Want to stay friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Want to stay friends
15
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:46am
My ex and I broke up two weeks ago, because he wanted freedom to "play", which to him means going out to clubs and picking up women. We dated for almost 2.5 years and were best friends for 5 years before that. I'm having a hard time fully letting him go, because that means loosing a friend and a boyfriend at once. I want to stay friends and he says he does too. However, I've been the one initiating our communication in the past 2 weeks and he did not even respond to my text messages for 3 days. Finally sent him a message last night saying that he knows how to find me when he wants to. I saw my life with this man and we talked about getting married. It was long distance, but we were very close. Now, I feel like I don't even know him and don't know what to do. I love him and still in love with him, but I don't know if he really cares about me. I want to wait a few days to see if he even bothers to call or check on me, since he is usually very supportive. I'm afraid that he won't, though, and then I'll be dissapointed again. I am also afraid that he will hook up with his friend from high school and then I'll really be heart broken. He says he does not want to be in a relationship, but what if he starts dating her! I don't understand how he can just put everything we've been through together and not contact me for 3 days. Maybe he is trying not to send me mixed messages and really needs space, but I wish he would verbalize that. I am left making assumptions and feeling like I was dismissed as soon as he did not want a relationship. Its hard to let years of great friendship and love go. I am afraid to loose him completely, but I know that I need to learn to live without him. We are supposed to talk about the possibility of getting back together in 6 months, but I don't even know if he'll want to do then or if I'll want to. Any advice on letting him go, letting him prove that he is a caring man, and moving on with my life, possibly without him? Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:06pm

I think you need to ask yourself why you want to be friends with him. Are you really just hoping he'll see how great you are and realize he made a mistake.

He let you go because he wanted to play. This seems clear enough. Someone who could hurt you this much isn't a very good friend. Also, if he's going to be playing, do you really want to hear about it.

Giving up that last bit of contact is the hardest thing to do. It means not just giving up the person, but the future you had planned and nothing hurts more.

No one can tell you what to do, but my advice is to put some time and distance between you before even considering being his friend.

Hugs
K

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:40pm

It sounds to me like there is still way to much hurt and confusion for you to be "just friends" with him.

My break up was 10 weeks ago and I know that I cannot be just friends with my ex. I'm not sure I will ever be able to be just friends with him. We were friends before we dated, but now that we've dated the friendship might just be gone.

Are you still in contact with him in any way? If you are, you might want to consider doing no contact for awhile. I did it for 4 weeks and it helped immensely. You get to heal, then when you feel like its the right time you can contact him again.

My ex and I are now talking pretty regularly, like you and your ex, my ex and I may get back together one day.

Anyway enough about me.

I'm going to share something with you that someone on these boards told me.

"Moving on with your life doesn't mean that you don't love him, or that you won't get back together one day, it just means you're moving on. You can't wait around for him. Live you life to it's fullest."

Consider that. He broke up with you, he hurt you, you can't spend your life waiting around on someone who would do that to you (sorry if this sounds harsh, but it helped me).

Remember if you and him are meant to be together you will be.

I'm here for you.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:48pm

Amber,
Thank you for the reply, it helps to hear from somebody who recently went through it. I think will do no contact with him at least until he contacts me. Maybe someday I'll find out how he dealt with it, maybe I won't. How did you and your ex start talking again? Who initiated it?

Thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:52pm
To answer your questions, we talked last week. I called him last Thursday and he called me on Sat. I tried to send him text messages, but he only responded once in 3 days. He is coming back from vacation with his family. I think you are right, I should give it some non-communication time, even though we sometimes chat online. Hard to do when you care about a person so much and just want them to the the "normal" person that you know and love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:58pm

I initiated the contact again, and he was very happy that I had, he said he hadn't called me because he thought I hated him and that I never wanted to talk to him again.

Since then he has called me and I've called him, but I am trying to give him his space so I'm not calling him anymore, I'm gonna let him call me.

Maybe that's what your ex needs, space. So give it to him.

It is a good thing that you aren't going to contact him. let him contact you when he is ready. Also it kinda lets him wonder what you are doing.

Men in general, I believe, don't like to be chased, they like to chase the girl.

Anything else you have questions about?

I'd be happy to help in any way I can

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:04pm

Amber, thanks again! My ex did need space, he actually told me he is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts (he is almost 29). I also read your "story" on the board, sounds like your ex and you are on the good track! Do what feels right!

Take care,

Madina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 5:19pm

I am definitely doing what I feel is right. I've always been someone who follows my heart, not my head. Trust me that can get someone into some trouble.

I just know that if my ex never wants me back, it's his loss. I'm one hell of a catch! LOL.

Whatever is supposed to happen will, remember that.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 7:06pm

hey Medina

What's up with the mid life crisis at 29? My ex & I broke up 2 months ago & afterwards I overheard him saying he was going through a "pre mid-life crisis". You know what I say.. give me a break! Good luck to you sweetie & although it hurts just know that after you two get some time apart, it'll only help & you'll see if you two really want to pursue your relationship.... Heck, after two months I wouldn't take him back if he came crying on his knees with a big ol' rock & promised me the world. I believe the right men wouldn't let us down like our ex's did & they most certainly wouldn't have pre mid-life crisis at 29.....

The no contact thing works well for most since it might make things a little easier....
I contacted my ex on a few occasions especially when my emotional rollercoaster was at the peak of angry but now that it's passed, I just let go. He'll live his life & see if the grass is greener I suppose & since I did love him, I just want him to be happy as I do too. We cannot let love lost keep us down & feeling bad. This board is great & people are very supprotive. Have fun & take chances, we only live once!

Regina

Stay strong for you & know that it's ok to let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:39pm

Hey there

Well, just thought I'd share my 2 cents on this one.

I've had the friends thing work out (after a 3 year live-in relationship!) and I've had it crash and burn. What the difference I think was was that in the one that worked, we genuinely liked each other, but both agreed that we were not meant to spend a lifetime together. It was the 'best' breakup I've ever had - after 3 years together - and we still keep in touch even though he's now married to someone else, and we've both moved on. He put it really well once - said that we were both great people, but we didn't bring out the best in each other. No hard feelings - we gave it the old college try - but nothing.

The one that didn't work (well, none of the other ones worked, but this one is fairly recent) I was deeply in love with someone who wasn't able to give me what I wanted. We broke up (let's be honest - I got dumped) but he wanted to stay friends and I said okay, because imagining my life without him in it was so awful I couldn't face it. Well, looong story short, I spent 18 months mooning over this guy - unable to eat or sleep - living for seeing him and crying myself to sleep because he hadn't 'realized' how great i was and didn't love me again. It was like I signed up for getting dumped. Every. Fricking. Week. I can't even tell you how awful it was. Honestly - beyond words.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the 'friends after' thing CAN work, but it's so rare and the circumstances of the break-up have to be just right, and the fact that that particular ex of mine and I really weren't 'in-love' anymore, but just liked each other made it possible. I think that's one-in-a-million because there's usually one person in a break-up that didn't want it to happen and that person can't just erase their feelings for the other person overnight. There has to be a period of no contact for healing and moving on before that can happen.

I don't know if this makes sense to you - I'm tired and rambling (again), but I would also suggest you ask youself if his behavior is something you would accept from another non-ex-boyfriend friend. Would you be cool with it if a friend you'd had for 8 years, and who must have known you were hurting, didn't return a text for 3 days? Would you be cool with it if your non-ex-boyfriend friend said that they needed a break from you and needed 6 months before they would discuss the possibility of being close to you again? I sure hope not.

I really really really feel for what you're going through though. I have so so so been there and it so so so sucks. (as an aside, the thing that got me over string-me-along-boy was him moving to Australia which is a pretty big indicator he doesn't want to build a life with me - what a slap in the face that I needed so badly) So because I understand so completely what you're feeling, I say this with only the deepest love and compassion: he might say he wants to stay friends - say you matter to him and he misses you, but the cold hard truth is that he's a really bad friend to you right now. And you need all the great friends you can handle. No stinkers.

He sounds like a stinker to me.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:22am

Hi and thank you! I talked to him yesterday and realized that he thinks he still "has me" on the backburner. Well, forget that! He didn't think I could go without contacting him for over a week, and I am dead set on proving him wrong. I realized that I'm letting myself be hurt by him every time I think that I need him. He is turning into a person I can't respect, and I will not let him turn me into a person that I no longer will be able to respect. So, I finally saw it clearly that I can't control his life choices, but I surely can control mine. And my choice right now is to prove to myself that I can live without chasing him again!

Best of luck to you.

Madina

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