was your ex a commitmentphobe?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
was your ex a commitmentphobe?
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Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:11pm

I haven't been on this site for over a week due to moving cities and having no internet connection. Since I was on, I have read a book that has shed a ton of light on so many of my relationships over the past 10 years. I've been mentioning the benefits of bibliotherapy on this site since I got on because there are many of us walking around in this world not having been taught the emotional strategies to help us live healthy adult lives with healthy adult relationships. Believe it or not, there are skills and modeling that we should have been taught. There are many reasons why we weren't: alcoholic families, nasty divorces, parents who were never around or hated each other when they were around, parents who themselves had never been taught how to relate to others in a healthy way and therefore didn't know how to teach it. Whatever the reason we were not given the tools we needed to help us navigate the difficult world of relationships. Just like you go to class to learn math or spelling, there are ways to learn relationship skills as well and cues that we can look for in other people that should raise a red flag for us BEFORE we enter into an physical/emotional relationship with them. So many of these posts are from women just like me who have been emotionally devastated by men they had totally trusted and believed were just as into them as we were into them. THe book I just read was called, "Men Who CAn't Love" and it is about commitment phobic people who leave a path of destruction and devastation in their wake. If any of the following questions are "yes" then perhaps you just crossed paths with a commitmentphobe.

Did he "sweep you off your feet"?
Did he engage in a forceful, highly romantic campaign to win your heart very early on?
Were you the one in the beginning with reservations about him?
Did you have to talk yourself into being attracted to him initially?
Did he treat you like a queen and gem?
Did he make you believe he was totally in love?
Did he come across like a bumbling schoolboy, thereby giving you the impression he was extremely trustworthy and would never hurt you?
Did he lose his "interest" suddenly and apparently with no forewarning?
Did he throw away the relationship even though things were seemingly going so well?
Were you unbelievably SHOCKED at his sudden change of heart?
Has he made any curtain calls (calling after he rejects the relationship to say he is sorry and made a big mistake)?

These are only some of the clues that you've been one of the unfortunate women who has been hurt by one of these people who seem to want to love you but when they find themselves loving you (or the potential of a truly longterm commitment) they suddenly turn away, withdraw or actually leave all together?

THe main point of this book is to validate women who turn on themselves and start believing that there is something wrong with them. THey start believing that they must have faulty judgement and attract these types of men. NO!!!! STOP!!!! If anything, there is so much RIGHT with you that you do attract men- maybe lots of them. For that reason, you are probably also attracting a number of these commitment phobic men. IT is a social issue as well, where men are encouraged to behave and act like perpetual college boys where singlehood is the prime life.
If this post resonates with you in anyway, you can find that book probably anywhere. It has helped me to see finally that it's not MY ISSUE. I am a loving, caring, educated and attractive woman who seems to keep finding myself with men who pursue me like mad and then as soon as I'm sold, are no longer interested. They act like they want marriage and kids but when it comes down to nurturing that type of relationship suddenly run away. I no longer am beating myself up or trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Of course I still at times feel hurt and sorry for myself when it seems that so many around me have managed to find a love that last but overall I've decided to stop thinking I've unlovable. This book has encouraged me to sloooooow way down with these men who get me all caught up in their flattery and hot pursuit only to leave me broken hearted and wondering how they could "switch it off" so suddenly?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:29pm

I would encourage you to read the follow up book to "Men Who Can't Love", which is called "He's Scared, She's Scared" by the same authors. Much of it repeats the material of the first book, but the authors wrote it because they realized they didn't go far enough with the first book--that the person who got into and stayed in a c'phobic r'ship might have some issues as well. That is NOT to say that there's something "wrong" with you, but rather, that it helps to be aware of your own issues in order to avoid getting involved with another c'phobe next time around.

Also, the later book has a great chapter at the very end on how to move on from a c'phobic r'ship that helped me greatly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:49pm

I second the recommendation - He's Scared, She's Scared is a great book. It helped me realize my ex's pattern of behavior and unlike the first time we broke up, I wasn't blaming myself. I wish I had found it (and this board) after we brok up the first time. I wouldn't have gotten back together with him unless he agreed to seek help to address his issues (which he never would have done anyway).

It also made me realize that I have my own issues with committment. I know what I need to work on before my next relationship.

Great book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:32am

THanks gals! I will definitely check out that book.

I was just laughing to myself at the irony of the following: my ex left town because he splits his year between two national parks. of course (just as the book said) a commitmentphobe has a hard time committing not just to relationships, but to almost everything. Anyway, he wanted to give me all the stuff he didn't want to have to pack back to his other job. Believe it or not, he gave me a load of toilet paper! Looking back now, I think it's almost funny how symbolic that was. He left me toilet paper to help clean up the emotional crap he left me with. That's one of the funniest things ever. I'm so glad after 6 weeks I can gain some perspective and laugh again. It helps so much that I moved as well and no longer am looking at everything that reminds me of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:44pm

Well when I look at my ex I definitley can see this pattern. He's moved around the city alot, lots of apartments, lots of roomates. Left the city to come live with me before I relocated here. Hated it and left (That was the trigger for our frist breakup) then when we got back together he quit his job in November, found another, quit that a few weeks later, then spent months moping around until he finally got something else ( Which of course triggered our recent breakup IMO, althouh he would never admit to it)

He pursued me for YEARS and I made it clear we should stay friends until I finally said yes! and took the chance. I fell hard for him and trusted him only for him to start this push/pull routine on me that is messed with my head and unfortunatley levelled our relationship.

I should definitley pick up those books.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

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Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:05pm

Men Who Can't Love was the book that started me on the road to healing!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:21pm

I wrote almost seven months ago about my commitmentphobic boyfriend of five years. I got into counseling and on medication and am a really good place right now. HOWEVER, last week out of the blue his brother and sister-in-law called me (and let me tell you, they are not the type of people to get involved). They said that for seven months my ex has been in an awful state. He misses me, talks about me all the time, works excessive hours at the office (he and his brother own their own business) and stays home all weekend. He does stuff with them but that is all. He won't go to our favorite places, etc.

Well, they called me to see what my position is with regard to how I feel about him. I told them that I love him very much and miss him terribly but WILL NOT GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE. He must be in therapy. They agreed with me and supported my position. They went back to him and he said "she won't talk to me until I get into therapy, right?" They said yes... he said "okay, then I am going to set it up and commit to it."

I wanted those of you out there with commitmentphobic men in their lives to know that I did not call him once, or speak to him or see him once in the past seven months. I got into therapy to help myself find out why I could not set these kind of boundaries early on in the relationship. I got busy with friends and even had a few dates with different guys. I got back into playing golf as well.

I don't know what is going to happen. He may not stay in therapy, but at least it is a step in the right direction for both of us.

Any comments?

sunelady

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:26pm

I would also HIGHLY recommend couple's counseling if you both decide to try and work things out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:35pm

Thank you! Yes, I agree. My counselor says that after we both have been in counseling separately then we need to go to a couples counselor. Soooooo, IF he stays in therapy then that will be the next step.

It's still a slow road, but our relationship was so wonderful that it will be worth it in the long run. He has fears about all kinds of decisions (not just marriage) so that is also why he needs to be in therapy.

Thank you again for your support!

sunelady

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:48pm
I think you hit it right on with the "slow road" comment. If there's one thing my several relationships have taught me is that love should go slow. It needs to develop. I have been jumping from 0 to 60 way too fast and I end up very hurt and in pain when the man runs away. It's not that I'm clingy or obsessive or anything annoying, it's just that internally I start believing he is "the one" and so if he is afraid of commitment he can see that I guess and gets scared. So, yes, it is a dual effort. I'm hoping to learn to weed through the men who don't want longterm (even though their words say they do) and I'm also looking now at how to protect MYSELF from the damage that leaves behind. A big one for me is to not sleep with him too soon. Like it or not, that implies to me a longterm commitment and I do have expectations of the man if we're sleeping together. It's definitely a hard thing to resist if there's a lot of physical chemistry but I'm hoping that the pain of remembering where it has ended up for me the other times will be enough to keep me from putting myself there again UNTIL AFTER he has already shown me that he's capable of longterm- not before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:32pm

I 100% absolutely agree! This time (if there happens to be a "this time") I will go a lot slower. If we travel, get two rooms, etc. If he has truly been miserable these past months without me, then perhaps he will miss that togetherness that comes with a marriage and want more!!!
We are strong Christians so having sex was never an issue- the first year or so it was tough but we settled for lots of intimacy and and making out but one of us stopping short of "going all the way". I know that's hard for non-believers to understand, but that is the way it is for me (and any man I am with).

Good Luck to you and GOD BLESS YOU!

sunelady

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