was your ex a commitmentphobe?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
was your ex a commitmentphobe?
11
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:11pm

I haven't been on this site for over a week due to moving cities and having no internet connection. Since I was on, I have read a book that has shed a ton of light on so many of my relationships over the past 10 years. I've been mentioning the benefits of bibliotherapy on this site since I got on because there are many of us walking around in this world not having been taught the emotional strategies to help us live healthy adult lives with healthy adult relationships. Believe it or not, there are skills and modeling that we should have been taught. There are many reasons why we weren't: alcoholic families, nasty divorces, parents who were never around or hated each other when they were around, parents who themselves had never been taught how to relate to others in a healthy way and therefore didn't know how to teach it. Whatever the reason we were not given the tools we needed to help us navigate the difficult world of relationships. Just like you go to class to learn math or spelling, there are ways to learn relationship skills as well and cues that we can look for in other people that should raise a red flag for us BEFORE we enter into an physical/emotional relationship with them. So many of these posts are from women just like me who have been emotionally devastated by men they had totally trusted and believed were just as into them as we were into them. THe book I just read was called, "Men Who CAn't Love" and it is about commitment phobic people who leave a path of destruction and devastation in their wake. If any of the following questions are "yes" then perhaps you just crossed paths with a commitmentphobe.

Did he "sweep you off your feet"?
Did he engage in a forceful, highly romantic campaign to win your heart very early on?
Were you the one in the beginning with reservations about him?
Did you have to talk yourself into being attracted to him initially?
Did he treat you like a queen and gem?
Did he make you believe he was totally in love?
Did he come across like a bumbling schoolboy, thereby giving you the impression he was extremely trustworthy and would never hurt you?
Did he lose his "interest" suddenly and apparently with no forewarning?
Did he throw away the relationship even though things were seemingly going so well?
Were you unbelievably SHOCKED at his sudden change of heart?
Has he made any curtain calls (calling after he rejects the relationship to say he is sorry and made a big mistake)?

These are only some of the clues that you've been one of the unfortunate women who has been hurt by one of these people who seem to want to love you but when they find themselves loving you (or the potential of a truly longterm commitment) they suddenly turn away, withdraw or actually leave all together?

THe main point of this book is to validate women who turn on themselves and start believing that there is something wrong with them. THey start believing that they must have faulty judgement and attract these types of men. NO!!!! STOP!!!! If anything, there is so much RIGHT with you that you do attract men- maybe lots of them. For that reason, you are probably also attracting a number of these commitment phobic men. IT is a social issue as well, where men are encouraged to behave and act like perpetual college boys where singlehood is the prime life.
If this post resonates with you in anyway, you can find that book probably anywhere. It has helped me to see finally that it's not MY ISSUE. I am a loving, caring, educated and attractive woman who seems to keep finding myself with men who pursue me like mad and then as soon as I'm sold, are no longer interested. They act like they want marriage and kids but when it comes down to nurturing that type of relationship suddenly run away. I no longer am beating myself up or trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Of course I still at times feel hurt and sorry for myself when it seems that so many around me have managed to find a love that last but overall I've decided to stop thinking I've unlovable. This book has encouraged me to sloooooow way down with these men who get me all caught up in their flattery and hot pursuit only to leave me broken hearted and wondering how they could "switch it off" so suddenly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:32pm

HI sunelady!

I like the idea of sharing two rooms on trips and stuff. I agree with that and that is actually where I have been in trouble in the past. I do understand where you're coming from as far as the no sex goes with your religious beliefs but don't forget that there are "believers" who are still believers but don't abide by those same rules. I'm just saying that you can have pre-marital sex and still believe in Christ. That's the wonderful thing about Christ, which is what made him so revolutionary and special; He did not condemn people as readily as the CHristian right would have us believe these days. But anyway, this is not a religious board so I'm gonna shut up now.

God bless you as well and good luck.

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