Warning... Net dating can go too well

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Warning... Net dating can go too well
24
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:26pm
I never dreamed that it would have happened this way... now I need help! I broke off a dating scenario but he wants to "wait forever for me". He sends cards, even writes emails to my mother for Heaven's sake! Constantly proclaiming his unconditional and never ending devotion to me. I'm ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE! If I were to tell him that, I feel like I would be delivering the final blow.

How can I tell the world's most sensitive and an incredibly sweet sweet man that he cannot wait for me and that I cannot see him in that capacity again, without KILLING him by the reality that another man will share my life, always.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:51pm
Why on earth would telling him that you're engaged make him feel anything other than the two are you aren't right for each other? I don't understand why you think that simply telling him you're engaged equals telling him there's something wrong with him. That doesn't make any sense...It's not like we're suggesting that you tell him you're engaged AND tell him all the reasons why he's not right for you.

And how do you expect to be friends with him going forward when you're deliberately keeping an important piece of information from him? That will almost certainly put the kibosh on any friendship as soon as that comes out...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:57pm
typically, I find that reading the lines, vs. trying to read between them, usually works much better.

I will not tell him I'm engaged, its not his concern nor the reason for our break up, therefore, not part of the issue regarding telling him the truth about why we aren't together. The truth is simply that he lacks qualities I evidently need. Internal traits thus caution is, in my book, required.

I also clearly stated that whereas friendships are valuable, this one will require a complete disconnect (i.e. no communication whatsoever) in order for him to heal.

Something else you didn't read right?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:05pm
I did indeed read that...but it sounded to me like you were offering friendship once he heals. If that's not the case, that was not at all clear from what you wrote, and most likely won't be to him either. My thought was that when he is ready to be friends and you say "oh, by the way, I'm married now", it will be a bigger blow than if you told him now that you are engaged.

I agree with you that you being engaged is not the reason you're not with this guy, but it is still information that would be helpful for him to have so he can let go of any hope. I know he *should* do so based on what you've told him but what we "should" do and what we do are two different things. It will help him to have finality.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 3:43pm
I have many friends that are also married... just because he's ready for friendship at some point is not a guarantee that there would be more. I have made it clear that anything more than that will never be a viable option. This will also serve to dispell any hopes that may linger... all i can do is my best with regard to the "hope" subject. I am not leading him, stringing him, nor being vague whatsoever about the intimate portion of our lives, i've been straightforward that it will not happen to that measure. His friendship, as are all of my friendships, valuable to me but he will not be able to heal without a complete and total break from all forms of communication, that's what my initial statement said. His finality will come in the knowledge that we will not be a couple again, my being married one day only serves to show that I have moved on. He will have to nurture himself in many areas, my only goal has been to ensure that who he is was not a bad or wrong thing, that is... please don't change who you are to serve my will because that simply NEVER works. He is right for someone just how he is and he shouldn't have to change 1% of anything. Thus, my engagement is not a necessary element of the discussions, again, primarily due to it not being a reason for our not seeing one another any longer. What I should do, I have done. Thx

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