We all deserve better
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| Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:48am |
Okay it's been 8 months since my breakup. My Ex and I were together for 7 years when he cheated and left me for a co-worker of ours. No warnings, no fighting, no discussions. I have to see him everyday.
The break up was devastating; I was depressed for several months. My main goal was "how am I going to get him back". I thought if I could get him back it would magically heal all my pain. There were some days when I wasn’t sure I wanted to live. I couldn’t ever imagine being happy again.
Depression time over…
Where life is right now..
- I’ve lost 35 pounds
- I was made a Partner at my job..very good $$
- I’m dating a bunch of different people..Men who have something to offer me, not men who want me to take care of them.
- I’ve taken some great trips to places I wanted to go.
- I’m taking classes in things that interest me.
- I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
What I’d do different to get here faster:
No contact if possible. Don’t try to be friends right off, it just keeps you in the painful cycle of wondering “does he like me” “why doesn’t he like me”. In my situation My Ex has a ton of guilt (he should, he was a low-life man with no integrity). So here I am heart broken and I think that by being friends we might get back together, so I made myself a target, an outlet for a place to dump his emotional guilt. One day he was nice, next day a jerk accusing me of all sorts of stuff. Why do that you to yourself.
Take a trip, I waited too long before I did this. I went by myself to a group orientated spa boot camp thing and it was amazing. I met so many people. It boosted my confidence to challenge myself.
I would start dating sooner. I don’t mean start a relationship, but get out there and have fun. Maybe it’s superficial but going out on dates, getting phone calls and email from men who are interested in you helps. I’m not going to get into a serious relationship for at least a year after the breakup, but attention from the opposite sex helps.
Take classes. Immerse yourself in learning something new. Just go to the museum or the bookstore. I’ve learned to knit; I’m taking Ice-skating class and a history class.
Be grateful. Spend sometime everyday thinking about all things in your life that you’re grateful for. Your friends and family who held you together after the breakup. The guy who helped you change your tire when you had a flat. It’s amazing when you step back from your life how you can find so much good stuff to be thankful for. The kindness of strangers always surprises me. The world is basically a good place, something bad has happened to you and it’s very painful, but it’s just a small blip in the movie of your life.
I started a “Life box”. A box that I put pictures or notes to myself of what I want my life to be. I’m very specific with qualities I want my next partner to have. I write about what qualities I’d like to develop to be my best self. I put in pictures of houses I like or places I’d like to visit. When I start feeling down I open up the box and it shows me how different the life of dreams is compared to the life I had with my Ex.
I’m sorry for rambling here. I know it feels like your pain is never going to end. I just wanted to share the small things that helped me feel better. We all deserve only the best. We need to expect the best. The best doesn’t include people who don’t see or appreciate us for who we are.
Love and peace to you all.

I'm glad to hear of your progress! That's fantastic. I love the ideas in your post too...I am going through a transition with the man I'm involved with (not a break up exactly, at least not yet...it's an LDR and I need to take a big step back, which may lead to a break up), and definitely plan to do some of the things on your list.
Sheri
Thank you for the suggestions. I broke up with my bf of 2 years in August after I found out he lied to me about some very big things in his past. We tried to make things work, but I soon realized that he needs to grow up a lot before I can be back with him. We've tried to remain friends but, as you mentioned, that is very hard to do. Tomorrow he is moving from Los Angeles to Washington, DC to start new. I'm devastated and haven't stopped crying in 2 days, but I know that this separation will be good for both of us. Thank you for offering the support and all of the wonderful ideas. I think I will use this time to start my own "Life Box" and to figure out what I want in a relationship. Thanks and good luck to you all!
~Lonely in Los Angeles~
Thanks so much for sharing!!!!! I have been trying different ways to get over my ex now! We have pretty much a similiar story, its been 8 months now too since my break up with the ex of 5 years. He as well cheated on me. However, lucky me i dotn have to see him every day. And i dont think i could!!
I love your suggestions and I will try some out asap. I agree with what you said about being friends too soon. It wont happen, because old feelings come back and what not. It is a painful cycle which Im stuck in NOW. Its awful and I need to get out of it. The no contact idea is a great idea. Thats the only way I think I will be able to move on.
Im having problems with dating people however. I still have the ex in mind and when I meet someone new i always think in my head, "your not ____". I pick out things that I dont like about the person even if its actually a good thing. Example would be, I met this super nice guy that is soo sweet to me. I however, have caught myself saying "Hes too nice" and was negative about it. Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The life box is a great idea, and Im starting that up tomorrow.
Thanks for your help and suggestions. Anyone have suggestions about how i can possibly date new people without having this mind set thing taking place?
I understand what you mean when you say that you fall into the trap of comparing your date to an ex as it happens to me too.
I guess that best way out of it is to try and remember the bad things about your ex, such as his cheating so that you will only start seeing your ex in bad light and compare him to the GOOD guys you meet.
Hope this helps.
By the way, I agree with you that NO CONTACT with an ex is the best option.My ex wants to remain friends but I am surely not capable of doing this as its too difficult to accept the fact that he's enjoying life without me by his side.
I am sure that sooner or later you will accept a future boyfriend the way he is & will only compare him to your ex in the sense that your ex will be THE BAD GUY !!!
Good luck !!