want to stop wishing to get back together

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2013
want to stop wishing to get back together
Wed, 08-21-2013 - 7:25pm

We were together for about 3 years. He is from New Zealand and i am from the Caribbean. I moved to NZ to be with him. we lived together for 1 year in NZ then he kicks me out and dumps me. leaves me on the street in New Zealand with nowhere to go. We both made mistakes, but I know our mistakes were because we were both afriad of what was happening and didnt know how to cope. He said so many hurtful things to me, and made it all into my fault. 

I blame myself for so many things, because i know i could have done things differently. I just want him back right now.

I have left New Zealand and am now living with my sister and her family in Canada for 1 month (after this i dont know where to go in the world, i cannot go back to my home country, i will need to find a job somewhere). I had to leave New Zealand because I could not survive in NZ on my own with not enough money and no friends. I feel so lonely, and i want to get back together with him because i know that we can work through it if we tried. But he clearly doesnt. He has cut me off like a cancer tumor. Just removed every piece of me from his life, deleted me, blocked me and locked me off. All his freinds have nothing to do with me and i feel as though I am a total reject.

How do i stop wanting to be with him again? How do i forget about working it out? How do i convince myself that he is not the one for me? How do i just forget him? 

Everyday i dream that he will feel regret dumping me and come back one day. Everyday i feel as though he will come around. But my rational thought tells me that i know him well enough to know that once he makes his mind up he never regrets. Even if he thinks he could have made a wrong choice, he will never return back to that mistake. He always sticks to his decisions and lives the outcomes. This is his nature.

My brain knows that i have nothing to go back to with him. My heart cannot accept this. We were suppsed to get married. I just want a do over.

Please help me to move past this and start afresh. It has been 2 months since i was kicked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 11:33am

Well you know it hasn't really been that long since you broke up so it's not that strange that you still have thoughts of wishing things were different.  I think it's good that the rational part of your brain knows that it's useless and you aren't going to get back together--some people would be actually plotting things to try to get back, sending him messages, etc.  Maybe it's lucky that you live so far away from each other so you can't really go back.  I think that if you expend effort into figuring out what you are going to do know, like getting a job, where are you going to live etc., then that will take up more of your mental energy & you'll start forgetting about him.  And remind yourself that he was not nice to you in the end--even if you were going to break up, you moved a very long distance to be with him and he should not have just dumped you out with no place to go after living together for a year.  so why would you want to be with a man who was so uncaring about what happened to you?

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 8:58pm

You write: "I want to get back together with him because i know that we can work through it if we tried. But he clearly doesnt."

He used and took advantage of you. He's shown who he really is by his actions. He's a jerk. What more proof do you need?

Are you of the mindset that if you "just had one more chance" he'd "see" how wrong he was and that you're really "the one?" Disabuse yourself of that notion: he all ready has. 

Get busy and decide where you want to live and get a job hunt underway. Don't waste any more time pining after this guy who clearly wasn't interested in you or your well-being.

And for future reference: never lose yourself in a relationship so completely that you fail to take care of yourself, i.e. job, friends, community. To isolate yourself so completey is not a healthy relationship.

Good luck.