Wedding Cancelled
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| Tue, 07-26-2005 - 5:09am |
Warning: This is long. :)
I had waitd my whole life to get married to the right person.
I met my ex-fiance about six years ago and we were friends. We lost track for a while, but we met up again and hit it off wonderfully. We were together three years, engaged two of those. We moved in a few months after dating, into our own place together. We both had good jobs and built up a great cozy little home. He is a very attractive guy. Both in our mid-twenties. He did the dishes, did the laundry, ironed our clothes. Cleaned almost every single day, telling me to stay put, he would do it. He enjoyed cooking.
He did everything for me. Hallmark cards every few days. Teddy bears. Clothes. Little things I greatly appreciated. We both did that a lot. He loved animals, loved my family. Took my little brother under his wing and would take him places to as a 'big' brother. I loved his family, he loved mine. They loved me and mine loved him. It was a wonderful relationship. When we fought, sometime later, we'd end up laughing and hugging. We had a very wonderful relationship. I had even had men at my work tell me he was a very handsome man. And they were straight! He was a cuddly, lovable, beautiful on the inside and out,person. Has the best hugs in the entire world. I love this man so very much. It hurts so bad.
There were times he would tell me I looked at him funny. He would think I thought he was ugly. This wasn't too often. That really perplexed me. I told him every single day just how beautiful he was. For three years! I would watch him sleep. Run my fingers through his hair when he slept and wondered how I could be with someone so perfect in every way. I would tell him that. How could I be with someone so strikingly beautiful on the inside and out. It was not his looks, it was what he had in his heart. But to me he was so beautiful. I never looked at him in a funny way or ever thought of him in a strange way. I always let him know by telling him to his face or leaving him little cards and notes. I always treated him with the utmost love and respect, as he returned as well. I do not consider myself to be beautiful. I never put myself down. I am a pretty humble, down to earth person. He said he loved that about me. I was so proud I was going to be his wife! So proud.
I had no reason to distrust him, which for me is a big deal. I never trusted anyone I dated. We got engaged and planned our wedding. I am so in love with him, and could not wait to marry him. Our wedding was set for August. He helped me so much in planning the wedding. We were prepared. He even ordered our wedding favors. He took care of the bills and financial planning. We treated eachother the way a husband and wife should. It was as though we were already married.
My entire life I have never celebrated Christmas or some other holidays due to religious beliefs. He knew that. Several times over the course of our engagement we came across this issue. He does do the holidays, and I told him that he could. He said we'd work it out. He would compromise because he loved me so much and he knew I did this my entire life.
I started to have this sick feeling that something was terribly wrong around the beginning of July. I had no idea what it was. I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to marry him. We had an almost perfect relationship where we honored and cherished eachother. People saw that all of the time. Three years and the spark was still there. And we even stopped having sex a long time ago because we felt it would be better to wait till our wedding night to make it more special. This was something I had thought of, and he agreed that it would mean much more if we waited. He was excited about it! Anticipating our wedding night! Most of the wedding had been planned and we just had a few finishing touches left.
The feeling I had was unnerving. Then one night I brought up the holiday thing to him again to have him assure me that it would be alright. Every time he did in the past. He always made me feel better.
Instead of his usual agreement, he boldly told me that it could not work out unless I observed the holidays with him and our children would as well. His mother would be upset and he would be embarressed if I did not follow his religion. He said he would never agree to what I believed in nor would he accept it in any way. Two days later he told me he was moving out to live with his grandma. He left some things here at our home. We shared bank accounts and everything together. The cell phone is in his name and I still have it. I tried to check the minutes on the account to make sure I could pay him for anything over, and he changed the password on his account.
I mentioned the cell phone bill to him the one time I got to talk to him, he told me not to worry about it and left it at that.
Since he has left, he has called me once. He hasn't come to get his cell phone or the rest of his belongings. I have tried to call him, but he will not answer or return any calls. This was two weeks ago. He had told me he would get his things sometime in a week. He hastily got off of the phone saying he had groceries to put away. I told him I needed to talk to him. He would call me back, but he didn't.
I mean, three years of bliss. A wedding in a little over a month! Poof, he leaves.
He has read the emails I sent him and has gotten my messages. I stopped calling after a while. I decided he'll call when he's ready.
I am so hurt and heartbroken. My family is hurt and devestated. They already called him their son-in-law. I cannot call him over and over again. I am too old to play these games. I only called a few times in the first few days. I realized after that he didn't want to talk. He'll call when he's ready to call. Why harass him.
How could he love me so much and leave like this? There were no problems, no issues we had. Nothing at all! And he's ignoring me and throwing this all away as if it never happened! He was never like this. He was always devoted and loving and giving. I have never met anyone like him. This is why it hurts so very much!
What can I do? I lost my job right before this happened. He even told me not to work for a while so I could spend some time getting the wedding planned. Then everything is all over.
The same day I lost my job I lost a close family member, and then a week later he moves out.
My whole life has fallen apart. I have all of these bills to pay living on unemployment and lonely. How distressing this is.
It may seem as though some of this stuff is made up. How could a guy be so wonderful and loving? I sit here now and can't think of any problems we had. I can't think of any arguments or distrust we had between eachother. Every argument was simplistic. That is why this is so hard to deal with. I mean, we had a great friendship and a great love for one another. Or so I thought.
If anyone has anything to comment on, please do. Just don't be so rash, this hurts so bad on many levels. I lost everything. I am sleeping on the floor, alone, on unemployment....alone. And I can't even talk to him or get any real closure until he picks up his last remaining things. How heartwrenching this is.
Edited 7/26/2005 6:19 am ET ET by digitalsolstice
Edited 7/26/2005 7:30 am ET ET by digitalsolstice

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Awww I'm so sorry that you are hurting... You found a soft place to be here, and people who understand your pain and confusion. I don't think there is anything majical I can say to take away the pain you are feeling, but I can tell you that you WILL get through this. It appears that the religion issue ended up being the breaking point. And you both ignored the differences and consequences up until now. It must mean alot to him, as maybe your beliefs mean alot to you, and that makes it really tough. Give him some time, and maybe he will talk to you about it more. He must be feeling the pain of losing you as well. When getting married and raising childeren, there are some major things that you should agree on, and just "love" won't be enough. Would you consider adopting Christianity and practicing it with him? If it is something you and your family holds as strong as his does, then maybe this is for the best and you will meet someone else with your same beliefs. I'm so sorry, best wishes for peace and healing. Hopefully someone else here can give you more wisdom on the subject and also share more kind words to help.
Grace
I know he is hurting too. That hurts me very much.
There is probably more than you said. I think that commitment should be mutual in a relatioship. It is obvious that his religion is very important to him in the same way that it is important to you, maybe you should have talked seriously about these holidays arrangaments.
If you love him so much, then you should be more understanding about what his needs. But in a way, he was right. A marriage cannot work if you don't solve your differences first and agree about the best thing to do in the future.
This experience has also shown you how he really is. He is not open to communicate and he can also be very selfish and cold.
iliana
I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I almost fell apart in my 20's after a long relationship, he purchased the ring, we had the wedding planned in our minds. I know how I felt and it was horrible.
I have a question about the wedding ceramony-was it going to be a civil ceramony?
I would think if his religion is so important(which is OK for him, but he should have told you exactly how important), he would want a priest, or minister present.
You will get through this. When people told me, I always told myself I would not. It may take a long time.
This is confusing to me, during all of that time together, you never knew this as he kept it secret, or lied to you. That was very unfair to you.
Hugs,
c318
We were going to have a civil ceremony at a local Wedding Hall. I agree, he should have been honest with me from the get go. But I look back on my proposal (which most women can tell the story in excitement) and I feel kind of embarressed. We had gotten into a fight over a porno problem he was having. (hiding it and lying about it)
I was angry with him for lying to me and hiding stuff around the house. He ran the cable bill up to almost $300.00. So, needless to say, I was disappointed and angry with him.
The next day, he was so apolgetic, he proposed to me. I have never told my family this, because it's not a 'sweet' story. I found the cable bill unopened in a vase, on my birthday while he was at work. On my birthday. He tried to hide it. And he never paid for it.
He was never religious. I didn't even tell him I wanted him to go to church with me. He had told me all along that he was fine with it. When it came up this last time, there was no changing his mind. So I do not take all the blame for this. We had talked about this alot. Abruptly, he changed his mind and left. So, as one poster said, I could have committed to his religion, but he does not have one. I just told him I could not celebrate Christmas, which he knew for three years. We talked many times about children. He said he didn't want any. Then he brings up that he wants children and he wants them to do Christmas. He didn't want to be embarressed that his wife didn't celebrate Christmas with him and he didn't want his mom to be mad. He even told me that Christmas to him was not religious, it was a time to spend with his family. It had nothing to do with Jesus.
So, tell me, does this sound like it's all my fault? No, it isn't. So I am hurt, and I am devestated. I miss him very much but I am confused at his actions. I wonder if he had cold feet.
He took the brand new bed, so for a while I slept on the floor. He took most of the expensive stuff in the house. He offered to buy me a futon, but changed his mind. This weekend he went out drinking at the local bar. I have tried to get ahold of him for certain questions regarding our joint accounts and bills. He has called me one time in I guess three weeks. I have called him but he doesn't answer. Then tonight I talk to him (I text messaged him) and he complains that I don't call him. Why would I when he either gets off the phone after a minute, or he doesn't answer?
Even tonight, he said, I'll call you right back, but he never does. I told him I thought maybe he was hurting or needed time. He said he was and it will be a long time. But I can call him if I need something. Most of the time he talked about himself. He put me on hold, and I hear him laughing loudly with some women. (he was at work). He's making a lot of money, has only one bill to pay now, took the nice things out of the house and I'm on unemployment. So, I am trying not to be bitter and angry. I pray for him every single day. I worry about him. But it sounds like he's not doing so bad now.
I just want to get over this. Speed it up so I can move on. He won't get the rest of his stuff out of here! Borrowed my brothers truck to move and left not only my car on empty, but his truck. He even took the plants in the house! Took every movie and told me he'd leave me some. I looked and he left me one, "Fifty First Dates". That is not a movie I can ever watch again. He took our camcorder, brand new digital camera and 35mm camera we bought for the wedding. He took probably about $1000.00 worth of electronics from our entertainment center. He took the computer, the printer. He took my brand new hot plate and said he thought his grandma would like it. I have the wedding dress in the shop getting altered, and it's going to cost a good amount, and he told me I had better get it out of the shop. Like I have the mind to go get it! I can't even afford it.
I know it's wrong to be this way. It's wrong to feel this anger towards him. It comes and goes. I break down over anything wedding related. Someone asked me at a picnic the other day when I was getting married, and I broke down. I was so humiliated, I left. I broke down in front of over fifty strangers. So needless to say, I thought I was doing good, but I am not. I am hurt. I miss the memories. Just that day it all happened, we were having such a good time. That week had been so fun and special with him since I was not working. It is so terrible, I have so many feelings and I just want them to go away. And they aren't.
I just wish I had never met him. I would rather have been alone, then get all the way up to my wedding almost and then poof, it's all over, and I am all alone and distraught.
This pain is just too much to handle and I feel so bad. :(
I know this must be so frustrating for you, but you need to take action so you can stop calling him...it's just keeping you hooked in and you'll never be able to move on while you're talking to him.
1. Re his stuff: send him a certified letter saying that he needs to make arrangements with you to come and get his stuff by X date, or it will be sold or given to Goodwill.
2. In the same letter, outline exactly what he owes you for your joint accounts (attach copies of the bills) and tell him that if he doesn't send it by X date, you will be filing a case in small claims court (if the amount is worth it...it might be best to just let it go).
3. Do you feel he owes you money for the things he took? Do you have receipts showing that you bought the furniture, electronic equipment, etc jointly? If so, you can add an amount for half of those items to your demand letter.
Once you've sent it, follow up. Don't give him any extensions. Once you've done what you can about these things, you won't have any further reason to contact him and you can begin to move on.
Sheri
Sheri is right, you have to take care of you now and give him a deadline. I'm sorry he is kind of a jerk! He threw his religion in your face when he doesn't even practice it... thats a load of crap. You didn't deserve that or any of his wishy washyness . When did he decide he could take everything of value out of your house? I agree that the contact should cease, and you will be able to move on quicker. You care a deep amount and you seem like a sweet wonderful person and I think he took complete advantage. You can get angry, very angry, and hold him responsible for being a jerk, pulling out right before the wedding! A christian with a porno problem, lieing ie: hiding things from you, and a user and a drinker. I think you can do alot better, he is the one losing out on a great women!
Oh and embarrassed if his wife didn't do Christmas???? It's embarrassing to use Christmas for the perks of Santa Claus and not recognize it's true purpose and meaning, that is embarrassing. You stay true to yourself and find a man with some values and beliefs :)
hold your head up, this is the best thing that could have happened to you!! And one day soon, you will see that too! Big hug, hang in there!!
Grace
You have absolutely every right to be angry. He's trying to hide from all these problems and leave you to deal with them. And he's not even giving you the benefit of closure as to what happened. Sadly, as hard as it may be for you, the gals are right -- you need to give him some deadlines with consequences so you can force things to be settled. And I agree that if he's taken stuff he shouldn't have, bill him for it or force the return of the items. Also, call the bridal shop immediately and let them know the situation. You might be able to work out some kind of deal with them. You might want to consider posting on the bridal expert message board to ask what you might be able to do about the dress (there are wedding planners and such on there so they'll have some good ideas). Just tackle one thing at a time and the more you can settle up, the better you'll feel.
And keep talking to friends, etc. The venting is the best step towards healing.
Pesky.
I am stupid. I am sitting here sad each and every day wondering if he'll change his mind.
I mean, three years together! How could he love me as much as I loved him?
If he did, things would be different.
He is already off of my bank account. The cable is in his name, (since he ran up my bill). So he'll either pay it or he won't. He did pay the phone bill up for this month and next, so that was nice. But he has a lot of money he doesn't need (spending tons of money shopping for clothes and cd's and movies). The biggest purchase I made was a $5.00 Bible at Walmart! LOL!
He was supposed to take his name off of our lease, but if he doesn't oh well. If I can't pay the rent, it hits him too. And I begged him to take his name off for his sake.
The stuff I have to give back to him isn't much. It's mostly odds and ends and things he forgot. Lots of memories I have boxed away for him to take. I have a cell phone from his account, that I will give back to him. But he told me to keep it for a while. I think he wants to monitor my phone calls, which is fine with me. I could care less, let him.
I don't give care about the stuff he took. The things he has is not important to me. Sure, it hurt, but it's not worth fighting over.
I talked to him Wednesday morning for a while. It was mostly over basic stuff going on in our lives. I finally came out and told him I was tired of talking about this stupid crap, and wanted to know why he lead me to believe he was ok with my religion for three years and then changes his mind! I told him I that when we got married, it was to be our family together, me, him and children if we were to have any. Why would we have to spend each holiday at his parents house? He finally said that if we did have children, he would give in and let them follow my religion, but he didn't want the children to think he was evil. I just agreed with him. I told him that I thought this was the best thing, no matter how hard it hurt.
See, I had a sickening feeling for the first few weeks before this happened. I prayed about it, I mean prayed asking God if this was the right thing to do. I wasn't angry with my fiance, I was madly in love! He was good to me, and no, he didn't have a drinking problem...(someone mentioned that in an earlier post). His issue was porn, which I guess he hid very well. And believe me, I have prying eyes.
I prayed about this, and I knew I was too weak to end this on my own. So the next day, this subject came up in my mind and it bothered me again. I brought it to his attention and this time he was serious about his 'beliefs'.
So I honestly look at this as an answer from God. I know this is the answer to my prayers. I asked that it wouldn't all be on me. That I was too weak to let it go on my own if this wasn't right. That's when the next two days he moved all of his things out. On his own. I didn't ask him to leave.
So understand, if you believe in God, prayers do really work.
I didn't expect this to happen. I really didn't want this to happen, but if he would have told me the same line again, how we could make this work, I probably would have married him on August 28th, and gotten a terrible divorce down the road.
So I am not thinking we are going to work this out. It is apparent that he is back with his old habits. I guess I don't understand how a man's mind works, but if he was really so hurt and 'missed me every minute of the day', then how could he spend his time purchasing and watching porno movies? Is that weird? I wouldn't be suprised if he fell into old habits. He tells me he misses home. We had it good here. We both made a decent living, and had many nice things. But see, nice things don't make me happy. It apparently makes him happy. He doesn't miss me, he misses the nice big screen (he didn't take, it was too big), the new couch, the furniture, and the other things he didn't manage to take (because he had no room).
I shouldn't be staying at home day in and day out by myself sleeping all the time and ignoring my phone.
I am unemployed and have lots of time on my hands. I am blessed that the unemployment I make plus the wedding money we split will keep me covered for a few months. Then my parents are taking me on vacation in October with them. I have my car, my home, my pets and food to eat. I am doing alright, but the pain is bad. I guess maybe I know the porno thing is his deal, it's not my business anymore, nor do I think like a man, but it does still hurt to know he is still addicted to porn. I was going to call him about it, but it's no use. It's his business now and I am going to let it go.
I don't deserve this! It's just sad that I am almost twenty eight, and my dream of getting married was so very very close and now I could not know when I'll ever have this chance again. Nor do I know if I'll ever want to take this chance. Everyone around my age and younger has one or more kids and some are married. I am the only one besides my handicapped female cousin that hasn't settled down or had children. But I guess my time will come, and someday I may meet the man of my dreams, and my exfiance will look like dirt then, right?
I don't need a man to make me happy. If one comes along some day, then good.
But I know for a fact, in my heart, that one of these days he will feel bad about what he did. I know he will, but it's too late. Let him suffer over it. It may not be now or a year from now, but one day it will happen. And then it's just too bad.
Thanks for your postings.
I am sorry mine are so long, but I just have so much to say and vent about. I am tired of venting on my family, it is a burden to them. They understand, but I feel like I am taking their time and they need some space from me. So I stay at home alone waiting for the pain to go away.
Thanks everyone.
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after your second post with more details...please tell me why you shouldnt feel anger towards him besides the fact that you love him. He knew what he was getting into and he shouldnt have been ENGAGED FOR TWO YEARS if he couldnt face the fact that he couldnt be married.
This sounds like someone who got engaged and was scared out of his mind and went drastic. He also didnt think heavily enough about how his future would be with you regarding holidays and children and all the "family" stuff.
If he had left and took nothing, i could see a mind set of being responsible for his decisions. But since he is being cruel and unresponsive, and uncommunicative he is not being responsible for his decisions...just like he did or didnt when he proposed.
i'd say you dodged a bullet but unfortunately are having to deal with a hot smoking gun (no job thing, being left holding the bag thing). Get help from your parents if available.
Start looking within your religious community for any future male connection so that you can believe the way you want to believe without compromise. Considering the percentage in america who do celebrate those holidays ...and how holidays and children go together..this is a contentious situation that if you believe so strongly in..you have a right to observe and teach your children in your belief system. Does your religion tolerate living together before marriage? Just a question.
Lizzie
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