Wedding Cancelled
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| Tue, 07-26-2005 - 5:09am |
Warning: This is long. :)
I had waitd my whole life to get married to the right person.
I met my ex-fiance about six years ago and we were friends. We lost track for a while, but we met up again and hit it off wonderfully. We were together three years, engaged two of those. We moved in a few months after dating, into our own place together. We both had good jobs and built up a great cozy little home. He is a very attractive guy. Both in our mid-twenties. He did the dishes, did the laundry, ironed our clothes. Cleaned almost every single day, telling me to stay put, he would do it. He enjoyed cooking.
He did everything for me. Hallmark cards every few days. Teddy bears. Clothes. Little things I greatly appreciated. We both did that a lot. He loved animals, loved my family. Took my little brother under his wing and would take him places to as a 'big' brother. I loved his family, he loved mine. They loved me and mine loved him. It was a wonderful relationship. When we fought, sometime later, we'd end up laughing and hugging. We had a very wonderful relationship. I had even had men at my work tell me he was a very handsome man. And they were straight! He was a cuddly, lovable, beautiful on the inside and out,person. Has the best hugs in the entire world. I love this man so very much. It hurts so bad.
There were times he would tell me I looked at him funny. He would think I thought he was ugly. This wasn't too often. That really perplexed me. I told him every single day just how beautiful he was. For three years! I would watch him sleep. Run my fingers through his hair when he slept and wondered how I could be with someone so perfect in every way. I would tell him that. How could I be with someone so strikingly beautiful on the inside and out. It was not his looks, it was what he had in his heart. But to me he was so beautiful. I never looked at him in a funny way or ever thought of him in a strange way. I always let him know by telling him to his face or leaving him little cards and notes. I always treated him with the utmost love and respect, as he returned as well. I do not consider myself to be beautiful. I never put myself down. I am a pretty humble, down to earth person. He said he loved that about me. I was so proud I was going to be his wife! So proud.
I had no reason to distrust him, which for me is a big deal. I never trusted anyone I dated. We got engaged and planned our wedding. I am so in love with him, and could not wait to marry him. Our wedding was set for August. He helped me so much in planning the wedding. We were prepared. He even ordered our wedding favors. He took care of the bills and financial planning. We treated eachother the way a husband and wife should. It was as though we were already married.
My entire life I have never celebrated Christmas or some other holidays due to religious beliefs. He knew that. Several times over the course of our engagement we came across this issue. He does do the holidays, and I told him that he could. He said we'd work it out. He would compromise because he loved me so much and he knew I did this my entire life.
I started to have this sick feeling that something was terribly wrong around the beginning of July. I had no idea what it was. I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to marry him. We had an almost perfect relationship where we honored and cherished eachother. People saw that all of the time. Three years and the spark was still there. And we even stopped having sex a long time ago because we felt it would be better to wait till our wedding night to make it more special. This was something I had thought of, and he agreed that it would mean much more if we waited. He was excited about it! Anticipating our wedding night! Most of the wedding had been planned and we just had a few finishing touches left.
The feeling I had was unnerving. Then one night I brought up the holiday thing to him again to have him assure me that it would be alright. Every time he did in the past. He always made me feel better.
Instead of his usual agreement, he boldly told me that it could not work out unless I observed the holidays with him and our children would as well. His mother would be upset and he would be embarressed if I did not follow his religion. He said he would never agree to what I believed in nor would he accept it in any way. Two days later he told me he was moving out to live with his grandma. He left some things here at our home. We shared bank accounts and everything together. The cell phone is in his name and I still have it. I tried to check the minutes on the account to make sure I could pay him for anything over, and he changed the password on his account.
I mentioned the cell phone bill to him the one time I got to talk to him, he told me not to worry about it and left it at that.
Since he has left, he has called me once. He hasn't come to get his cell phone or the rest of his belongings. I have tried to call him, but he will not answer or return any calls. This was two weeks ago. He had told me he would get his things sometime in a week. He hastily got off of the phone saying he had groceries to put away. I told him I needed to talk to him. He would call me back, but he didn't.
I mean, three years of bliss. A wedding in a little over a month! Poof, he leaves.
He has read the emails I sent him and has gotten my messages. I stopped calling after a while. I decided he'll call when he's ready.
I am so hurt and heartbroken. My family is hurt and devestated. They already called him their son-in-law. I cannot call him over and over again. I am too old to play these games. I only called a few times in the first few days. I realized after that he didn't want to talk. He'll call when he's ready to call. Why harass him.
How could he love me so much and leave like this? There were no problems, no issues we had. Nothing at all! And he's ignoring me and throwing this all away as if it never happened! He was never like this. He was always devoted and loving and giving. I have never met anyone like him. This is why it hurts so very much!
What can I do? I lost my job right before this happened. He even told me not to work for a while so I could spend some time getting the wedding planned. Then everything is all over.
The same day I lost my job I lost a close family member, and then a week later he moves out.
My whole life has fallen apart. I have all of these bills to pay living on unemployment and lonely. How distressing this is.
It may seem as though some of this stuff is made up. How could a guy be so wonderful and loving? I sit here now and can't think of any problems we had. I can't think of any arguments or distrust we had between eachother. Every argument was simplistic. That is why this is so hard to deal with. I mean, we had a great friendship and a great love for one another. Or so I thought.
If anyone has anything to comment on, please do. Just don't be so rash, this hurts so bad on many levels. I lost everything. I am sleeping on the floor, alone, on unemployment....alone. And I can't even talk to him or get any real closure until he picks up his last remaining things. How heartwrenching this is.
Edited 7/26/2005 6:19 am ET ET by digitalsolstice
Edited 7/26/2005 7:30 am ET ET by digitalsolstice

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon. Do you have family or a friend you could temporarily stay with? Sometimes it helps to spend some time with the people closest to you to help get your perspective back.
It sounds like he realized how much his faith means to him and while he may care for you deeply, his faith just wasn't a part of him he could give up. It's sad, but faith is a big part of a person - it was big enough that he was willing to comfort you and yours' by not participating in his own. The unfortunate cost was him realizing, at an awful time, that he couldn't. This is an issue that matters, and whatever sacrifices you and he made, the important thing you could take from this is that a relationship won't work if you give up part of yourself, which is what faith is. You have to be able to be yourself and have your beliefs and respect eachothers' to really have a good lasting relationship.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
How do you know he is hurting? He seems to be doing pretty ok to me! he's taken most of the furniture, left you sleeping on the floor - what a bastard!!!! And what a whimp - not sitting down with you and talking this through to end it properly. That is such cowardice. Look I'm sorry for being so straight about this, but really?!
What kind of cold hearted monster behaves like this?: To be so hurtful and cruel - because that's exactly what he's been. You need to get angry, really angry. He has behaved abhorrently! No good, decent person would behave like this? After three years?! How dare he!
I'd be getting your brother(s) to go over there and take the furniture back and give his ass a good kicking and he needs to be told. And also what a big sook moving in with his grandmother! How old is this "man"?! What a whimp! Can't he stand on his own two feet? Really, moving in with grandma?!!!!! What a joke. she should be giving his ass a good kick too!
Do you have some good girlfriends who could come and stay with you? Or could you move in with your parents for a while?
YOu deserve so much more from this creep. How dare he treat you so terribly?! And using the whole religion issue is pathetic - he had three years to sort that one out and anyhow you could have sorted it out together after the wedding. Thank God you didn't marry him - you had a very lucky escape. imagine if you had a couple of children and he then left you - he is a very selfish person and obviously does not care about what he's put you through. As if moving out and leaving you wasn't enough he then had to come and take the furniture! He really needs a good serve about this and told what he truly is - I just wish I were living there and I"d do it myself.
Anyway, back to my own dramas and problems - I dont' at all confess to be a relationship expert - quite the opposite! But I was so troubled when I read your post yesterday and just couldn't help myself. I'm just so pleased that you have your parents and that they are supportive.
PS I just read a little bit about the interview with Jennifer Aniston in Vanity Fair and thought "go girl". She has been put through so much - that W photo shoot with Brad & Angelina playing happy families was one of the cruelest things I have ever seen. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so cruel to someone they'd been with for many years. It's incredible. But Jennifers' comments were terrific. She's the winner in that situation for sure. And I suppose we can all be with time.
Thinking of you.
Louise xxxx
Than you so much for your post!
You are right. I am angry. But I won't let this anger get the best of me. I can only move on and forward from here.
What use is there in fighting with him? It would only make matters worse. Yes, he did chicken out. Yes, he did lead me on. Yes, he can claim he is hurt, but I truly know now my love for him was much stronger than his for me, if what he had was truly love in the first place.
So see, to be the better person, I will deal with my grief and anger and go on. Arguing with him will get me nowhere. Would I like to kick his ass? NO. I want him to feel bad and regret it. I want him to feel the pain I feel tenfold. LET ME TELL YOU< THE PAIN IS VERY BAD. I want him to regret what he did. I want him to realize what he has done. I want him to know that I am the best thing that happened to him. I am the only person on this earth that would love him the way I do or did. I know this is true in my heart. Nobody could be to him what I was to him. I know that FOR A FACT. And someday, when the realization hits him, I want it to crush him. I want him to feel the pain that I feel now. I want him to hurt and ask for forgiveness and be sorry. But will these things happen, who knows? I don't want this is a bad way, I just wish I knew he was feeling the same pain I did, as a test of his feelings and love for me. I'll probably never know.
I know these things, because I know that I truly love him. I thought this time away would prove my true feelings for him. Even though I am angry with him, I still pray for him each and every day. I still worry about him. Could I trust him? NO, no I could not ever trust him. Do I want to be back with him, no I couldn't. The only thing that stood in my way was my religious beliefs. I cannot change that. I lived it my whole life, and I do believe in God. Some have hinted around that I am not Christian. That is untrue. I need not explain how I am Christian simply because I do not celebrate Christmas. I do worship Jesus, I do pray to God our Lord. I do follow the Bible. I am not perfect. I do however follow my religion and will continue to do so. No man will stand in my way.
However, when my fiance acted like he accepted it then turned around and ran off like a chicken, I see no reason to get him back. I will not change my mind. It may seem one-sided, but he should not have lead me to believe he was 'ok' with what I do. I told him that when we get married, it would be our family we should please, not his MOM AND DAD AND GRANDMA.
So, needless to say, he doesn't miss me. He misses the security. He misses the car we shared. He misses coming home to a quiet place where he could do what he wanted. He missed having someone to talk to and vent to. He misses the material objects.
But when he replaces all the other things he wasn't able to take, he'll be fine.
I hope one day, even pray that he will realize what he gave up. Maybe some of you will think I am wrong, but that is your opinion. But I also pray for his help with his porn addiction, help to ease his worries and hope that he will lead a good life and be happy down the road. I am mixed, I want him to feel bad sometimes, but I don't want him to live a miserable life. I can only want the best for him, for what kind of person would I be if I wished him an ill life? How can I say I love him truly if I want him to suffer? I want him to understand my hurt, but I do not wish him any harm. That is how I know I love him more than he can imagine. I can let him go, no matter how much I love him, to practice his own beliefs. I can pray for him each and every day, sometimes more than once a day, for him to be happy and be safe. I am hurt, don't get me wrong, and yes, I am angry, but when it all comes down to it, I want him to be happy. And if being happy is not with me, so be it, doesn't mean it will make me happy. But what can I do? Hate him? No, for I do not hate him. I love him. And I let him go. And I have a right to be hurt and angry, but I will get over this someday down the road. He may want to party his life away, he will realize down the road he missed this opportunity of bliss.
I was devoted. Never flirted or looked at another man. I gave him anything he wanted or needed. I held him the last day I saw him. Held him and cried with him. I called him to see if he was alright, I actually worried about him more than myself.
I thought I had a fatal disease about six months ago, and I was scared more for him than myself. I was worried about what he would do, how he would feel if something would happen to me. I worried more about him than my own life! Luckily, the doctors were wrong. Luckily, I found out I am very healthy. But I still worried, broke down crying to my own boss at work telling him if I had to go through this, I was more worried about how my fiance would take it then me dying!
Being with him, I was patient and kind. Something I had never been with any relationship before. I was patient, forgiving, giving. I gave him whatever he needed. He pretty much did the same thing for me. I know to an extent he loved me. He showed me that in many ways. But was it the kind of love I had for him, I doubt it.
Believe me, I am devestated and hurt and emotionally broken over this. And I need time to get on with my life. I loved this person more than I have ever loved anyone. As a matter of fact, in relationships where I thought I loved the person, I was wrong. What I felt was mere infatuation or lust. I loved this person so much, I gave up having sex with him so our wedding night would be all the while more special. I shouldn't have lived with him, nor should I have had premarital sex, but I did. I stopped that. I told him we needed to stop for good and wait until we were married because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to apprecaite our union, to feel we were as one as a married couple. I didn't want our relationship to be centered around sex. And it wasn't. He was my best friend. But he's gone, and I'll have to get over it!
And you're so right about Jennifer Anniston. I read it, over and over again. Can you imagine how horrible she felt? I get upset just thinking my fiance went out to dinner with his friends or goes to a bar and drinks! She is seeing her ex husband, someone she was with for seven years galavanting around the world with some floosy! (and I used to have so much respect for Jolie). Not anymore. You know that dirty dog is sleeping with Jolie, and you have to say it's discusting! But see, you have to move on. She loves him still. She's hurt, but she doesn't want to discredit him or cause any malice. She probably thinks and feels that way privately, but won't sit there and slander his name to the whole world. As we look at Jennifer Anniston, we should commend her actions and words. Good job Jen! She sets an example to all of us with broken hearts!
Hi there, you are an amazing woman and he missed out on an amazing life. I still kinda think it's funny him moving back in with Grandma!!! It really is a sooky thing for a grown man to do.
If you read your post again you might see (and I'm not saying that I'm right but just making a suggestion that maybe) you gave too much of yourself and didn't put your own needs first. Maybe you need to look at that?
Ther's nothing wrong with really loving someone and wanting them to be happy no matter what - and that's a real sign of emotional maturity - but what about you? He's a big boy, a grown man, why did you have to worry so much about how he would handle you being really ill? Surely you should have been focused on yourself? I don't know - and I'm not saying I do know (far from it!) but it's something to think about.
Maybe you gave too much of yourself to him and put him on too high a pedestal - you mentioned in your first post that he is really attractive and that you often watched him sleep etc. Good looks are fine, but I don't think they matter that much. My previous ex (before this one) was the most handsomest man ever - women were always falling over themselves for him. But I just loved him for his persoanlity - it's true. And I think that I kept his ego at a check and the fact he was so good looking didn't matter to me made him respect me more.
and when you say this:
"I gave him anything he wanted or needed. I held him the last day I saw him. Held him and cried with him. I called him to see if he was alright, I actually worried about him more than myself."
I think this is a real worry and maybe had something to do with him being so incredibly selfish and immature. Again I don't know but it may be an indication.
Anyway, the bottomline is that he has behaved so deplorably, so incredibly badly that he should be pitied and written off. He obviously has real emotional problems and only really cares about himself. I just can't believe that anyone could behave as he has, it's amazing! I still think he needs his ass kicked by someone though! :)
Louise
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