Well, I dumped him

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Well, I dumped him
9
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 6:18pm

I dumped my boyfriend of 5 months on Monday night. I know it was the best thing for all concerned, but I still feel sad and find myself checking my phone to see if he's called to tell me he's sorry and loves me and even though I know that all will pass it sure sucks right now.

We met online and hit it off right away. I really thought he was perfect for me and a couple of days after a big fight one night, he gave me a key to his house. A 'symbol' he said of how he felt about me - that he was completely committed and had no secrets from me and I was welcome anytime. I gave him one to my house too.

Things went along, and we had disagreements and all that, but nothing really major. Basically, I was thinking that this guy - the first guy in YEARS I'd thought this about - could really be 'the one'. He would make comments about our future - nothing big - no proposal, just little things that made me realize he was thinking along the same lines.

So for months I would go to his place and hang out a couple of times a week, we'd go out for dinner or cook it - I had 'stuff' there and he encouraged it. I was careful not to get too comfortable there though. I guess I must have known it wouldn't last.

Then last weekend, an old friend who I dated many years ago and now is married to someone else and lives on another continent was coming through town. We'd kept in touch sporatically over the years but hadn't seen each other in 3 years and I agreed to let him crash on my couch. I asked my boyfriend if this bothered him (because although the romance was long since dead between us, my boyfriend hadn't met him and wouldn't necessarily believe me). He assured me he was fine with it.

Well, my friend is coming Friday eve and I ask my boyfriend to stop by to meet him - he's a really good friend and we have a ton of history and I wanted my boyfriend to feel comfortable about his staying with me, or at least put a face to the name. He said no - he didn't feel like it and when I told him it was important to me he said he would feel uncomfortable around us and wanted to stay home. Hmmm

The next day, my sister and nephew are in town. They live in another country, so I rarely see them. I adore my nephew and always made my boyfriend look at the pictures I'd get emailed and coo over him. I told him 3 times that they were going to be at my house on Sat afternoon and I really wanted him to meet the boy. He never showed.

Then I thought about the time I was really sick for a week and my boyfriend didn't call all week or stop by (never did actually use the key). That's when I knew.

I went to his place on Monday night - of course he was home and he was so happy to see me - wanted to know all about the visits, told me about his weekend, brought me a beer, showed me what he'd taught himself on the guitar... it was so easy being there - just being with him and the damn fact of it is that I really like who is as a person. But I knew I had to do it.

My mouth got all dry and I just launched in with 'I don't know what's happening with us. I don't think that we're ever going to be the people the other one needs and I think now is the time to cut our losses'. He was shocked. I told him I didn't want a big screaming match or to sit and discuss it. I just wanted my things.

I told him how upset I was that he didn't want to meet these people in my life who were so important to me - especially when he knew I wanted him to. He said he thought it was weird that I would want him to meet my ex. I said that he wasn't just an ex, but a true friend and one that is a huge part of why I am who I am now. I told him about the nephew thing. He shook his head. I guess it had occured to him the next day that he should have stopped by. Too late. I told him about the sick thing - I should note that in the last 5 months he's had major abdominal surgery and I was the one who picked up from the hospital and took care of him for the first 2 days. I didn't bring that up - it's not about blame or making him look bad while come off as an angel. I sure wanted to though...

I told him 'no hard feelings' but that he didn't really seem that interested in my life - that I wanted my boyfriend to call if I'm sick and want to meet my friends and family etc. I wanted my boyfriend to come over to my house once in a while. He kinda chuckled. He said he couldn't even be mad at me because he knows he is that way and can't change. So I stood up and started gathering my things and he kind of wandered around - stunned almost. I felt so bad for him - just wanted to put my arms around him, but I didn't. I just felt numb.

I took his key off my key ring - he went to get mine and got angry almost, but then stopped himself, saying something like: no, I'm not going to do that. Then he just looked sad - eyes got red - all that. He kept saying: You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you. I just said yes.

He tells me I'm welcome to come over anytime - did I think I would do that? I shook my head feeling just awful, because although it probably doesn't sound like it, he really is a wonderful person. He kind of laughed again and asked again if I was just going to disappear - did I think that would work? I said I thought it would.

At the door I look back, he's standing there and says to me: "I don't know what to say. I think you're wonderful. I'm not looking for anyone else. I like the way things have been and would be very happy to have them continu - but that's not going to work is it? You just want something else." I said: "I want a partner", and his head dropped to his chest because in that moment when those words left my mouth I remembered him saying once that was what he really wanted from a relationship, and felt he had with me. I felt like such a s--t - although didn't mean to.

He kept hugging me through this all and at the door gave me another hug - an a little kiss on the lips and wished me luck. Asked me to keep in touch - let me know how it's going. I just smiled and got in my car and drove home.

So that's that. He hasn't called, or emailed or made some romantic gesture to make me think he's missing me like I miss him. I don't know what I would do if he did. I did love him though. I do want to be with him, but not at the expense of him 'being' with me. I know I don't want to settle for just any relationship - that I deserve the things I expected of him. I know all that. I still feel sh---y and wonder at times if I made a horrible mistake. I wonder what he thinks of me now - if he hates me now, which I could understand, but I wish he knew how much I truly care for him. I just care for myself too. I wish he could just be the man I thought he was. I don't know. Just wanted to vent.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: oryx72
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:56am

Reading your story, I know you had to be so hurt, I can feel the sadness.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: oryx72
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:17am

Thanks Sandra

Today has been rough. I really wanted to call him earlier tonight and called my sister instead who was just heading out and told me to be strong and she loved me and that she had to go.

I had stupidly gone to the website where we met and saw he had deleted all the 'gettin-to-know-you' information we had granted each other when we first met. I guess I can't expect any grand gestures now. That hurts, because I kinda hoped for him to make an effort to win me back. Call, stop by - do something to show he still feels something for me - that he loves me. The erasing of our personal histories online leaves little room for interpretation though and makes me feel quite lonely and choked up, and then I feel dumb because I DUMPED HIM and he has every right to want to make a clean break and move on.

I didn't have anyone else to call after my sister so I went for a walk tonight - a long one - in uncomfortable shoes - just to get out of my house and burn off some energy and not call him. I feel better now in some ways and worse in others because I just spent the last 4 hours wondering if we could have worked it out. But I don't believe you can change people in any real, significant way. I know I deserve to have someone who wants to know me inside and out. I deserve someone who does things the matter to me - that comes over sometimes. That sounds petty - a petty reason to break up. I wonder if I made a big mistake. It's just hard right now when I want to see him so bad and even thought of driving by his house (I didn't - for the record - very tempted though). This four day mark is brutal.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: oryx72
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:59pm

Sorry for what you are going through, but I think you should give yourself a lot more credit. It sounds like you thought a lot about the situation before making the decision to end things, and I think you handled it very maturely. I think it's completely natural to want him to want you back, even if you know that it's not going to work.

The statement that stuck out to me in your original post is the fact that he said he knows the way he is and that he's not going to change. You aren't asking him to change- you were asking him to compromise a little and be sensitive to your feelings. If meeting your friends and family was really important to you, then he should have done it. And not coming to see you when you were sick? That would have really upset me also. I've been in that situation where you think it's a partnership, but really you are the one doing all the work- or at least a majority of it. Maybe neither of you realized it, but I get the impression that it was maybe like that with this guy.

I think you did the right thing- don't second-guess yourself. There is someone out there that will be the partner that you are looking for. Stay strong :)

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
In reply to: oryx72
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 5:12pm
hi there,
i just want to say that i think you are a very strong person. reading your story brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me of something i'm contemplating right now. i'm also thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. i have a few different reasons but it's really hard because i love him so much and i think that we are good together in different ways. however, he lives across the country from me and i don't know if he will ever move. also, sometimes i feel that i don't get the kind of affection that i really want. i feel a lot of the same things you do...i wonder if my feelings are petty or if maybe it could work out. but reading your post makes me think that maybe the right thing to do is to break it off. i really admire you for being so strong and following through with it because i don't know if i will be able to.
anyway, you'll get through this soon. best wishes to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: oryx72
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:29am

I am such an idiot.

I spent today sleeping and smoking (i know i know i know i know) and laying around and reading the posts here. About 7 pm, I went out for a drive - something I've done for years when i get restless and can't sit still. I ended up at a little used CD shop miles from my house and looked through the CDs and found one that was self-produced by my ex's ex. I picked it up - super cheap and I was curious.

On the way home, I actually got hungry - first time in almost a week. I've been living on cigarettes, coffee and beer. I decided to go home and make a nice dinner for myself and watch a little TV.

Well, I went online first to see what's up - logged onto MSN and saw my ex there. The little message next to his name says: 'well, that's that i guess'. For the record, mine just says 'this sucks'. I've completely lost my appetite and backslid into smokes and beer (likely the two great loves of my life right now - kidding - not really). Then, the voice in my head is SCREAMING: DON'T DO IT, but I go to the website where we met. He's there and all the breath goes out of me (insert cigarette joke here) and I call my sister and wake her up which makes me feel bad so I let her go back to sleep and am here now.

Then I idiotically put in the CD by his ex. It's full of really beautiful broken-hearted love songs and I kept thinking they were about him and felt worse somehow and turned it off and put it in a drawer.

He's online right now - so am I and I want to talk to him so bad that I'm just going to sit here and write and write and write for as long as it takes for me to not want to talk to him anymore.

I hate this breaking-up thing. I hate how I start a new relationship and wonder how it will all end before it's really even begun. I WANT to be positive, but my faith in man-kind has been shaken. I wonder sometimes if I expect too much from my relationships and that I'm never going to find someone who will give me what I'm asking for and will end up the eccentric old woman who travels alone and pinches her nephews cheeks too hard and have my family roll their eyes and chuckle when my name comes up in conversation.

I had someone who thought I was wonderful. I thought he was wonderful too. Just not wonderful enough. Am I crazy? How much will be good enough? Everyone on this board has told me that I'm doing great - keeping positive and strong etc. That's so great to hear and I really need to hear it right now. I don't feel so great or positive or strong. I just feel lonely.

Edited 7/2/2006 12:35 am ET by oryx72




Edited 7/2/2006 12:37 am ET by oryx72
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: oryx72
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:59am
I can relate to some of what you're going through. When I left my ex in May I started smoking again, even though I had been smoke-free for many years. I love cigarettes and coffee and beer too ... but I gave up the smoking on June 12. Yes, you're doing well, but you're not superhuman. You've gone through something hurtful, traumatic almost. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. You're going to be sad. Losing someone you love is hard, and it takes a long time to get over it. Your body and heart need time to adjust. We're here for you ... I've been having a really rough time of it the last three days ... I'll be up for another hour or two if you'd like to chat. I think the online dating board has a chat room we could use.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: oryx72
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:08am

hey there - i'd love to chat - I just saw him log off and had this immediate and irrational idea that he was coming over to tell me how much he misses/loves/is lost without me and I know that as the minutes turn into hours and neither the phone or the doorbell ring that I'll lose it.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: oryx72
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:11am
ummm - how do i find the chat room? i am completely useless on computers...
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: oryx72
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:45am

sorry about that. i should have sent you a link. it's here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlchat2/chat

i'm not sure it will work when it's not a regularly scheduled chat, but we could try. we're both up. what the heck.

sorry it took me so long to respond. i'm kind of out of it these days. brain just isn't working like it used to.