Was i right to leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Was i right to leave?
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:24am
I know this is long but I need to explain a few things. Please bear with me and offer any advice you can.

I met P in 1995, we were both overseas working in the same company and living in the same house. We became best friends, we went everywhere together and did everything together. The amazing thing was he is from the same town I am from back home, his parents literally lives 10 mins away from my parents house, we have the same local pub and even know some people in common. We got on like a house on fire, clicked right from the start and both felt we had this sort of connection that we couldnt explain. We were both seeing other people when we met but those relationships fizzled out soon after and on halloween 1996 we had our first kiss.

We ended up going out for 7 years, we broke up halloween weekend 2003. During the years we dated, we learnt skiing together, diving, had good jobs, had alot of money to travel on great holidays, we talked and talked like no one else in the world mattered. We had the same values and beliefs on everything from politics to marriage to the environment, even on how many kids we'd like to have (as many as possible!) On holidays from work, we would go back home and meet up with our friends, his friends became my friends and mine his.

We moved back home in 1999 and I wanted us to think about getting married. He always said that he would marry me some day, but he just wasnt ready for it now, we were both in our late 20's and he said he'd like to wait a few years. So I gave him time rather than push the point. Things started to go down hill as we struggled to adjust to living at home again, (we both moved in with our parents). Being quite conservative, we both had been reluctant to live together before getting married (once we started dating we moved into seperate houses) but there came a point where I just couldnt live at home anymore and I moved out into an apartment. He wouldnt move in with me. We were still spending all our time together and going on amazing holidays. I loved his family and mine loved him. Our social lives and family lives were so intertwined that I couldnt imagine that I would ever love anyone else like this or experience being loved like this with anyone else. So I couldnt wait any longer to get married, I wanted to start a family right away and start planning the rest of our lives. Then we both went through a period of being out of work. Me for 5 months, him for 10 months. I moved back home but had found an apartment I wanted to buy and asked him if he would buy it with me. It was about 5 mins away from where both our family lived, so we both knew the area very well and it meant we could carry on life as before without moving away. I told him I wanted him to ask me to marry him before i was 30, which was about 15 months away.

I was beginning to withdraw a bit from the relationship as I couldnt understand why he didnt want to get married. He kept saying he did want to but just not now. My 30th birthday came and went. He didnt mention marraige. I started to "fall out of love" with him, meaning I couldnt look at him with the same rose coloured glasses as I felt on some level he didnt love me. I started to stop fancing him on some level but on another level I was never more in love with him. I know that sounds wierd.

He is an insomniac and has always had problems sleeping, so alot of times we went away we would end up sleeping in seperate beds as I just couldnt sleep with him tossing and turning. Our physical relationship started to dwindle to the point where he stopping huggin and kissing me and it becase just $ex whenever we could get some alone time.

Anyway, he decided to come in on the apartment and we had awful problems, almost ending up in court with the builders, but after 6 months of fighting them, we finally got things the way we wanted and bought the apartment. Things then all fell apart, we fought constantly and I finally said that I wanted to break up with him. He asked me to marry him. I said yes and for a brief moment was happy. But he didnt take me out to celebrate, we both went back home and didnt tell anyone (we were waiting till we got the ring). Anyway I knew deep down that he was only asking me because he didnt want to loose me. Things didnt improve and we broke up on halloween weekend 2003. We were both extremely sad and I tried for 3 months to keep in contact, go to the movies, have dinner togehter and reassess the situation after christmas but i felt it was all one sided, I was the one making the effort, as usual. He went skiing with friends at christmas and I spent it crying at home with my family (we used to always visit each others familys at christmas), even spent new years on my own, I was in bed by 9pm crying myself to sleep.

Then I met someone in work who had joined the company about 1 week after we broke up. I never expected to meet anyone again ever, but I did. 3 months after we broke up, I started seeing this guy, who it turns out really liked me. It was Valentines weekend. I told P that I was seeing someone else. He was devastated and came over to my apartment and asked me to marry him again. He was in an awful state, we both cried and cried but i was firm with him. I told him I was giving it a go with the new guy.

Over the next few months, I began to doubt my decision, I cried almost every day and my life totally changed. I had lost my best friend, his family and friends and my own close girl friends (4 of them) all got married and pregnant in the space of 8 months. P was the first thing I thought of when I got up and the last person I thought of before I went to bed. He was never out of my mind. I still managed to function, seeing this new guy who knew the whole story, go to work but inside my heart was broken. ABout 2 months later I met Patrick and begged him to give it another go. I told him that I was sorry for seeing someone else and that I wanted to go back to him but he woulnt. He said that we should take some time apart and not contact each other for 6 months unless there is an emergency and then see how we feel. I couldnt believe it. 6 months with no contact seemed ridiculous. We have never spent more than 1 week apart up till then, even when we broke up we still met up once a week for a chat. It turned out he had met someone too but he didnt tell me, I found out from a friend.

It is a year later now and my heart is still broken. I dont cry every day now, but i still miss P terribly. He has moved away for 3 months to get his head straight but is still seeing the other girl, she has visited him and they are still dating as far as i know. We were both devasted by the breakup, it changed our lives completely. But we still tell each other that we love each other. We have remained friends, mostly emailing to keep up with what is happening in our lives.

I guess cause it is just after 1 year since we broke up that i am flodded with doubts again. The guy I am with is so nice, kind, caring, affectionate, and gorgeous. He is everything I would want on paper from a guy but he isnt P. The new guy doesnt believe in marraige, he isnt religious, wants maybe one or two kids eventually but is in no hurry to have them now. But he tells me all the time how much i mean to him, how lucky he thinks he is to have found me and how much he misses me when we are not together. He hasnt had many girlfriends and really appreciates being in this relationship. I feel like I am betraying him by even having these thoughts about P but I cant help it.

If P comes back from being away having had time to clear his head and wants to give it another go, should i give up what I have with the new guy (who is very special to me and I know how lucky I am to have met him) and take a chance on the life I wanted with P. I will hurt the new guy terribly but somehow I cant stop thinking that I could have everything I have ever wanted if P and I can work it out. Am I fooling myself?