We were best friends - I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
We were best friends - I'm scared
13
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:09pm
My boyfriend and I dated on and off for 7 years. We just broke up last weekend - for good. He is my best friend and I am his. He broke it off with me but I understand why. We were friends for years and started dating at the end of college. We were comfortable together. I often questioned if we were really in love. And I guess he did too. Even when we were living together I knew it wasn't the relationship I truly wanted. I guess I wanted him to look at me in a way that he never could and in turn I couldn't look at him that way. I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that we probably wouldn't make it. So why is it so hard? I am a mess! Has anyone dealt with this kind of relationship? Best friends but could never take it to the next level? We just couldn't give our "all" to one another. But we loved hanging out with eachother. We definately had times that it was great. I've just never been such a mess in my life. If I could, I would just keep typing to try and rid myself of this horrible feeling. I feel like my nerves are standing on end, like my emotions are raw and my heart is squeezed. I just want to know it will get better. I want to know I will meet someone that will make me forget all of this. I want to know there is hope for he and I to be friends down the line. I can even work with years down the line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:16pm

I feel like you've typed my story, but7 months later. I was with my guy for 7 years and we broke an engagement. The whole relationship was more like best friends than lovers for 7 years, but we tried to make it work because we loved each other. Finally breaking it off was very tough...tougher yet was when he met someone new just a month later. Even though it hurt, I think it ultimately helped that he was very upfront about what he was doing relationship wise. I wasn't ready to start over...i was healing myself, but his healing took a different path. We always felt we should remain friends, but took a break from contact. We stopped talking for a month and I felt that over time I stopped thinking about him AS OFTEN...don't get me wrong, i didn't stop altogether, far from it! But I'd realize that a whole day went by and I didn't think of him once. That month was the time i needed to focus on me and not think about what he was doing. Even after that month we spoke, but kept things at a minimum...at my request, because i felt like i still had healing to do. It's very liberating to realize that it's been a week, a month, two months since you spoke to him and you're still alive and ok! Now I would say it's every few weeks that we speak...and I do still think of him very often...but each day that I get through without calling, emailing, etc. the better off I am.

Once you get into the habit it'll be much easier...it's so nice when someone asks you how he's doing and you can answer, "I don't know, I haven't heard from him for a couple weeks"...I'm not sure how that will make you feel, but it gives me a feeling of strength that I don't need to know how he is every day....that role to me is gone.

I do remind him that I feel we were only meant to be friends in life...because of our strong friendship that we always had. Meant to be friends, not lovers. It's reassuring to me as well when he agrees.

You'll get through it...one day at a time...and before you know it 7 months will have passed and you'll feel stronger for being your independent self. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:43pm
Thank you - it makes me feel better. I've come to grips with the fact that no contact is the way to go. It's hard that we have the same friends but I can and our friends can handle it being a little "awkward" for a while as we take time off from eachother. I'm hoping a few months from now I will be like you said, thinking about him less and wondering about him less. He and I both want us to be friends down the line but it will take time and healing. Some days are better then others but these messages help remind me that it is possible. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:12am
Yep...in that boat right now....he's my best friend and i can't talk to him because i know i'll end up going back im a wreck and a mess i hope that feeling goes away soon i need to focus on other things...-Christine

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