Warning... Net dating can go too well

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Warning... Net dating can go too well
24
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:26pm
I never dreamed that it would have happened this way... now I need help! I broke off a dating scenario but he wants to "wait forever for me". He sends cards, even writes emails to my mother for Heaven's sake! Constantly proclaiming his unconditional and never ending devotion to me. I'm ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE! If I were to tell him that, I feel like I would be delivering the final blow.

How can I tell the world's most sensitive and an incredibly sweet sweet man that he cannot wait for me and that I cannot see him in that capacity again, without KILLING him by the reality that another man will share my life, always.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:07pm
Oh please....face up to reality.

You like the attention...you like being the "queen bee".

You're keeping him on the hook in the event that the guy that you're engaged to - that you're not being honest with or emotionally faithful to - stops meeting your needs, or doesn't start meeting them.

What is "kind" about not telling this guy the truth? That you're engaged, that he needs to move on and find someone else. There's nothing kind or in his best interests about what you're doing. It's in your best interests and gives you an ego boost.

And face facts.......he's not all that "thrilled and in love with and devoted to YOU" (as an individual). He's in love with who he think syou are, because he's put you on a pedestal because he wants someone to serve and be with so that he has an identity.

I fyou got with this guy - you'd find out he's either a huge control freak or a total dishrag....extremism doesn't just run in one venue.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:09pm
Being honest with him is MUCH kinder than allowing him to believe that he has hope. Tell him you're engaged.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:22pm
hmmmm... sounds like someone out there has been on the other end of this stick eh? This shouldn't be a venue for attacks - you know nothing, and certainly not enough to even attempt an analysis of what you clearly do not know as fact and simple truth.

I don't need to be a "queen bee"... i admit, I have never been 'dumped' before, likely I never will, but that doesn't mean I need to send this gent off thinking he'll never find anyone else regardless of the place he puts me in his heart and mind.

Last thing I require is attention - I get plenty and I don't have the required self-loathing to extract more and more at the expense of other's psychi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:24pm
YOu're missing the point. IF you admire and respect him as an individual - you wouldn't want him sitting around in a sea of "false hope".

You can't force him to emotionally move on...but giving him the facts as they are shows him your commitment to your reality (your engagement/marriage/partner), your honesty, and your respect for him as an individual. It speaks volumes about your character.

Just as what you're doing now does, as well.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:30pm
I ALREADY ended it.. I am not giving him ANY hopes, false or otherwise - I haven't even spoken to him - thus my coming to this forum to seek advise to try and do so in a manner that will not leave him feeling less than a man because I have chosen another.

SO ultimately, you may be the one not "getting the point"... I am not leading him anywhere, he simply doesn't want to let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:38pm
Do you refuse his calls - are his emails returned unread, is his mail "returned to sender"?

I'm just not sure how you know that he's holding a torch for you - if you're having 'no contact" with this guy whatsoever. If he's sending things - send 'em back. IF he's emailing - block him. Call ID - block him.

And the biggie...have you met in public with him and said "I am engaged, your behavior is inappropriate and if you don't stop it the next order of business is law enforcement intervention."


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:20pm
my initial posting clearly stated that he has been emailing my mother. I just found this out today and thus... my actions here and so forth
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:30pm
oh... also, i got home last night and found a lengthy "i am so deeply in love with you" letter which clearly defined his own expressions regarding holding a so-called "torch". I am attempting to deal with this promptly, this has not been a situation where I reply and am vague... it is recent and becoming increasingly more challenging. Frankly, I'm trying to find the value in telling him that there is another man vs. simply telling him that I am not available to him. Would it be your opinion that this would be THAT necessary? Is there not another method of informing someone that time and circumstance has caused our paths to go in opposite directions vs. throwing (and by human nature that is typically what its viewed as) another man in his perverbial face? I find that it may be more internally damaging for his personality, almost as though he was not man enough. ARe you following what I am at least trying to convey is the concern here?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:33pm
Again, the kindest thing you can do for him is to tell him the TRUTH. You don't have to say it in a "ha, ha, in your face" manner (not that you would!)...just a straightforward statement of the truth.

He will understand much better WHY you are not available if you tell him the truth than if you give him platitudes about opposite direction, etc.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:01pm
I agree.. tell him the whole truth. He may not give up if he thinks you are just not available right now. If he knows you are with someone else and it is serious it might be what he needs to come to grips with the fact that you guys will never be together. Otherwise he might continue to hold on even if you guys dont talk anymore and thats not fair. He will be hurt but at least he will have some kind of closure and reason to move on if he knows the truth. Its only fair. How does you current BF feel about this? Does he know? Good luck.

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