wanting him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
wanting him back?
3
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:42am
my fiance broke up with me just over a month ago. he was really nasty and angry when he broke it off, like he had all this pent up resentment - he made some comments about my lack of commitment, that we didn't see much of each other (that was also because he had 2 kids full-time), but he wanted me to move in and i guess i was waiting until we could get our own place together later this year rather than move into his tiny flat (with the kids). he said we weren't moving forward and the relationship wasn't 'uplifting' him anymore. he also said he has lots of demons (from his past) he doesn't want to face, and he couldn't cope with being pulled emotionally by his kids and me, or just juggling the whole thing. it devestated me, but when he calmed down enough to talk a couple of days later, i was feeling like maybe it was for the best. well, i've been beside myself wanting him back now. we work at the same place, which is HORRIBLE, because i just keep seeing him. i spoke to him a week after the break about getting back but he was firm and stubborn that it was the right thing to do. but i don't know if i believe him. i think he still loves me. funny, most girls are dying for a guy to make a commitment, whereas mine was too pro-commitment! i think he broke-up with me because he upset with me and insecure, cos i am independent and maybe was a bit commitment shy (though i said 'yes' to marriage, and moving in later this year). i will be leaving my work in 3 weeks; after that i may never see him again. we're not talking now because i find it too hard to be 'friends', so we are civil but i pretty much ignore him, which i think he is finding hard. what should i do? should i tell him how i feel before i leave? should i try to convince him i will change and work on things? i know everyone says to give guys space and they'll come back if they want to, but i'm not sure he would, i doubt he would initiate contact with me because he's not very confident, and would want reassurance that i'm there for him. i know i should run (he has issues), but i love him and feel this huge empty hole. plus i think a lot of it was my fault,(though he didn't communicate his concerns, and didn't give me a second chance). i am having trouble letting go and want him back, but not sure how to go about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:16am

Curlylocks I dont have advice for u but when i read your post I have a familiar situation. My boyfriend and I of 8 months broke up recently. I am also very independent and committment phobic. My boyfriend had asked me to marry him recently and I said yes however when he would press me for details or talked about kids I would change the subject. He always told me I was the guy in the relationship , we definitely had role reversal. It was so hard I said some things one night that were bery hurtful and he was already insecure and so that leads up to now. He will not give me a second chance or accept my apology. we saw each other the other night and he was so hatelful to me. thats wehn I knew things had changed. He told me he was locking his heart in a box and would. not allow me to hurt him anymore and that he couldnt see me again.
It hurt like hell becasue I still love him but he has a lot of things going on in his life and he said the things I said was the last straw for him.

I took him for granted and still love him but if I truly am not ready for committment and I thought I was but now I really dont think so that I will continue only to keep hurting him and I love him to much too do that.

In conclusion I hurt now and he does too but I know deep down it was for the best. I feel that if he was truly the one, I wouldnt second guess.

Thanks for listening and good luck to both of us!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:11am

Hi There

I am new to this and can really relate to your story... I was just DUMPED... I was in a 7 year relationship and its over and Im completely devastated... I try not to be sad.. But its so hard. I wrapped my world around him... Everything I planned on doing in the future is over. We fought alot! He called me names and said :your just like so and so... (who arent respectable women at all) He called me Bit#$ and a Cu%#. He told me I was Fu#@ed up because of the way I grew up (My Mom died when I was 14) He always walked away, hung up the phone, wouldnt talk to me for days even a week or 2 at a time. He blamed all the problems on me. Could they all be me...? I know I have some issues to work out... But I am working on them and I seem to have changed a lot over the years. I found out 6 days after he dumped me - he had told another woman--- 10 years younger than him that he wanted to pursue a personal relationship... Only 6 days! I found the email... and I was crushed. Do you know he never said I'm sorry that I found it... He smirked!!! He must have knowm how much it hurt... But never said anything about it. This is so hard. Our kids got along really well and we spent years going on vacations and I work for him on top of it. I helped build his business. How can he just throw 7 years away and not even feel bad about it? When I see him.... He is whistling dixie and I am crying and dying inside. Its been 3 weeks and I am a tiny bit better- But not much... I hate feeling sad... I am lonely and dont want to feel this way any longer. I read all this stuff online... I dont think of him for an hour or two - But then it all comes back. Can anyone relate to this and promise it'll be better someday? I would love to meet some new friends so we can share our emotions. Even though your strangers... Maybe we could help each other out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:23am

I just got out of an 8 yr relationship last summer - I think I felt some of the same ways you do now. I felt like he was my world and I would've done anything for him.

It sounds to me though like this guy has been emotionally abusive to you over the years and even though it doesn't seem like it now - you will be better off.

It's going to take a long time and you're going to go thru TONS of different emotions.

Even though the actual relationship ended last summer - I've still be back/forth with getting back together. He made me feel like if I moved on with my life I was showing him I didn't love him - in return - he got 20 girls numbers, hooked up with like 8, and slept with another - - - while I waited and hoped he'd come back.

I'm going through the same emotions you are right now - it's like the end of the relationship all over again.

It sucks and it's hard and I promise you'll become a stronger person as a result of it.

What makes it harder is them acting like they don't care - like you were nothing and you're easy to get over.

My guy friends tell me - it's just how guys handle it and whether that's BS or not - I guess it's something I want to believe at this point.

If you feel like chatting - I'm here.