Was i wrong
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| Sat, 04-21-2007 - 4:19pm |
I broke up with my bf a few weeks ago. I wasn’t completely ready to end it (because I still cared) but I knew that I had to because he wasn’t treating my right. So the day that I finally ended I told him that I just couldn’t be in the relationship anymore because it just seemed like he didn’t care and that all he was going to do was continue to hurt me. At first he took the conversation as a joke, but then the more I talked he became quiet and just listened. When I had finished talking we both said goodbye and that was that.
For the next week everyday I began to feel worse and worse…even though I ended it I felt like he could have said something on his behalf about trying to do better or at least that he was sorry that he had hurt me. I guess a part of me knew that we didn’t need to be together but I didn’t want to lose total contact with him. I wanted to say in contact from time to time..after all we had been together for a while and I was still cared. I knew that I deserved to be treated better.
Anyway, a week passed with NC and everyday I felt worse. Then he called me, actually he called me excessively over the course of a day. The first message he left he said that he was just calling he say hi. Then he called a few more times and left another message. In that message he was angry and he said that it was fine that I wasn’t answering my phone that he was just calling to say hi anyway. Then he called one more time and I still didn’t answer the phone so he ended up texting me saying “he never liked me anyway” (this was after being together for over a year) The text actually hurt me, which was his intention.
The thing is, I did want to talk to him but I just wasn’t ready to talk to him that day. The week before I was very upset, crying daily. I would have called him back until he left that text. I started feeling bad and guilty thinking that maybe he just wanted to check on me and see how I was doing or even talk about our relationship..and that I totally rejected his attempt…but why wouldn’t he just have left a message and gave me the opportunity to call him back. I did end the relationship so I know it must’ve been hard for him to even call but he hadn’t been treating me right. I guess my question is was I wrong for not answering the phone or not calling him back. And if his intentions were to call and see how I was doing would he have gone from leaving a decent message to being mean all within the same day. If someone's intentions are good do they end up being mean and rude when they didn't get a response after only one day? A part of me feels like he only called to see if he still "had me" to stroke his ego, not out of care or concern, and when i didn't answer he got mad because he relized that i had finally moved on. I'm confused...any insight would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry you're going through that, peacencalm. Welcome to the board.
First off, I don't think you were wrong to not answer the phone calls. At that point, any conversation you would have had would have gone south in a hurry. Some people on this board may disagree because they'll have been on the other end, the one doing the calling right after the breakup, but to be honest, one week out, you're probably not going to be ready, and that's ok. Clean breaks are best, and you had a long discussion with him about it during the breakup. Understandably, he's upset, but that does not obligate you to take care of his feelings or stroke his ego by continuing to pick up the phone. It would be nice in that second, but ultimately confusing and hurtful and it would immediately lead to false hope for him, which is a good thing you avoided.
This is a very important question you've asked here, because usually it's seen from the other side on this board, from the viewpoint of the person who got broken up with: ....."I did end the relationship so I know it must’ve been hard for him to even call but he hadn’t been treating me right. I guess my question is was I wrong for not answering the phone or not calling him back. And if his intentions were to call and see how I was doing would he have gone from leaving a decent message to being mean all within the same day. If someone's intentions are good do they end up being mean and rude when they didn't get a response after only one day?".....
Who knows why people do the many hurtful things they do when a breakup happens, but it really boils down to people do strange things out of character when they're in pain. He wanted you to hurt in that moment. Notice that is much different from wanting to hurt you. He wanted you to hurt as much as he was hurting. You asked why he wouldn't give you the opportunity to think and then call him back-- that is about control. I see it on this board all the time. As the breakee, he wants to control the outcome of the situation, only because he feels he has no input over this whole thing. You've changed his world over the past week, and some people don't react well to change at all. Then his wheels started turning, he got more hurt, more confused, it built into anger and he lashed out. That doesn't make what he did right, but it is an explanation for it, again, just from having seen so many stories like this over the past year I've been on this board.
My opinion only, give him a few days to cool off and let him think about what he's said. He may call again to apologize, or he may be too embarrassed of his actions and not. Don't pick up the phone until you think you're ready, either to call him or to answer his call.
Best,
Thanks so much cl-i_b_sandradee for reading my post and giving me feedback, what you had to say helped. While on the message boards, I also checked out another post in the Toxic relationships forum and got even more insight. I realized that I had been in a relationship involving verbal and emotional abuse. During my relationship every now and then my bf would say something rude or uncalled for about me, towards the end I realized that he was really trying to lower my self-esteem so that I would eventually think that I couldn’t do any better than him. We broke up several times (I was always the one to end it) but would feel guilty about it after, even though I knew deep down that he wasn’t treating me right. Even this last time when I ended it, I started feeling guilty that I had rejected his attempt at communication with me after the fact. However, I realized from the other post along with your input that his called had nothing to do with me but everything to do with his ego and his lack of control in the situation. Through all the stuff I went through in the relationship he never thought that I’d leave him for good and when I did he just couldn’t believe it, which resulted in him blowing up after only one day of not being able to reach me.
After reading the post in the other forum which contained several links to verbal / emotional abuse websites, I realized that our entire relationship was about power and control. I was too wrapped in the relationship to realize that his behavior was aimed at getting me to do what he wanted and breaking me down to the point where I forgot “self” and my focus was on him. All of the signs were there, him pulling away emotionally and physically when he wasn’t able to get what he wanted, him making me feel guilty when I was comfortable about doing something which sometimes lead me to doing it anyway.
Thanks so much again. I am also very grateful to this site in which valuable information, and good insight is available. I guess the hard part now is just forgiving myself for allowing myself to be part of his power trip and not realizing what was going on sooner. I know I am stronger having gone through this relationship and I know that I am now over the need to communicate with him any further.
Good for you
Listen to what you wrote: "I had to end the relationship because he seemed like he didn't care and all he was going to do was continue to hurt me." What makes you think that is going to change just because he's called you a couple of times?
If he wasn't treating you right and doesn't see it, no amount of phone calls is going to make him change the way he was treating you. Don't go back just because you're scared or you miss having a boyfriend. Everybody deserves to be treated with love and respect. If you weren't getting that from him, give yourself some time. There is someone out there who will give you the love you deserve.
I heard this really great saying, and I remind myself of it all the time - in love, at work, with my
friends . . .
"If you settle for less than you deserve, then you will get even less than what you settled for."
Be strong. You worth it.