was he the jerk or was i the b*tch?
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| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:32pm |
I will try to make the long story short. Me and my ex dated (distance relationship) for about 1-1,5 year. He broke up with me last autumm (we had arguments and it was a confusing time in many ways) which broke my heart- eventually, he came back and we got back together after 6 months/I didn't contact him myself except for two times during this time, so it was his own choice to start contacting me again.
We met again and got back together. As the result of this meeting I got pregnant. Before our break up we had tried to get me pregnant but because he had broken up with me earlier and we had just started dating again I felt like I wasn't ready for a child right away.
I suggested using condom and said we should talk... asked him if he really wants to be with me etc... He said he came back to me because " he realised it isn't so important how cute the girl is but how she will stuck by your side... Like you did... when I was having a difficult time and called you crying and you listened to me and tried to make me feel better... That's how a girlfriend should be like..." He said that why should we wear condom now when we never did it before... I was confused and I know now, I should have insisted it more strongly so I could have avoided the whole mess. But I was irresponsible and just went with the flow and didn't use protection... I didn't believe I would get pregnant anyway.
I got pregnant and I was shocked (even tough I knew it could happen- how silly!)... Anyway, when I realised the seriousness of the situation I got really confused and scared.
My boyfriend and I were both really confused and scared and had mixed feelings about the whole thing a week after I found out I was pregnant. This is what happened:
1st week I found out I'm pregnant. I tell my bf. First we are happy. Then we are scared. He is happy. I am scared as hell. He is scared. I am happy. We go through unbelievable emotional rollercoaster during these days... argue...we talk... we write...It was so confusing... He is not sure whether we should keep the baby... I am not sure... We decide to make the decision together...
The weekend We argue about some things... I tell him to apologize for some things he said... He told me "You are using your new power against me (meaning the child)"... "I think you should make the decision... Whatever you decide to do, whether I support it or not, I will be there at least financially... I will send you money every month"... I got really upset and scared of these words... I am scared he might just leave me like he didn last autumn and then I will be alone with a child...
We argue and apologize... But I am still really scared... On Monday I call the doctor to book a time for abortion. I know it was wrong to do because we had promised to decide it together. I told to my boyfriend that I was going to have an abortion and he got really upset (even tough still at this time he wasn't sure whether he wanted the child or not, he is against abortion). He started texting me that I definitely shouldn't do it and that we should keep the baby (he has been desperate for a child for as long as we have dated, he is 34 I was 22 at the time). I got really scared and confused and I went to see my best friend for support. It was wrong to do that because we had promised to keep this to ourselves but I was so scared my bf would turn my head and make me have the baby I knew I was not ready to have.
While I was at my friend my bf sent me messages trying to convince me to have the child and not abort it. He even started calling me a "baby killer" and saying things like "I will never forgive you if I do it" etc... He also said he talked to his mom and so we both didn't keep this just to ourselves... We argued...
Next day we talk over the phone... He was really angry I had showed his messages to my friend (his messages were really mean and I was really hurt- I know it's not an excuse but still)... I tell him I can't have the baby... I am not ready, I am too young, I am scared, I need to do things before I have a child... I was also unsure if I could trust him after all the mess we had gone through... He said he can't be together with me if I do the abortion... He said he could never forgive me if I did it. We finish the call in words... "Okay... then there's nothing we can do... Bye." (I assume this was the break up call).
The next day: He doesn't contact me. I don't contact him.
But the next next day... Things start to happen. He started sending me crazy messages how some girl had been to his place and supported him yesterday when he was feeling so down and was in a really really bad shape. I don't know the 100% truth about their history... but this is what I know... My bf had met this girl in some party after we broke up in autumn. The girl tried to hit on ym bf and said he should date her instead... My bf told me he had told everybody he still had a girlfriend even tough we were having "a break"... so this girl kept texting him if he still had a girlfriend... I guess they had met for a lunch a couple of times and the girl really liked him... But me and my boyfriend eventually got back together (I had never heard of this girl before btw!)
Anyway, that day the girl had contacted my bf, took a day off from work and went to my bf's place to be there with him when he was feeling down... He told me: The girl, let's call him Lisa, and her friends had made him realise he deserves much better than me... That I don't deserve to be the mother of his child... I am a babykiller... Lisa had said if she had a boyfriend like him he would treat him like gold... Lisa had promised to have his child... They will have a child together... I was able to make you pregnant fast, I will probably make her pregnant fast so she will have the child a month after you were supposed to have the child... I was shocked of all these things he told me... I got really hurt... and we started sending mean messages to each other... I call him mean things and tell him all bad stuff too... (to defend myself) Lisa had told him that I am irrational and unstable... and Lisa had adviced that my bf should put me in trouble with my dad... So my bf tells me he will write to my father... to let him know how badly I have acted and dealed with the decision... He doesn't want me to have the child anymore but just to put me in trouble in the eyes of my family (he knew I didn't want to talk to my family about this) I got really hurt how he could even say anyhting like that. He tells me that Lisa is beautiful and that it feels good to be appreciated by a sweet and beautiful woman... We send really mean messages to each other... A few days later he texts me that he would love us, me and him, to have a child together... that I should still consider it...
I tell him I will not keep the child (not after what he told me about the other girl).
He tells me he feels sad about this situation... He says he will always love me but he wants to have a family. So he will go with a girl who wants the same as him. He says he wants to find a woman who he falls in love with both physically and mentally. I wish him good luck with his "search".
Next day he tells me he will come to my country and "sue me" and stop me from doing the abortion. I don't reply to him. The day after that I am really a mess. He texts me that I don't have balls... Lisa does -and they are going to have a beautiful child together.
I got really hurt. I tell him he should be careful in what he says to me because I still carry his child and I could make his life really difficult if I wanted to. (I know! How childish... but at that point I was more hurt than ever and I wanted to make him suffer.......) I told I still might keep the baby (at this point I wanted revenge...but I was also a real mess and I didn't know what I wanted... I still loved him after all...) I told him to call me... We talked ... I told him how much it hurt me when he told me these things about the other girl... During this call he told me "she is really hot. She could get any guy she wants." He also said he doesn't know her so well. They just met for a luch a couple of times. I ask him to stop the contact with the other girl. He does it. We agreed to meet and talk...
The next day I talk with my friend... Thank god for my friend... She made me realise in how crazy sitaution I was in... She said how could I even consider having a child for a man who says things like that about another woman...
I tell my bf that I am just not ready to have the child. I apologize for the mean things I said and said I didn't mean it. I tell him I am just not ready for the child. I wish him all the best. He says he understands my decision and that he can't really say anything to it. He says he loves me. I don't reply.
The next day he texts me he thinks we shouldn't end a long and great relationship like this. That we should talk even for a few minutes. He had already booked the flight to come to see me and couldn't cancel it anymore. I said I was really sorry for that... I was just not feeling like talking after all the mess so I told him I don't feel like talking. I tell him we should just let it go.
He got really upset. At this point I have already apologized for all the mean things I said and for my confused behaviour and I didn't want to go into that fighting anymore...
He started sending me all these crazy and ugly messages: You don't deserve to be the mother of my child... You are a baby killer. He calls back to Lisa saying he was sorry he did how I asked and stopped the contact with her. Lisa says she was really hurt but that she forgives him. He tells me Lisa is coming over to his place. They will go on vacation together, he will marry her and she will have his baby... He told me his heart went for Lisa anyway. "Lisa is more beautiful than you. My friend told me I was crazy for not dating Lisa because she is so beautiful." "You are a fake, a liar, an ahole!"... I keep my cool and don't say mean things back to him... That was so low from him cause I am hot myself. He tells me I should not write him anymore. He says his new girlfriend doesn't want him to be in contact with me anymore.
I just tell him I could also start comparing him to all the hot an tall (he is short! lol only 5'8) guys I've been with but I rather not do that. I tell him he was never meaningless to me and wish him the best.
A few hours later he sends me a message (even tough he had self told me not to contact him anymore!) saying that he is happy we are not together anymore... and that he will go on vacation with Lisa and ask her to marry him. He also tell me that Lisa has ovulation during the the vacation time, that's why they are going there together. I reply nothing.
The next day I change my phone number.
I go through a really physically painful abortion process which as definitely a right decision to me.
After 1,5 months he send me an e-mail because he doesn't have my new number: "How are you?. I hope you are doing great!" I don't reply.
The next month later he sends me a mail where he says:
He hopes I am doing well. He still feels really sad about the way our relationship ended. We both did a very bad job communicating. I hurt him with the way I handled the pregnancy process. He said he definitely hurt me by starting to date someone else right away. He said he didn it because he was so hurt of the way I dealed the pregnancy process. We both did a very bad job communicating he said.
He said he has forgiven me. He hopes I will forgive him too. He thinks I deserve to be happy because I am a good person. He wishes me all the happiness in the world.
I am definitely not going to reply. I actually don't understand why he is writing me... according to all the things he told me before he shouldn't feel sad at all about the way we broke up- he got what he wanted- hurt me. I really loved him and it has been difficult for me to go through this break-up. But he said things to me I will never be able to forgive him and that's why I could never write him back. But I guess he just feels guilty and want to write me to feel less guilty and less of a jerk. I am sure he wrote me just to feel make himself feel better... he wants to believe he is a good guy.

First, get thee to a doctor and get on birth control! If you can't take the pill,get a diaphram, something! If I understood you correctly, you were trying to get pregnant before your first break up? Never, never, never, have a baby with a man that you aren't either married to or have been in a committed relationship for many years. Raising a baby alone is tough, I know I've done it.
Sounds like you're better off without that man. Stay away, stay very far away!
Welcome to the board lipglossgirl,
I don't know what to say. You both behaved badly, but you already know that. Sorry for the painful relationship and end of the relationship. Continue to ignore his emails, block them even.