Was I a bandaid for dad's suicide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Was I a bandaid for dad's suicide?
3
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:04pm

My ex's father committed suicide 6 wks before we met. In the yr and a half we were together, he talked about it once. I've never felt like he ever dealt with it considering he's an only child and his parents are divorced so he was the one to make all arrangements and take care of legal issues after it happened. Now I've starting thinking I was just a distraction and perfect timing for him, and maybe he never REALLY loved me at all. He had a big whole, and I was just the first thing to fill it.

My biggest problem with my ex was that I had to do everything for him and I was the only one putting in any effort which was still never enough. We both used to live in NYC, then he moved 30min (and a train ride) north of the city for work. I had to take the train back and forth at least 6 times/week to see him. He hated coming to my place (no where to park his car etc) but was hurt when I suggested maybe we see each other less frequently. I did ALL of his cleaning, his cooking, HIS LAUNDRY! Even when we broke up last time, I was the one he came running to when he couldn't find his passport, and I had to figure out how to get one overnight. When we got back together, I had grown a lot, taken control of a lot of the problems I brought to the table, yet he hasn't changed a thing. Basically, I was ready to leave the relationship when I heard myself complaining of all the same problems to my friends over and over. I know it's my fault that I let him get used to me being his mother, but I'm afraid those are all signs that he never really did love me, which is crushing. I mean, he did a lot of amazing things, and treated me well, but I just feel like he never made any effort. I'm miserable lately, but still confident we shouldn't be together, but it's killing me to think that he wasn't feeling the same things that I was.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:11pm

Thinking this way is just a recipe for disaster. It is what it is and you can't change the past. Let's say for argument's sake he did do that--what are you going to do about it now?

Focus on the fact that you're simply not right for each other, it's best that you're apart, and stay away from these kinds of thoughts.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:16pm

Gal_astoria - I totally agree with Sheri on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 5:54pm

That's a MASSIVE assumption on your part, one that's grossly unfair to him and to you.


Ultimately, you are putting these thoughts into your own mind yourself, and making yourself suffer.

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