Was it worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Was it worth it?
2
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:24am
Hello,

I like this message board because even we don't know each other we have something in common. This gives the comfort that I cannot find in anybody else at this moment.


My ex just broke up with me. We were together for a year and a half. We live in different cities and we used to travel on weekends to see each other.

It is extremely painful to me because he did it when we were supposed to be having a great time together, no arguments, a lovely chat, happy. But maybe it happened precisely because he was so happy about his life that he decided it was the time to come clear.

He told me he had lost interest in sex, that he tried to fall in love with me but failed. Many times I told him that I wanted a boyfriend, not a friend. All this time he pretended to love me because he did not want to lose a friend. We were very close, soul mates. However, now that he feels happy about his life, he thinks that he does not need me anymore (he suffered depression) and that gave him the courage to end with me.

I am devastated. I respect him and admire him so much, he is the most intelligent and insightful person I have ever met. I cannot hate him because I just have happy memories with him. This makes me crazy, the fact that I won't see him again is so painful. Certainly, I will never find someone like him.

From about a year ago, we made plans to spent a holiday together with his friends in September, we already paid for it and I promised that no matter what I would be going. But now I think that it would be a torture for me to see him again and go through the same pain of seeing him walk away while I am just crying. He really wants me to go and would be very disappointed if I turn him down. But what can I do?, I know that if I go, then I will be hoping to take him back or kiss him, or whatever. If any of this does not happen I will be devasteted AGAIN.

Should I go to that holidays with him?, is it worth?, should I have no contact with him at all?. I know what my rational thoughts tell me to do: no contact, it is over, he was never in love with you, etc. On the contrary my emotions says that I should accept that someone cannot love me and just live on present time.

I am so confused.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
In reply to: iliana_9
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:48am
Iliana, I am so sorry this happened to you.

Please do NOT go on the trip in September - try to get your money back but even if that's not possible, please don't put yourself through it. It will be so incredibly painful for you to spend that holiday with him, to be in a different country without your own support group. No matter how strong you think you are right now, or will be by the time the trip rolls around, no one is strong enough to survive that without some damage. I know that you probably want to salvage a friendship with your ex and think that this trip might allow you to pursue that but even a month from now will be much too soon for you to be able to get over all of your romantic feelings towards him and you have stated in your post that you already have expectations of that nature. Also, ppl often use vacations as a time to unwind and to let go of their inhibitions...if your ex happens to do this, to talk to another girl in front of you, to hook up with someone new, how will you feel? Yes, he'll be disappointed if you don't go but so what? By going on this trip with him, you let him think that what he did was ok, that being so selfish as to use you for your friendship for the last year and a half was acceptable. And it's not.And even if you don't see that right now, if you don't think you have it in you to be angry at him today, that could all change in a few weeks when you develop more perspective on your relationship and on his behaviour.

Good luck with everything...it WILL get better, I promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
In reply to: iliana_9
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:43am
Thank you lush for your advice.

It is him who would like to be just friends. I don't want that because a friend is someone who you can share your feelings, concerns and thoughts and how could I share with him the pain I am feeling because of him?. It is illogical.

I just can't stand the fact that I will never see him again. At this moment it looks like the end of the world to me. So many experiences we had, we were very close. It is subreal, this pain only can be compared with the pain of a loved one who has just died.

But I still have a lot of respect for him, there is noone who has helped to grow so much as he did. It was really an honour to be with him, and I am not saying this because I lack confidence or I am madly in love, it is simply true.

Unfortunately he cannot put himself in my shoes to understand that it would be very painful to see him again. His keeps a great relationship with all his ex girlfriends, in fact I know almost all of them because they belong to the same group of friends. I think it might be because they never really loved him as I did or it was never serious. So I am going to be the exception to the rule.

He is living a happy moment right now and I am feeling guilty to spoil that. Anyway, I am surprised how well I have taken all this, meditation has helped me a lot. We should welcome happy moments but never attach to them, never wish to come back because the past is unexistent. What it is causing our problems are our thoughts and feelings, going around in circles endlessly.

Iliana.