We were best friends - I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
We were best friends - I'm scared
13
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:09pm
My boyfriend and I dated on and off for 7 years. We just broke up last weekend - for good. He is my best friend and I am his. He broke it off with me but I understand why. We were friends for years and started dating at the end of college. We were comfortable together. I often questioned if we were really in love. And I guess he did too. Even when we were living together I knew it wasn't the relationship I truly wanted. I guess I wanted him to look at me in a way that he never could and in turn I couldn't look at him that way. I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that we probably wouldn't make it. So why is it so hard? I am a mess! Has anyone dealt with this kind of relationship? Best friends but could never take it to the next level? We just couldn't give our "all" to one another. But we loved hanging out with eachother. We definately had times that it was great. I've just never been such a mess in my life. If I could, I would just keep typing to try and rid myself of this horrible feeling. I feel like my nerves are standing on end, like my emotions are raw and my heart is squeezed. I just want to know it will get better. I want to know I will meet someone that will make me forget all of this. I want to know there is hope for he and I to be friends down the line. I can even work with years down the line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 12:35am
Is it possible that the reason you're feeling so lousy about this situation isn't because of the loss of the "relationship" but the possible loss of the great friendship you shared??
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:10am
Thank you - that is the first glimpe of "hope" at the end of the tunnel for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:53pm

I'm in a similar situation--I broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years in January. I, too, considered him my best friend. Our situation got complicated because he became involved with someone two weeks later and lied to me about it for six months (he says because he didn't want to hurt me, but he was also still trying to get me back, so I think he didn't want to ruin his chances). I was devastated, both by the quickness with which he moved on and the fact that my supposed best friend lied to me about something that was such a big part of his life for so long. I found out in July, and the last two months have been painful as we try to repair our friendship...Despite all this, I think we will. My point is, for you, that I think if you truly are best friends, you WILL maintain that connection. If I can do it with my ex even though he hurt me so much--and if he's trying so hard to repair the damage even though I keep pushing him away and telling him to get out of my life--I think you guys can do it, too.

I would suggest you tell each other to be open about your dating life, at least when you get serious about someone. Otherwise, it can cause these kinds of problems, and that's no fun for anyone.

Sounds like you and I both knew our relationships weren't right. Just keep that in mind. That's what I'm telling myself. The right guys are out there for us. We just need to believe it.

Not sure if that made much sense. I'm trying to give you hope. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 3:25pm
I worry about that every day - did he meet someone else and that is what made him "move" on his feelings finally. I figure we will sit down and talk in a few weeks and hopefully we will get everything out in the open, if that is something, I guess I will deal with that then. You are right though - open and honest is the way to go if we have any hope of seeing our friendship through to some level. Thank you, your message did help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:38pm
It is possible to be friends. Just give it time and make sure you've moved on. Don't push things, they'll fall back into place naturally. Good luck.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:42am

One thing I am trying to learn is NOT to analyze the whys and hows and what ifs about HIM. Does he miss me, is he with her, did we end because...it does NOTHING to help me move on. The convention of voices in my head serves to drain my energy ONLY. I am trying to focus on me and avoiding contact. I am listening to my feelings, dealing with my inner child and all those old issues.

Best of luck..this is NOT easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:40am
One more thing, do NOT jump into another relationship yet. You need to feel the pain and get back to you. It would not be good for you and not fair to the new guy. Patience..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:57pm
I have no urge to jump into another relationship right now. But I wish someone could tell me how long I should expect to feel this way. I walk around with this cloud over my head and it has been almost three weeks. Last week, I thought I was doing better and making progress. Now, this week, I'm just walking around in a stuper. I miss him but I can't stand to see him. i think about all the "what if's" yet I'm trying to deal with going forward. I'm trying to push myself forward and it's not helping. It helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with these issues though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:06pm
patience..it took a year to end my last lt relationship and I only prolonged it because we "tried to remain friends"..not possible in most cases. We still emailed, called blah blah..if you can detach, and have NC, you will heal faster. Keep busy, do your journal, be with the girls and do little treats for you: pedicure, massage...I am in day 5 and ok today..but who the heck knows what tomorrow will bring ..or my worst time, tonight. Sigh..I am with ya Jenny..patience..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:46pm

i know how you feel about walking around with a cloud over your head.....i feel the same...except i've been walking around with this black cloud over my head for a year...yup it's been a year since my break up, not to scare you though...We all have different issues to deal with, and everyone's healing process is different so, can't say how long this will last...i do hope that you don't walk around with this cloud over your head and pain inside for a year....I can tell you this though, having contact with your ex will definately NOT help your healing...that's one of the reasons why i'm still feeling this way after a year, we've had contact for this whole year...i just started this nc thing..it's been 5 days and counting...it's hard, but it will be harder if i see/talk to him.

Take care....hang in there.

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