We were supposed to get married...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
We were supposed to get married...
6
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:40pm
I just wanted to write on this board because I am going through a really hard break up right now and I don't have too much support. My relationship with Drew consumed me. I am farily new to Dallas and what friends I had made here, I alienated when he came into my life (first mistake). Anyway, today is our anniversary...would have been 6 months and we broke up last night. I honestly thought he was the one. I've had my heart broken before but I always new in the pit of my stomach that they were not right for me...this one was different, I really thought it was "it". We had looked at rings and I was kinda expecting one for my birthday in two months. Anyway, we live 2.5 hours apart from each other and he had agreed to look for a job here in Dallas and move here because he lives in a small town that doesn't offer anything for my career field (I have my Masters in accounting and I work for a very large firm). At first he was gung-ho about the whole thing and he told me every day that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else and that one day he would marry me and one day I would have his children. I fell absolutely head over heels for him. My family loved him and his family loved me. I let my guard down and got "comfortable" and have gained a little weight. I feel so down on myself now. We started fighting all of the sudden and he was always depressed. He starting drinking constantly and never wanted to come visit me because I live with my parents and they don't like him drinking in their house. He would drink 6 or so beers every night after work and at least a case on satruday and one on sunday. He quit going to church with me and when I'd try to do things to work on our relationship like books and things for us to work through together, he'd get pissed and not want to do it. I asked him over and over and over again to go to couples counseling with me and he refused. I asked him over and over to stop drinking and he'd get mad about it. He would say I don't have a problem, it just helps me deal with stuff. I asked him to talk to someone about his anger problems and stress managment issues and he said no. I still tried to make it work though. Yesterday we had another big fight over the phone while I was at work so I told him I couldn't do this right now and I hung up. I later thought about what happend and decided to suck it up and apologize, even though I really didn't think I was in the wrong...I was just trying to make peace. He wrote back "I have nothing to say at this time, I said no more fighting and I meant it". I still expected him to show up at 7:30 and when he didn't, I began to call. I called and called and called and finnaly got him to answer after about 30 phone calls. I was worried sick because I was afraid something had happend to him as he traveled to see me. It turns out he was drunk. Drunker than I have ever known him or anyone else to be. He said the most horrible, awful, hurtful things you can imagine to me. He let me know that he was "going out" with his friend (who he knows I can't stand because he has a drug problem, is an alcoholic, and cheats on his wife) and had no desire to see me. He told me that he was giving me this weekend to "think about what I had done and decide if I wanted to straighten my f*&^&( act up" he called me everything you can imagine, it was awful. My mom could hear him yelling and now she has said he is not welcome in her house anymore and he will never haver her blessing if we were to get back together. Even after I begged and pleaded with him to come see me, he said no and so I said "i hope its worth it" and I hung up. I have not had any contact with him since. He sent me a text message this morning saying "I just can't fight with you anymore, i'm sorry" and I did not respond. Later, he sent me another message that said " i just don't understand what happend to us" and he resent it again a few hours later....I guess because i did not respond. He sent another one about 3 hours later that said "are you ok, no need to hate each other". I still have not responded. After what he said to me last night, I really have nothing to say to him. I want him to wallow in what he has done. Part of me wants to never talk to him again and just let him wonder what happend to me. The other part of me wants him to apologize and get back together with him if he will agree to stop drinking and agree to get counseling. I don't know what to do...he just called both of my cell phones while I was typing this message and he also sent a text that said "I tried". WHAT IS HE DOING? What should I do? Someone please if you have any ideas or advice or an unbiased opinion, please let me know. Thank you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:49pm

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through...but it sounds like you got caught up in who you *thought* he was...and that's not really who he is. He's someone who drinks heavily and has emotional issues. That's the reality. It sometimes takes a good 6 months (or longer) to find out who a person really is--we tend to look at our new partners with rose colored glasses and they also tend to be on their best behavior early on...but the real person comes out eventually and you have to decide if you are compatible with THAT person.

You could email him and ask him to not contact you unless and until he's willing to stop drinking and go to counseling...but that may never happen...it sure doesn't sound likely from what you've written. So you would need to move on in the meantime as though it was never going to happen.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 12:47am
STOP IN YOUR TRACKS RIGHT NOW! Be ever so thankful you discovered this NOW rather than after you were married. I was married to an alcoholic for more than 12 years the first part of our marriage was fine but the alcoholism set in and by the end it was horrific. IT WILL WREAK HAVOC on your life, estrange you from your family and GOD himself. You do not deserve it. His behavior is classic alcoholic behavior - i.e. totally abusive and then the next day he's sorry. It is a vicious cycle that will not end and you cannot help him with it. TRUST ME. Change your cell phone number and if he ever darkens your door again turn the other way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 10:24am

The sudden transformation is startling. There are red flags ALL over the place. I would say move on as this Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde thing sounds down right scary. Sorry but it's better to end this now before you have a lifetime of pain.

The pain must be immense. Surround yourself with love and light from positive people in your life. Get your endorphins going and take some power walks or start a new fitness class? Get back to YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:10am
Wow, what was scary to me is that sounds exctly like what happened to me, except wihtin in the matter of 2 months. He straight off the bat told me I was "it" for him, talking about marriage and how I as the most amazing person he'd ever met, and we had the best times. Then his mom was diagnosed with cancer and all hell broke loose. He started drinking A LOT...going to bars instead of seeing me, and I think he used to lie and say he was going to sleep and went to the bar sometimes(however one of his friends said he always drank a lot). He was nasty sometimes when he was drunk, with the whole cursing thing...but then sometimes he would be like "i love you so much." He like just stopped caring, didn't seem to care if I walked out, didn't try to stop me. But, I still tried because I just figured with his mom and everything that he's stressed and has every right to be, so I stuck it out with him. But, this was taking a bad toll on me, I was getting upset, and thinking about him all the time, wondering where he is and if he's lying about it...etc....so when i tried to talk to him about it, he said he didnt have any problem, so i said if he didnt see that we did, then theres not much left to be said about us, and he said so be it. Difference between you and me, is that he won't contact me, I tried to contact him but he won't pick up or call back, and that hurts, because I want to end on good terms, and I don't know why he's being like this. It hurts how you can have so much love for someone and they just stop caring. I guess I'll have to agree with the other ladies and say let him go, because that's what I realized is best for you and me...because I think in the long term it probably would only get worse, and then you'll regret it bad. It's just hard when you remember all the good times, and those amazing plans he had, and wonder what happened. Good luck hun...I know I need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:16am

The pain is hard and when you love or are addicted to someone, it seems you will endure ANYTHING to hold on.

But, everyone, when you read this, most of all you Snakegoddess, don't you see how GOOD it is this type of partner is NOT your partner...it's bad for you, bad for the kids involved and well, just bad all around.

We have ONE life as we know it..make it WONDERFUL...surround yourself with people who respect themselves and you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 12:07pm
He is trying to play games. DO NOT RESPOND!!! Leave before you end up like me!