Warning... Net dating can go too well

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Warning... Net dating can go too well
24
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:26pm
I never dreamed that it would have happened this way... now I need help! I broke off a dating scenario but he wants to "wait forever for me". He sends cards, even writes emails to my mother for Heaven's sake! Constantly proclaiming his unconditional and never ending devotion to me. I'm ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE! If I were to tell him that, I feel like I would be delivering the final blow.

How can I tell the world's most sensitive and an incredibly sweet sweet man that he cannot wait for me and that I cannot see him in that capacity again, without KILLING him by the reality that another man will share my life, always.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:06pm
my current knows everything, he also realizes that my being a psych major is why I'm being so delicate about it. But I'm on this forum to seek peer advise vs. utilizing text talk. I don't mean to sound vain, really.. but i am being honest when i say that i have never experienced "rejection" of any form and its I'm not used to this scenario at all. He is like a child in some ways and I just don't want to see him take it as a shot to his manhood.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 4:34pm
Good I am glad to hear that your current BF knows and hopefully understands your position here. But as a person who has felt "rejection" the best thing is the truth. He probably will not take it very well but he will get over it eventually. We all do in time. I fear that if you only tell him half of the truth that he might not let go thinking he will wait for you to come around, and you might have this problem down the road again. But you know arent going to come around and he might need the harsh reality of why--becuase you are engaged and in love with someone else. Put an end to it now. It sounds cruel but in the end he will be able to move on knowing why it didnt work out and that might make it a little easier. I understand your worry about hurting him but he seems very very into you and I dont think that a simple "i am not available to you" is going to do it. Ya know what I mean? I hope this helps. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 6:02pm
I've got that you "think" you're being kind...but in reality you're not.

If you had cancer and 6 months to live....would you rather be told that upfront so that you lived the rest of your life to the fullest extent possible by your definition?

Or would you rather not be told because so many people don't want you in fear and agony about the inevitable and so everybody tiptoes around you, caters to you to some extent, avoids you at every juncture because of this deception....and then one day you suddenly fall terribly ill and the next day you're paralyzed and within 24 hours you're to die.

You'd sit there and go "why didn't someone just tell me that I only had 6 months, I'd have..........(list your preferences) rather than sit around, trying to figure out why everybody was being so nice, being so uninformed about the reality and thus not able to make realistic choices and decisions."

That is precisely what you're doing to him. It doesn't sound as if you two dated a very long time. So if that is the case,do realize that he's not "so in love with YOU" as an individual. He's in lvoe with the high of infatuation - he likes seeing himself thru the desire you once had for him, he likes the potential of the future with all those positive feelings about himself as a result of you in his life. That's why he can't "let go".

He's NOT emotionally balanced, mature, and self-aware.....he's dysfunctionally reasoning. It has nothing to do with your irresistability - and everything to do with his insecurities and lack of self-responsibility.

So if you truly want to be kind...it's not having your mother take his calls, taking his letters and throwing them in the trash that proclaim his love....it's allowing him the "facts" as they are....so that he can make whatever decisions and choices within the reality as it is - to move on with his life.

You're going - why won't he move on? Well, you're stringing him along - he doesn't know you're engaged, he doesn't know that his clingy, insecurities were what turned you off, he doesn't know anything other than at one time you considered him the greatest guy on earth, and that you made him feel great about himself. THAT is what he wants back...and he can get that with osmeone else if you'll "tell him the facts". But he can't get that thru you ever...and he can't get it thru someone else thinking "atsome point she's going to turn around and figure out what a great catch she left behind and I want to be here so that I like myself again - when she likes me again."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:47am
Erin, thank you for your efforts but you are so very far off base here. Just goes to show you that there are just some things one can't help with when one has absolutely no clue of the real facts. Your assesment may be "typical" for many, but in no way comes even remotely close to this scenario. I appreciate your attention to the thread but I think we'll chalk this one up to "I tried" and I will do whats best for the situation as I know it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:28am
If you're still reading this pervasive approach might help in considering "what to do".

Whatever you do regarding this situation - it is going to be dictated by your values and standards and goals. If you're trying to assess what is "best for him" by HIS standards and goals - then you'd break up with your fiance and become this guy's wife!

So, your actions have to be what you can live with as having "done the right thing" - so that you don't damage your self-respect. Your values justify your actions.

What you might reveiew since you are considering "what is best for himi" - knowing that you can't give him what he really wants is - is that in reality, you KNOW alot more of the facts that he does.

He apparently doesn't know that you're engaged. He apprently doesn't know that there is no way even if you weren't engaged that you wouldn't reunite with him. So, like an adult/child scenario - you KNOW alot more than him in terms of facts and reality.

If you are going to approach situations from that position of inequality - and it seems that you are.....assess what you'd like to have "done" if you were in the lesser informed position - rather than the more informed one.

If you do what it is you'd want done "to you" in a situation where you knew less than the other person involved - you won't negatively berate yourself no matter his response. Your values will have justified your actions, and you will have taken into consideration to the best of your ability "his" position in the situation at hand.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:20pm
How on earth would disengaging and becoming his wife be in his best interest even based on HIS standards given that I do not love him to the extent that it is necessary to facilitate a life long union? Whereas I recognize your reasoning, it simply does not fit this scenario.

He and I were not together when I decided to get married, it is not important that this information be shared as it is not an element which precipitated or relates to the reasons why I moved on from him. I do not treat others as I would choose to be treated, that's an outdated rule... try the platinum rule instead - do unto others as they would have be done to themselves and why? Because believe it or not, its just not all about "me" and when I walk away, who cares if I've treated YOU the way I want to be treated because its not ME that feels the effects of my actions towards YOU.

I have already chosen my path and have approached him with the appropriate means and it has, thus far, been taken very well. Only time will tell and only time will heal. His love for me was/is truly genuine and intensly pure. I am certain he will likely not even date for quite a time however, that is his choice, his way of healing and becoming internally healthy enough to be genuine with the next person he may meet. He is indeed a magnificant person and will make the RIGHT person thee most wonderful husband. Obviously I still care enough about him to give him the dignity he deserves because frankly, he did nothing wrong to me, he simply wasn't "it" in whatever terms each of us have that gauge whatever "it" is. In my fiance', I could be no happier. I don't think that it is necessary to explain the cold hard truths that something about him was inadequate and I could not spend the rest of my life at his side knowing this. That's an internal blow, no matter how you slice it. MY INTERPRETATIONS of what is inadequate may NOT be that of another woman's and therefore he should remain fully in tact vs. being left to feel he failed because he wasn't good enough. No one should have to change for anyone else PERIOD. Adapting to new situtations isn't changing so lets not confuse that one either.

With all due respect to the iVillage community... please understand that I am not saying your advise is "wrong", I simply agree to disagree that it is necessary to tell another human being that what is not adequate for ME, defined as "tell him the truth" by all here, is necessary because it may not be inadequate for someone else.. i.e. I dont think he needs to change one damn bit just because it doesn't work for me so i'm not about to give him cause to feel like he isn't good enough period. Human nature folks... if someone tells you that you're not "serious enough" for them - how would you take it?!! Think about it. My being engaged is not an issue that he needs to concern himself about. He needs to concern himself with the reality that I cannot be the one that stands in the middle of the road of the path he travels. I've explained that friendship with him is valuable to me however, I realize that a complete break in communication will be necessary for him to be able to heal and move forward. There are ways to encourage the one you leave to move forward vs. rubbing their nose in the very feces of the negative that brought the break off in the 1st place. why the "why, what did i do" is so bloody important for some escapes my reasoning. If you knew, would it really make you feel better or would you rather be told the OTHER truth... that what was share was valuable and that the qualities you DO possess are perfect, for the right person and there is likely the right person out there, the one telling you these things, simply isn't that person - doesn't mean you're "wrong", just that you're not the right one for them.

I'm sure there are some that will still disagree... but those are also some of the ones that have spent the last 6 months crying over the one that left them behind too. There is a beauty and a worth in each person and no one in your past, present, or future has a right to judge it poorly - if you can't believe in your own inner beauty - who the hell else is even going to see it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:32pm
I've never been so much a proponent of "the harsh, cruel, brutal, raw, truth is what should be disclosed at all times, in all situations"...so much as I am a believer in "there is no substitute for the truth because it allows you to overcome that which holds you captive."

It's not necessary ever to tell someone "why" they're not right for you, or "why' you want what you want......it's just necessary to tell them that they're "not it" so that they can process that information per their own methods and move on - if they're wanting to "have a life".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:36pm
Your last paragraph is EXACTLY what i've been saying all along!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:36pm
That you don't have to justify your wants or decisions...doesn't mean that you're exonerated from informing others that are impacted by your wants and decisions of what those "decisions" are.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:46pm
Erin.. I'm done with this string. I do NOT agree with you. You like to be told what's wrong with you and why when a relationship breaks, that's fine. Like I said, we're all different. I, personally, don't find it necessary to rip the guts of someone up by explaining that internal traits are insufficient for my devotion. Providing someone else with an out to maintain their dignity.. hayell yes that exonerates me because the so-called impact is minimized and an encouraged retention of self worth is retained. I've found that I seem to have a lot more friend rention as well by this path... many an EX still calls just to chat, ask for advise and without one iota of "issues" that relate to the relationship we once had but moreover because they respect ME for having respected them enough as real people, with real feelings, that were never wrong - only incompatible with my own on an intimate plane. Someday, perhaps... you'll understand that but I doubt given your intense need to "win" this debate, that you'll agree... which is fine with me.

God Speed to you Erin