We still live together

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
We still live together
4
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:55pm

My boyfriend and I just broke up after 5 1/2 years. We broke up because I am moving across the country to go to law school and he is not ready to make a marriage commitment. I understand this and I don't blame him but it is still utterly horrible. The real problem is...we live together. I am leaving town in 28 days, so its not like I can move out. We broke up yesterday and then slept in the same bed because that's what we've done for the past 2 years living together.

How do I start to heal and accept this break up with him sitting there on my couch? Neither of us even wants to break up we just have to because of the situation. I don't want to pretend like nothings wrong, but I don't want to lock myself in the bathroom for a month either. Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:47pm

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I'm sure you've explored every option out there, but is there any way either you or him could stay somewhere else for the remaining days? I mean, if it becomes that hard to stay around eachother, and I can see why it could, it might be better if you both sat down and discussed the option.

I actually had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend at the time, and they had been living together. Apparently she was the one who broke up with him, and he even said that the last few months they lived together it just felt like they were friends. However, they managed to live together for a couple more months, just until the lease was up, and they could find new places. I believe he slept on the couch, or in the spare room though.

Anyways, I don't know if you can work around it for the rest of the days, or you will need to find other options. Maybe you can just sit down and have a talk with him?

Hope this helps a wee bit!

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:24pm

28 days in the same apartment with a man who doesn't want to marry you ... sounds like real pain to me. Is there any chance you can stay with friends for part of that time? Or maybe rent a furnished room in someone's apartment?

I don't think you will be able to accept the breakup and start healing until you move out and are on your own ... Maybe you can look at the next month as a slow adjustment period. Take this opportunity to gain a good understanding of the relationship, what went wrong, why he's not ready to commit and so on ...

I found one of your statements interesting:

Neither of us even wants to break up we just have to because of the situation.

This makes it sound like neither of you is in control of your life, which can't possible be true. It sounds like he is choosing not to marry you and follow you to where you're going to school. After 5 1/2 years together that might feel like a real rejection, but you make it sound like it's no big deal ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 10:13am

I'm very sorry about the situation you're

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 6:49pm

He hasn't made a decision after being together for so many years. I think breaking up is a good option. But I am a total believer in LDR's. Yes, they can work. I think, over here, the issue is not bout going away long distance, but about him unable to commit to marriage. What are his reasons?

I think your going away and this break-up, is going to give him a chance to miss you. Meanwhile, you should concentrate on school.

And I'd say don't wait for him. Surely not.

I think he needs to see that you have self-respect. If he feels, that you are willing to wait forever for him, he might lose that respect for you and wonder why you are doing it.

Ask for what you want....and let him know, he could get in touch when he feels ready to take it further, and that you will consider it then.

But don't break up just because it's going long distance now.

Distance never stopped two people who really wanted each other in the true sense.

Are you both still young? If that's the case, giving each other some time to settle down in life makes sense.

(my personal opinion)