Was I being shallow???
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Was I being shallow???
| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 7:01pm |
I dated a guy for several months and most of the 'dating' was long distance. We met in the city that we live in. We sent text msgs and also emailed. Most of our interactions were very brief (didn't talk for hrs or everyday). He did come back to town and we spent about 10 days together (1 month's time). He took a job overseas. He kept bringing it up that I visit him. The RT is over $2K. I know that he misses me but I felt the pressure when he kept bringing it up. He makes 4x more than me and he no living expenses because the company pays him X amount to cover his living expenses there. I never asked to visit because I couldn't afford it but it irked me that he kept bringing the trip up and not offered to pay. I got upset for his lack of understanding and told him that I couldn't continue with the LDR anymore and gave him the reason why. I feel that it was wrong that he expects me to go and not offer to pay. I also told him that I wouldn't pay that much unless I was married to the person. I really care about this man and it really bothers me that I had to make the decision. He never wrote me back. I realized that I hurt his feeling. I feel degraded because part of me question my own values (shallowness). I feel very bad even though I stood by my principals. The question is do I have fu*ked up principals?
Edited 6/22/2006 7:35 pm ET by senna2006
Edited 6/22/2006 7:35 pm ET by senna2006

No, you were being practical. That's not shallow.
The only thing I might have done differently would have been to say straight out, "I'd love to come and visit but I can only afford to pay $500 towards a ticket right now" and see what he said...but maybe you did that (couldn't tell from your post).
In any event, what's done is done. You did what you felt was right and that's that.
Sheri
That's a decision only you can make. Personally I'm comfortable with contributing financially when I'm in a relationship (and I've done the LDR thing and I always paid for my tickets there), and I'm comfortable with something that's closer to 50/50 in terms of who travels where. But everyone is different, the circumstances can be different (it sounds like perhaps he gets more flexibility than you do in taking time off, for instance)...so you need to do what you feel is fair and right for you.
Sheri
Hello,
I agree with Sheri. I think that maybe you should have word it differently. Every time he would ask you, you should have said something like " I would love to but unfortunately money is a tight for me now." instead of being so direct and telling him you wouldnt spend that type of money unless you were married (if that is what you actually said to him..I do not know by your post if it was something you were just thinking or really said this to him)
Also you basically broke up with him by telling him you didnt want to do the LDR thing. That is why he isnt calling you...he probably feels you ended the relationship.
I wouldnt call you shallow, just honest but you should have tugged more at his heart strings alittle bit more. Make him feel alittle guilty so that he would offer to pay at least half. I am not sure but maybe you scared him alittle by just mentioning the word marriage and by some of the way you worded things.
Maybe you can give him a call one more time to apologize. If you get his voice mail or answering machine, leave a nice message saying you are sorry and just leave it at that...give him a week to call you..if he doesnt then I think it is over.
Good Luck!
Hello,
Personally, if I was in that situation I would think it would be only fair that the cost gets SPLIT between the both of you. Why should he have to flip the whole bill? Same thing for you. If you both want to see each then the cost should be split and you and he should take turns on traveling. You goto him, then he goes to you and so on. A relationship has to do with sharing. Same thing goes with dinner, movies etc...never expect the man to ALWAYS pay for you, that isnt right. Take turns.
Do I think you were influenced by your friends...yes I do. But you said you werent interested in going so I guess you are not interested that much in him.
Just my opinion.
I think couples should take turns visiting one another in an LDR... or split the cost of each plane ticket. Unless one person makes significantly more than the other person, then it should be pretty evenly split. If one person can take more time off than the other, then that person can visit more often, but the other person should pay for the tickets when its their turn (hope that makes sense).
I do not believe guys should pay for everything... if that's what your friends are telling you, then yes, they have "corrupted" you (your word). I actually recently ended a friendship with this girl who felt the guy had to pay for EVERYTHING -- she once called me all pissed off b/c she gassed up her car while he was in the car and he didn't pay for it; hello! it was HER car! I don't get women like that and I got soooo sick of her constantly complaining about him not paying for her $3 cup of coffee or for her $5 valet fee that I just stopped talking to her.
Re: your situation. Given how expensive the ticket was, I do think he should have offered to help pay for your ticket. Your relationship was still fairly new so that kind of investment is a big risk. My guess is that the guy may be offended b/c you implied he was cheap by not offering to help pay for the ticket and he's either embarrassed, ashamed, or pissed.
I think you are perfectly justified in what you did. It doesn't sound like you expected him to pay for the whole flight, just half which is good.
Just curious... but how do you know he makes 4X what you make? Most guys don't divulge their salaries just months into a relationship. Just wondering if you know for sure or are guessing...
I do not expect the man to pay for everything at all. I told my friends that I would pay half considering that I would be staying with him and it was more than fair. They basically told me not to do that at all (not a place that I would go in the first place) and to let him pay if he likes me that much. After hearing about it for several months I started to believe it. In my heart i knew it wasn't right though and that was the reason I asked you all for your thought.
He did offer to pay for half of it. He told me how much he was making very early on the relationship. I think he wanted to impress me. Of course he wanted to know what I was bringing in but I was reluctant to share.