Want to leave for me but Stay for my child..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2013
Want to leave for me but Stay for my child..
14
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:01pm

I am married (this yr makes 3 years) with a 3 year old child. I married my husband after dating for about 2 1/2 years. It was a rebound relationship following a recent divorce. At the time we got married I was 9 months pregnant. I had reservations about the relationship that I ignored due to my desire to be married and start a family (I was at the time 35). My husband was a safe option (he had an old highschool crush on me, was a family friend, a good father to his eldest child, hard working, family man). But despite all his redeeming qualities, I wasn't in-love him then, and I'm still not. Now that we have a child together, home and life together, I cringe at the thought of destroying it all because "I'm not happy".  I don't want to hurt my child who is helplessly in love with her  father.  I'm afraid of what divorcing would do to our family dynamic.  I feel selfish and alone. Part of me believes that "I made this bed, so I must sleep in it" but the other part is dying inside and screaming to get out.  There is no abuse, although we are in counseling to work out our communication issues and seem to be working through them. But counseling won't help me fall in love!  The bottom line is I really don't believe I've married my best friend.  We rarely do things together and laugh very seldom. Personality wise we are very different (he is introverted and quiet and  I am extroverted and LOVE to laugh!) Making love is a chore to me so I try to avoid it. We don't even share the same passions, desires, or goals in life outside of raising our daughter.   Realizing that I'm now 2 marriages in and still unhappy, there is no doubt that part of blame is solely mine. I try to make myself happy but cannot seem to do so w/in the confines of my current marriage.  I'm not sure what to do.  Am I being selfish? Should I look to leave  the marriage now or try to deal with it (atleast until my daughter is older.)   

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 7:09pm

I suggest reading some of the Single boards here to see if that life sounds better than yours. If your husbandis a good, kind man, perhaps you can find a way to fall in love...to appreciate the man he is.

I agree 100% with individual counseling, but not necessarily the above statement.  There are a lot of unhappy singles on the Singles Board, and sometimes for reasons other than the fact that they are single (i.e. money problem).  It is actually kind of funny because when I was single, I got too much going on to even browse that board.  Now that I am married, sometimes I read those posts for fun.

While you can perhpas learn to love someone, It is impossible to learn to be in love with someone.

The point here is not to put down single people, but to stress that those boards are not a good representation of single people.  Many of my single friends have fun, fulfilling career and personal life, and have established financial security on one salary.

FYI, I am in my early forties, married young, got divorced soon after, and was single for 15 years before I got married again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Do you think you would be happy raising your child as a single mother? What do you need to fulfill you? If it is another person, then I think you should spend a lot of time working on yourself so that you can make yourself happy. How does your marriage confine you that would be different if you were alone? I suggest reading some of the Single boards here to see if that life sounds better than yours. If your husbandis a good, kind man, perhaps you can find a way to fall in love...to appreciate the man he is. The idea of amazing chemistry and soul mates is great, but maybe not always an option. Sometimes finding someone to walk the path of life with can b enough. My advice is to Find out who you are and what you need before disrupting your family - life is long, and some decisions are hard or impossible to reverse...you can decide to leave at any point in the future, but once you do, you might not be able to go back. Just my opinion (and for full disclosure, iam 57 and never married...so really, what do I know..except the grass isn't all green on this side of the fence)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2013
I do plan to begin indiv counseling to address this and some other traumas from my past. I don't doubt there is a connection between my inability to find happiness and my past. Somehow I believe that the damage done by my past is partly to blame for my poor decisionmaking and failed relationships....thanjks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Have you tried individual counseling, to help you recognize what you want from life, rather than just what you don't?

Pages