wanting him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
wanting him back
18
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 12:29pm

Hi,

my bf broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He's asking for his stuff back, including gifts to me. I really didn't want this break up. i'm hurt and heartbroken,we were together over a year and a half. We broke up in the past, and got back together, but he never asked for his stuff before.  I'm suppose to give it back today, but i'm holding back to a ring he gave me in hopes that we can have contact with me again, i feel if i don't there will be no more reason for him to contact me, it will feel like this is really over, but at the same time i don't want him to be annoyed at m.. I'm confused. Should i give him everything he asked back or should i hold on to this ring? I want him back and i really don't know where to turn. Please help. thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 12:44pm

It sounds to me like you were "transition woman" since he was married when you started dating him (and possibly he still is if the divorce isnt' final yet?).  I realize that to you this was a love relationship, but to him (despite what he may have said to you and how he may have acted while you two were dating) this relationship may have been just a way to help him feel better while his marriage was ending.  He may have even wanted an "excuse" to divorce his wife.

Now that he's free and single, he may not want to be tied down to one woman.  He may have realized with all the "stress" he's been going through that the last thing he needs right now is a relationship.  He may want to enjoy his freedom, or he may just want to be able to decide what he wants to do next without being obligated to someone who depends on him emotionally and who is expectting to see him regularly.

I recommend you continue on your original course of action, which was to realize this relationship is over and to work on moving past it.  The hurt isn't going to instantly go away...it just doesn't work like that.  But I can guarantee that checking his Facebook, looking at pictures and souvenirs of your relationship, or sitting home alone feeling heartbroken and miserable will just prolong the pain.  Your best bet is to conduct your life as though he doesn't exist.  The thoughts and feelings will pop up, but try to act as though they are temporary...which, in fact, they are unless you deliberately prolong them.

And I'd recommend for next time that you don't choose a man who is still married, no matter what he tells you is going on with his marriage.  I've been in a similar situation and I told the man that I would love to date him...AFTER the papers were filed.  Just simple self-preservation there.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 11:57am

You may not be contacting him but by clinging onto the hope that he will come back to you when he's made it pretty clear that he is moving on is still a method of clinging onto him. It's understandable that you still want him back - our emotions can't be turned off like a light switch. But it's unrealistic to think he will change his mind and you'll get back together. You need to be telling yourself "I want him back but I know that's not going to happen so I need to focus on moving on". Otherwise, like Musiclover says, you're only prolonging the process of getting over him and therefore prolonging your hurt and pain. I am only saying these things because I don't wish you to hurt longer than necessary.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 11:23am

luizinha wrote:
I understand..but the whole point of this post is about me not wanting this, wanting him back. I'm not clinging to him. I'm not talking to him, messaging, texting calling. There's no contact from me at all. I feel that this break up happened, due to stress on his part...him going through a hell of a divorce...

...Everything thing prior to the break up was great, we were happy. I was there for him, I helped him with all the divorce paperwork...he even gave me promisse ring just two weeks before the break up happened, therefore when it happened i was in shock and did not see it coming. I'm giving him space, giving him what he wants,,,I'm just hopping that as times passes, and now that he's back to work, he can see things more clearly, feel better about his life and maybe rethink this whole thing and change his mind...

Wait.... he's married? And not to you?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 11:05am

luizinha wrote:
As my goal is to get him back...I did what he wanted me to do, give his stuff and gifts back. I di that on Monday, and when i did i sent him a text saying that it was done, and for him to take care...I'm getting frustrated, because he has not replied or said anything back. He's quiet. The other thing that's confusing me is that I noticed he changed his facebook profile pic, for the first time ever since i have known him, and i was surprised when the picture that he put up, was a picture that i took of him, when we went to Niagara Falls. We were so happy at the time,and and it was by far one of the best days we ever spent together. I'm confused, i don't understand what's going on in his mind, i don't understand what's happening, why did he do that?

Because he liked the picture of himself.  Him liking that picture of himself is non sequitur to you taking the picture or it being one of the best days you two spent together.

Stop reading more into it than it is.

And stop reading his Facebook page. That's only punishing yourself and it's going to bring you a load of hurt that you don't need right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 7:31pm

I think that the more you wait around hoping that he'll come back, that you are just prolonging getting over him. You should start thinking of this as a final break up andstart doing whatever you can to get over him--that in itself takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:45pm

I'm sorry, Luizinha, but it's very likely he now realizes that he's free, and can graze his way through meadows of women.  UKgirl is right: Let it go, and concentrate on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 1:04pm
I understand..but the whole point of this post is about me not wanting this, wanting him back. I'm not clinging to him. I'm not talking to him, messaging, texting calling. There's no contact from me at all. I feel that this break up happened, due to stress on his part...him going through a hell of a divorce, him not working, not seeing his children for over a year, and also the Christmas holidays when people can get extra emotional. Those were all the things he was going thru when we broke up. Everything thing prior to the break up was great, we were happy. I was there for him, I helped him with all the divorce paperwork...he even gave me promisse ring just two weeks before the break up happened, therefore when it happened i was in shock and did not see it coming. I'm giving him space, giving him what he wants,,,I'm just hopping that as times passes, and now that he's back to work, he can see things more clearly, feel better about his life and maybe rethink this whole thing and change his mind...
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 8:58am

I thought that you gave him his gifts back because you realized the finality of the break up and you felt this was the best way to move on. But if you gave him his gifts back because you thought it would make HIM realize the finality of the break up, regret it, and come running back to you, then you did this for the wrong reasons. You say you want him to realize that you are not as weak and needy as he thinks you are - I'm sorry to say this but as long as you are clinging to a relationship which is over, you ARE as needy as he thinks you are. If you were not, you would not be trying to get him back and overanalyzing his every little move (like changing his FB profile pic) and reading too much into them. You'd be telling yourself "This hurts but I have to move on." And you'd do you best not to torture yourself by checking up on my his FB profile. Unfriend him, delete his number, cut all contact... that is the fastest way to move on, in my opinion. Without the constant reminder of him in your life, you can start building a new life, a new routine, without him in it. I know that's not what you want but it's what you have to accept.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 7:52pm
He broke up with you and you told him this was it, so why would he reply? He wanted it over and it is. As for the photo, you are reading too much into it -- he probably just thinks he looks good in it. You need to start focusing on yourself and what you want out of life and move on from this guy. Tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 12:54pm
As my goal is to get him back...I did what he wanted me to do, give his stuff and gifts back. I di that on Monday, and when i did i sent him a text saying that it was done, and for him to take care...I'm getting frustrated, because he has not replied or said anything back. He's quiet. The other thing that's confusing me is that I noticed he changed his facebook profile pic, for the first time ever since i have known him, and i was surprised when the picture that he put up, was a picture that i took of him, when we went to Niagara Falls. We were so happy at the time,and and it was by far one of the best days we ever spent together. I'm confused, i don't understand what's going on in his mind, i don't understand what's happening, why did he do that?

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