more harmful feelings and the kids always know.

Only you can decide if you are in love with your partner. But you did marry him because you wanted a husband and a family. Has that changed?

Good that you are going to get some individual counseling about your past and those issues, a lot of times that does affect your relationships. My childhood was awful, and it has taken years for me to be able to communicate to my partner, who is very patient and loves me unconditionally. We have worked through a lot these many years.

One thing Musiclover said hit home. I am lucky enough to get to take a trip once a year just for me, though I usually go with another friend. No kids, no hubby and my hubby understands my need for "me" time. I am not out looking for another guy or anything like that. I just want to be able to go read, walk, relax without any responsibilities and sometimes I meet other people and we have a great time. I come home rejuvenated and thankful that I get this opportunity. I have tried to get hubby to go off with his buddies or sons, but he only wants to travel with me.

But the fact that we can communicate and understand each others needs makes our marriage a great one. It isn't all sunshine and roses, but it is perfect in my eyes.

I just can't stress how important communication is and trying to not let the past experiences ruin a good thing. And as Wisdom said, friendship will see you through a lot.

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