Was our EX ever really our friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Was our EX ever really our friend?
3
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 1:01pm
I sat wondering this weekend, as my EX of 4 months took the new GF to meet his family, my previous family for 7 years. Was he ever really my friend?

Reading other's posts on the board, it seems there are some men who end their relationships in decent human ways. Its still awful and hurtful, but some dumpers

show some empathy for their EX's feelings. Then there are others (like my EX) who just smashes your ego into the ground, still stomping on it 4 months later.

Could a real friend lie, cheat and treat you with no respect or kindness after sharing your life for 7 years. Even if you fall out of love with someone, you don't fall out of friendship, or release your responsibility of being a decent human being and treating the person you use to care about like a decent human being. I know with my friends I couldn't stop caring for them overnight, like my EX stopped caring for me.

It just makes me question, what signs did I miss. How does this happen, that you're in this relationship and feel like your spouse would never do anything to hurt you, they are your best friend. Then overnight their allegiance to you is placed on another and all your history and friendship together just disappears. I now know I don't want my EX back, it's taken me a lot of tears and pain to get to this place. But it still really hurts feeling like I was duped, that I put so much energy into our life together and it wasn't enough. After all our time together it wasn't even enough to secure some resemblance of friendship on his way out.

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 4:19pm
I understand and feel your pain. Getting burned in previous relationships, esp. my former marriage, has caused me to think about relationships in the reverse. Namely, "If our love should ever come to an end, how you will treat me after the love is gone?"

In my own experience, I've found it next to impossible to maintain a friendship with any ex, primarily because when a break-up occurs, the guy shows his fangs and claws. That kind of crap always makes me run in the **opposite** direction. And then they wonder why I don't want to be friends or maintain contact! Perhaps they may think of it as hurtful that I don't leave myself open and vulnerable to their games, but I tend to cut guys off as soon as things turn ugly. I'm not into remaking or trying to convert a jackass into a respectful gentleman. Frankly, I'm too old and life is too short.

It is clear to me that you're better off without your ex. If he could move on so quickly and treat you callously in the process, then you don't even need him as a friend. Neither does his new girl, but he's her problem now.

Be glad he's out of your life.

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 4:42pm
I so agree with you!! My ex was so mean and cold with me in the end it broke my heart. He just asked me to marry him 5 months ago and we had been together 3 years!! He told me how much he loved me and now he doesn't want anything to do with me, even as friends! After only 3 weeks he says that he has moved on and is dating someone else and to stop calling him. Yeah, some friend he was!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:44pm
Aww, don't you hate that??? My story is a long one but the ex wanted to be "friends" again then he acts cold and ignores me. I told him how did he expect me to be his friend whereas all he's done is treat me disrespectfully? He kept throwing the "you're married" crap to me, yeah ok...I told him just because he screwed up a long time ago, doesn't give him the right to pretend to be my friend again. What a jerk! Even as a 'friend' he's still the same jerk. I thought he had changed and 'grown up' after 12 years but he's still got a lot of growing up to do and I told him so. I don't think he liked that one bit but it's the truth. What hurted the most was recently he wanted us to be friends, how can you expect an ex to be your friend when you're the one that tore her heart up and spit it out. He's the one that made that decision and he just expects me to be 'friends' but that he still 'loved me', geeze! I finally told him yesterday in an email that I was ending the friendship for the time being and needed to heal and focus on what's really important in my life.