We broke up...but now it seems.... HELP

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
We broke up...but now it seems.... HELP
2
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 3:37pm
My girlfriend broke up with me about three months ago, and we got back together about a week later. Then she broke up with me again and I basically told her I didn't wanna talk to her again or be around her, which is difficult because she's friends with all my friends. Anyways, I was unable to stay away from her and we're hanging out again. She's told me that she thinks about us getting back together. When we hang out with each other it's a lot like when we were together. We make dinner together, go shopping (I Don't buy her anything) etc.; but there's this weird feeling I get when we're around each other. She's been kinda touchy with me; she'll punch me or support herself by leaning on my abs when we're laying on my bed and she's slapped my butt when we've been cooking. When we've been watching TV she's laid her pillow on my chest and then laid next to me with her head on the pillow, which seems kinda like snuggling to me. She slept over one night (just sleeping, not anything else) at my suggestion. She's joked a couple times saying "We're gonna have sex tonight right?" or something similar and although I know they're jokes, they seem like more. Last night when she laid on my chest with her pillow I had my arm by her back and I put my hand lightly on her side and back and then just had it laying parallel to her back, barely touching her back. It seemed like it weirded her out because she moved the pillow back a little later to her side of the bed; she could have been uncomfortable too I guess. When she left she said "I'll call you later, or tomorrow, or I'll see you tomorrow, or I'll call you tomorrow because we can't see each other everyday." Is she using me? Cuz if she is I don't know what for. She also says how she's gonna move in with me half joking half serious. We were together for a year so I'd like to think that she cares about me enough not to use me, but who knows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 4:01pm

She's using you. Here's how you can tell. She is in control. She decides what and how much affection is given. She is GETTING something out of the relationship as it is, but she isn't GIVING you anything (i.e. tangible or clear or consistant) in return. The relationship isn't equal, and it's all about her. She's USING what you're giving her.

Lemme ask you, why her? What is it that you tell yourself to silence the nagging feelings that this isn't right and you're being taken for a sucker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:03pm

You said: "Then she broke up with me again and I basically told her I didn't wanna talk to her again or be around her." What has changed since then? It's never too late to follow your gut-instinct. I know it would be difficult, and it would take a lot of run-arounds because you two have the same friends, but if you really want to stop talking to her, or being around her, it is possible, and in my opinion, in your best interest.

It sounds like feelings are still there. How will you ever get over her and heal if you are in constant limbo, analyzing her wishy-washy actions, listening to her shallow words that really mean nothing, diminishing your self-worth of what you deserve by alloting her all of the power.... and perhaps hoping for more out of the situation. Empty promises of getting back together, and no actions to support that shows you a lot. And if you did get back together, wouldn't the same problems be there? Do you fear she would break up with you a 3rd, 4th, 5th time?

It doesn't sound like you can be just friends with her currently. If I may ask, what caused the breakups? Has she clearly defined that she just wants to be your friend? ..Comments like this.."We're gonna have sex tonight right?" may be jokes, but I think she knows she is messing with your mind/feelings in some way because she can.

I know it's difficult, and you get urges to see her, you miss her, but this doesn't sound like a person that is respecting you or considering your feelings. Don't you feel you deserve that? She basically has your companionship with no strings attached, no commitment, no promise to you. Perhaps she wants to see other guys? I second the previous poster's thoughts. Why would you continue to put yourself in this situation -- unless, you like it this way, and it doesn't hurt you, you feel fine as is? Obviously, you are here for a reason.

It's time to cut contact... I am not saying forever... Sometimes, that is just unrealistic depending on the situation, but for a few months... you really need to be on your own... And I am almost willing to bet if you disappear out of her life, she might come crawling back to you...contacting, etc and I don't think it would be for the right reasons -- it would be because she lost control over the situation. Do you really want to have this girl in your life as an "almost girlfriend?" Don't you want someone in your life who wont play around with your heart so easily by breaking up with you over and over, who is sure of herself, her wants, and needs, and most of all, YOU!?

She likes having you there as a companion, confidant, whatever the case, but she has reservations about the relationship for her own reasons. Sort out your feelings and how you feel about this situation -- if you find it's difficult, and have these instincts that she is using you, you probably are right? Why else would you have thought that if you didn't suspect that, or suspect that her character would allow insensitive behavior?

Good luck.

~~SD~~